


Partners

by NARWHALTALE



Category: New Dangan Ronpa V3: Everyone's New Semester of Killing
Genre: Amami and Ouma are best friends, Bisexual Saihara Shuichi, Fluff and Angst, Gonta and Ouma are friends, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, I don't know how to write tags, Kiibo and Ouma are friends, Kokichi is also very dense, M/M, Mainly Ouma POV, Momota will be a decent person, No one dies because Saihara and Ouma prevent it, No smut because I can't write that stuff, Ouma needs a hug, Ouma not Oma, Ouma tries to lie less, Ouma's sticking to a promise, Pansexual Oma Kokichi, Please Send Help, Saihara Shuichi Being Dumb, Saihara and Ouma will listen to emo music together because I said so, Saihara and Ouma-centric, Saihara is somewhat confident, Slow Burn, Some Fluff, Time Loop, but not on the level of shuichi, i like writing angst too much, no one is on the level of shuichi, slowburn does not properly describe how dense these idiots are, they have to work together
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-20
Updated: 2020-11-30
Packaged: 2021-03-08 21:00:08
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 37,123
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27112981
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NARWHALTALE/pseuds/NARWHALTALE
Summary: (I'm bad at writing descriptions)Is he dead?He should be dead.Why is it so cramped?He's not dead.Why is he not dead?(Loop AU where Ouma and Saihara have the chance to save everyone)
Relationships: Akamatsu Kaede/Amami Rantaro, Amami Rantaro & Oma Kokichi, Chabashira Tenko/Yumeno Himiko, Harukawa Maki/Momota Kaito, Iruma Miu/K1-B0, More in the future once I figure it out, Oma Kokichi/Saihara Shuichi-centric - Relationship
Comments: 58
Kudos: 296





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> My first Saiouma fanfic! I've written oneshots before, but never a fanfic. I hope you enjoy it!

My eyes fluttered open. 

It was cold. And cramped. 

_ Am I...dead? _

_ But...why can I feel things? _

I was taken out of my thoughts with a loud bang, followed by a grunt. 

_ Wait, this is a locker. _

I shoved my arms forwards and fell to the ground, hard. Wincing, I moved my hair out of my eyes and looked up tiredly. 

_ Kiiboy…? _

The robot looked back at me confusedly. “Um, are you alright?” 

“Not...really…?” I admitted, pulling myself to my feet.

_ I have feet? _

_ Is this the afterlife? _

“I’m K1-B0, by the way, but please address me as Kiibo. I am the Ultimate Robot! It’s nice to meet you.” He stated, more confident this time. 

_ He doesn’t remember me…? _

I looked around the room and my heart sank to my shoes. 

Somehow, in some way, I was back in the killing game. 

“Ouma...Kokichi…” I sputtered, dazed. 

_ What is this? Purgatory? But I’m not dead. Or at least, that’s what it seems. Kiiboy doesn’t remember me. Did he lose his memories? Why am I not dying right now with the poison? Is it just gone? Er, that’s pretty stupid, actually, since I’m not bloody mush. Somehow, I’m back to life, where at least Kiibo doesn’t remember me.  _

_ My plan failed. _

I took a sharp breath and shook away the thought. 

“I’m the Ultimate Supreme Leader!” I added force into my voice so it sounded louder and more excited. 

Wait, does that mean…?

Are Gonta and Iruma alright? Are they not dead?!

_ I’m not a murderer anymore.  _

A determined thought crossed my mind. 

_ I’m not going to ever kill someone again. I’m not going to  _ hurt _ anyone else. And I’m going to save all of these people if it’s the last thing I do.  _

On that thought, the door to the room opened. 

_ Saihara-chan and Akamatsu… _

I couldn’t help it, I stared at them. I stared at them both. 

There was no wound on Akamatsu’s neck, or any of her body for that matter. She was breathing easily, albeit a little ragged from running. She looked completely fine, alive, her skin a normal pale shade. 

Saihara was wearing that awful hat again, the one I hated with all of my being. His face was paler than I remembered, and his eyes looked...petrified.

I forced a grin. “Who might you two be, hm? Explain, or I’ll have my organization of over ten-thousand members send you to Siberia, nishishi~!”

Saihara flinched. 

He flinched, and he didn’t even know my name. 

“Ten-thousand members? That must be a lie.” Akamatsu crossed her arms.  _ Fuck, I forgot how annoying she can be. _

“Maybe it is, maybe it isn’t. Who knows? I - “  _ Stop. No more pointless lies.  _ My thoughts cut me off. 

I shut my mouth prematurely, and Saihara definitely noticed. He looked at me curiously, putting his fist to his jaw in that thinking habit of his. 

“‘I’ what?” Saihara mumbled quietly. I bit my lip and let a string of curse words fly loose in my mind.  _ Don’t break cover. You don’t know what they know. _

“I dunno.” I shrugged, feigning confusion. Saihara studied my face, and I forced the blush that threatened to appear away. 

_ No more slip-ups. _ I decided, tugging on my sleeve idly. He tilted his head, and his look turned to something of disgust. 

“‘I am a liar, after all.’ That was what you were going to say.” He said quietly, more to himself than anyone else.

I flinched, which he definitely took note of. 

“Maybe it was, maybe it wasn’t. How would you know?” I stuck out my tongue. “Ouma Kokichi, Ultimate Supreme Leader.” I held out my hand, which Akamatsu shook.

“Akamatsu Kaede, Ultimate Pianist.” 

“I’m K1-B0, the Ultimate robot. Please address me as Kiibo.” 

Saihara continued to stare at me, paying Kiiboy no attention. He squinted, and I felt uncomfortable. 

_ You’re alone, Kokichi, and you always will be! _

_ At least people want to be around Kaito! _

I twitched and swallowed down bile. Digging my nails into my arm, I pulled out an incredibly fake grin and backed up. 

“I’m bored. See ya, Akamatsu! See ya, Shumai!”

I ran out of the room and quickly ran out into the hall, almost tripping on my way outside. I needed to get out of this godforsaken building; even if the outside was still enclosed, it was more air than that room. 

Gonta was crouched outside, looking for bugs. I lost my breath for a moment.

_ He’s alive. You didn’t kill him. _

I took a deep breath. “Hey!” I exclaimed with a wave. He looked up. 

“Hello!” Gonta smiled cluelessly. 

“I’m Ouma Kokichi, nice to meet you!” I held out my hand.  _ I don’t want to hurt anyone.  _ I thought. 

“Gonta is Gonta Gokuhara, the Ultimate Entomologist!” He shook my hand roughly. 

“I’m the Ultimate Supreme Leader, nishishi!” 

“Do you mind if I hang out with you for a bit?” I asked. Gonta nodded eagerly. 

“Kokichi help me find bugs!” He said, looking back into the dirt. I got down on my knees and sifted my fingers through the cool grass. 

“I’m not finding any.” I commented. Gonta hummed. 

“Gonta not find any either.” He said sadly. 

“Hey, we’ll find some, big guy, don’t worry about it.” With that, Gonta regained his pure smile. I felt just a little bit of guilt float off of my chest. Just a little. 

~~~

_ Shumai… _

_ I never told him my name.  _

I bit my lip and swallowed, this entire place bringing back memories. Looking at Kaede felt so surreal, I wanted to cry. 

Looking at Kokichi was…

_ “Who cares about that idiot?! I would never cry for Gonta!” _

_ “It’s a lie!” _

_ “That’s a lie, y’know, since I’m a liar?” _

_ “I stole your heart, so now I’m satisfied. I don’t need to steal your life anymore!” _

_ “You can do whatever you want to me, and that’s the truth…” _

**_“A body has been discovered!”_ **

_ I found myself wishing he would stay before I smothered the thought. _

I let out a sharp gasp and shoved my hat over my eyes. 

“You okay, Saihara-kun?” Kaede asked as we walked out of the library, where we’d met the ‘Ultimate Child Caretaker’. Yeah, right. 

“Fine…” I got out. 

_ Does he know, too?  _

I’d figured out by now that Kaede didn’t know about whatever happened, I assumed a reset. She was oblivious. 

But when we walked in and “met” Kokichi and Kiibo, he wasn’t chasing him around, or even being robophobic. In fact he stared at me, as if I’d killed someone. 

He had cut himself off when he was about to say “Since I’m a liar”, and visibly flinched when I finished the sentence. 

Near the end, he looked up at me distraughtly, almost looking like he was about to cry. His eyes had been wide and he looked like he was mouthing something to himself. 

“Saihara!” I snapped out of it as Akamatsu flicked my forehead. 

“Wh-What?” 

“Come on, let’s go outside.” She said, pointing to the doors. I nodded and walked out with her silently. 

I looked around, only expecting to see Gonta here like last time. However, Kokichi was there as well. 

He handed Gonta what seemed like a grass bracelet. He laughed his obnoxious (and slightly cute, I’d admit) laugh and tied it around Gonta’s large wrist. 

Gonta looked up and met Kaede’s eyes. “Hello! Gonta is Gonta Gokuhara! Ultimate Entomologist! Kokichi is Ultimate Supreme Leader!” He said in his broken language. 

Kokichi looked up and his Adam’s apple bobbed. He put on an untrue smile and looked away from me. 

“I’m gonna go look for bugs somewhere else, big guy. I already met those two. Why don’t you go meet them and I’ll let you know if I find anything!”

Gonta was about to nod in agreement, but I cut in. 

“Actually, I’d like to talk to you, Ouma-kun.” 

Kokichi winced. “Sorry, busy!” He stood up and went to run away, but Gonta took his wrist. 

“You go meet hat boy!” Gonta said sternly. 

A conflicted look crossed Kokichi’s eyes, and his hands curled to balls at his side. He mouthed something to himself and sighed resignedly. 

“...okay…” His voice lacked its usual energy; it lacked pretty much anything, actually.

I walked off to the side as Kaede met Gonta. 

“...yes?” He met my eyes for just a second and then tore his irises away. 

“You remember.” I stated. 

Kokichi’s eyes darted up again. 

“Remember what?” The innocence in his eyes was fake, I could tell. 

“Everything. All of this.” I gestured my hands to point at the school. 

Kokichi pursed his lips. 

“So you remember too.” He mumbled, biting his thumbnail. He hummed, looking deep in thought. 

“You’re supposed to be dead.” I said, quieter. 

“I am. I should be.” Kokichi refused to look at me, instead looking at the grass. “I assume everyone is still living.” 

“It would seem that way.” I replied. 

“Thought so. You think anyone else remembers?” 

“Not as far as I know.” I said, scratching my neck. 

“Look, your plan was brilliant, okay?” He looked surprised when I said so. “And I wish that you would have succeeded. I’m sorry for ruining it. I think that with your smarts and my detective skills, we can stop everyone here and find a way out.

“I don’t need help. I work alone.” Kokichi turned around to stop the conversation.

I grabbed his hand. 

“No. We will be working together.” 

“I work alone.” 

“You don’t have to, not anymore.” 


	2. No More Pointless Lies (Chapter 1)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Ouma and Saihara become partners, and Ouma doesn't lie to himself.

Kokichi stared at me curiously, obviously not expecting my confidence. Honestly, I wasn’t quite used to it either. 

“Fine.” He responded, tugging his hand away with a wince. “But don’t touch me.” I nodded apologetically. 

“Sorry about that…” And it was back, my unsurety and social awkwardness. 

“Who’s the mastermind?” He was intimidating, despite the fact that he had to strain his neck to meet my eyes. 

“Shirogane.” I stated, biting my bottom lip. “But...Just...come to my dorm room. We should have some time before the killing game is announced, if I’m correct. I’ll fill you in.” 

“How do I know you won’t kill me?” Kokichi crossed his arms and sent a glare up at me. My eyebrows arched in surprise.

“Wh-What?!” He narrowed his eyes. “I-I would never kill anyone! Why would you ever think that!?” 

“It’d be simple. You, yourself, could be the mastermind and I would have no clue, since I died.” His eyes, usually so gleeful - and fake, I had come to realize - were cold; he had absolutely no trust in me. 

“I’m not going to kill you. I promise you. I’m not the Mastermind. You knew that already, I saw that board.” 

Kokichi’s eyes flit away. “Fine, but at least let me tell Gonta where the fuck you’re taking me so that they’ll catch you as soon as you do.” 

I sighed and massaged my temples. This new version of Kokichi was less tiring than the other, annoyingly cheerful one, but tiring nonetheless. That was odd to think about, still, the fact that the Kokichi I thought I knew was all a mask. 

The fact that none of us were real crossed my mind. It was weird, horrible to think about. Seeing Kokichi’s motive video, I was a little afraid to tell him, considering his organization was apparently the most important thing in the world to him, but I knew I couldn’t lie to him. 

He walked back from Gonta and Kaede a minute later. Kaede looked at me weirdly, and Gonta waved. 

I walked forwards, into the school and to the dorms. Kokichi stayed silent. 

It was...disconcerting to say the least. The last time he had been this silent was when I had bandaged his hand. 

“Is...something wrong?” I asked, turning to him. He raised an eyebrow. 

“Of course not, I’m just back in a fucking killing game, where I was just squished under a press while being poisoned and should be dead, and the plan I had to save the people who hated my guts failed. I’m goddamn perfect, Saihara.” He snapped. 

“I...don’t hate you.” Kokichi snorted. 

“Mhmm, right.”

“I do-”

“I hate liars, Saihara. You should know that by now.”

“I’m sorry, Kokichi.” 

“...”

“What I said wasn’t... fair.” 

“Yeah, it was. Drop the subject.” 

I went silent and opened my dorm door. 

Kokichi stood and I sat on the bed. “Shirogane was the mastermind, but there’s more to it than that. Kaede didn’t kill Rantaro, Shirogane did.” Kokichi clenched his teeth. “And…”

I took a deep breath. 

“We aren’t real. We’re in a TV show, and none of our memories are actually true.” Kokichi’s eyes went wide; for a moment, I could see raw teror shining in those purple pupils.

“D.I.C.E isn’t real, then…” He breathed. 

“Kokichi…”

“I’m not a leader. You’re not a detective…” Kokichi whispered. 

“That’s wrong. I’m still a detective, even if I don’t have a title. I’ve solved six trials.” I said, more confidently than I would during the first loop. “And I’m sure you’re a great leader, especially if your motive video included your members.” 

Kokichi sighed quietly. “Well, they’re not real, so it doesn’t matter. You’ve actually done things relating to your talent. I’ve done pretty much nothing.” 

“You tried to save the rest of us.” 

“I failed.” He countered, standing up. “I need to figure out a plan. Go tell Gonta that I’m busy and I’ll see him later. I don’t plan on failing again.”

“What else do you need me to do? We’re partners, remember?” 

“ _ I  _ don’t need you to do anything. I can do this alone.” 

“Stop, Kokichi. We are working together. We can start working on a plan after the announcement.” 

Kokichi huffed, obviously not keen on the idea of teamwork. “I can make a plan alone.” He spat. 

“Maybe you can, but in order for this to work, you’re going to need help.”

“Fine. Keep an eye on Shirogane for me for a while. I’m going to meet Iruma and get electro-hammers and electro-bombs as soon as possible, and try to get on good terms with Momota…” Kokichi tapped his foot, seemingly deep in thought. “If you have the time, can you do me a favor and bring a whiteboard out to my room? It took me an hour last time, since, y’know,” He gestured to himself. “And some paper, if you can find it. I’m going to try and make some blueprints. One of my members, er, fake members, taught me the basics of engineering, and if I’m able to befriend Iruma, ew, I can probably convince her to help me.” 

He pressed his hand to his chin. “ _ Shit,  _ I need to keep an eye on Ryoma and Korekiyo in case they try anything.” He scratched his head. “I need to steal those motive videos as well.” He got a crazed look in his eyes. “I need to get to work. I have like four days for all of this. Keep an eye on Shirogane.” 

He sprinted out of the room and down the hall, presumably towards the warehouse. I walked out, feeling pretty useless, and went back outside. 

I checked my Monopad and saw that that was exactly what he was doing.

I headed to Shirogane’s icon on the Monopad and found her in the same place that she was in the exact same place as the first loop.

I wanted to throw up. This was a woman who watched people die, who killed two people, just for her own sick entertainment. But I put on a shy face and walked towards her, pulling my hat down so that I could hide my glare. 

“Hello!” She waved, contrast to last time. “I’m Shirogane Tsumugi!”

“Saihara Shuichi…” I waved awkwardly. “Ultimate Detective.” 

“Ultimate Cosplayer!” Her voice was high-pitched and annoying, making me want to plug my ears. 

Of course, I couldn’t do that, as I had to keep an eye on her.

“Do you want to hang out…?” I asked stiffly. 

“Sure!” She giggled. “Where do you want to go? Have you met Ouma-kun? He’s so sweet!”

_ Liar. Kokichi ran outside and hung out with Gonta. _

“Yes, I have. He’s really nice. When did you meet him?” 

“He said hello to me on his way out of a classroom.” She stated. “You’d think with a talent like that, he’d be bad, you know? But he’s just so...kind…!”

Her voice sounded strained, and I realized something.

Kokichi wasn’t acting to plan, not how she wrote his character. He was going off the rails, and she couldn’t do anything about it. 

The bell rang.

***

~~~

I took a deep breath and stepped into the dorm hallway. A whiteboard was outside of my door. I sighed in relief and started dragging the thing up the stairs with a sigh. 

I pulled the door open and shut it behind me before sliding the whiteboard back into its usual space. 

Of course, because I can’t get any sleep in this place, I heard a knock on my door. “Door’s open. Come in.” I called, flopping down on the bed. 

The door clicked open, and Saihara stood there awkwardly. “Sup.” I raised my hand as a greeting. 

“Um...Hi…” 

Cutting to the chase, I asked, “Why’re you here?” 

Saihara sighed. “I know you don’t trust me, Ouma-kun, but I want to help you. I’m not going to sit back and do nothing like last time. So let me help.” 

I sighed and leaned my head back. 

“Fine. Whatever.” I grunted. “I don’t have a concrete plan at the moment. My mind’s a little fuzzy from dying. But I do know what to do during the end of the time limit.”

“I’m going to crawl into the vents, which sucks by the way, I have claustrophobia, and stop the balls when they come. You will take Rantaro and Kaede away so that you have an alibi in case I die or something, and so that Kaede can’t roll the ball. Maybe keep an eye on Tsumugi if you can, but if not it’s fine.” 

“Wait, you’ve included  _ dying  _ in your plan?!” I shrugged nonchalantly. 

“Eh, it’s always a possibility. I think Shirogane is onto me. She looked at me weirdly at dinner.” 

It felt so good, talking to everyone again, especially when I wasn’t forced to act fake. Sure, I still insulted Iruma and antagonized Harukawa, but not nearly as much, so they weren’t angry. 

And Shirogane just stared. 

She looked confused, concerned, and I knew why. 

I was going against programming. I wasn’t acting the same way as before, where everything supposedly went as planned. 

I was ruining her game.

And God, did I love that look on her face. 

Saihara seemed surprised at dinner, by my actions. Probably because I never did take off the mask. 

“You need to...think positively, Ouma.” I snorted. 

“Rich, coming from you,” I said. “I’m going to save everyone. That means I’ll sacrifice anything necessary.” 

“Sacrifices shouldn’t include your life, Ouma-kun!” Saihara shouted. I looked away. 

“Anything necessary. If it means all of you get out, then it’s necessary.” 

“Everyone includes you, Ouma.” He replied, softer this time. 

I rolled my eyes.  _ Alone and always will be, he says, then tells me I’m a part of their little group,  _ I didn’t say. 

Saihara reached out his hand. “We’re going to save everyone, together, and I can’t do this without my partner. Promise me that you’ll live too.” 

_ “You’re alone, Kokichi, and you always will be!” _

_ Pathetic? Look at yourself, Kokichi!” _

_ “But no one wants to be around you. _ ”

“I’m going to sleep. Get out of my dorm.” I said coldly, blinking away the burning in my eyes. Saihara narrowed his eyes. 

“ _ Promise _ me.” 

_ No more pointless lies.  _

_ This isn’t so pointless, is it?  _

I did what I did best. 

I took Saihara’s hand with a blank expression. 

“Promise.” 

Saihara looked contented by that and nodded. “I’ll see you tomorrow then. Get some sleep. You don’t sleep enough, I can tell.” 

“Since when have you cared?” 

“I care about everyone, Ouma. Sleep well.” 

He stepped out of the room and shut the door behind him. 

“...you too, beloved.” I mumbled once he was gone. 

Sighing I got out of bed. Being tired wasn’t a lie. I was exhausted. But there was work to be done, now.

Saihara had the forethought to bring pencils too, thankfully, so I got started on the blueprints for the electro-bombs. 

Thinking harder, I clenched the pencil in my fist and swiftly brought it across the paper until it looked right, then labeled the pieces and listed the parts needed, as well as the uses. 

About an hour later, I was finished with all the blueprints, and my hand was cramping. 

I moved to a new, clean sheet of paper, and started scribbling down the list of events, making sure to cross out the fourth trial entirely. 

_ I’m going to save everyone. _

I moved onto a notebook Saihara had brought and started writing down everything I knew about my supposed classmates. 

I knew more things for some than others, for instance having just a paragraph on Hoshi, and a page on Iruma. 

I made a couple main sections.

_ Danger level,  _

_ Intelligence, _

_ Strength,  _

_ Roles, _

_ Previous loop, _

_ Extra notes _

_ Trust (?): _

I ranked the Intelligence and Strength on a 1-10 level, wrote whether someone was a Survivor, Killer, or Victim in roles, wrote things I knew based on the previous loop, danger level was based on how much they were a threat to myself or my plan, and wrote everything else in extra notes. 

_ Saihara Shuichi, Ultimate Detective.  _

_ Age: Unknown; high school age _

_ Sex: Identifies as male as of writing this _

_ Intelligence: 9 _

_ Strength: 6 _

_ Role: Survivor _

_ Previous loop: Saihara started off as shy and overall uninteresting to the eye, clinging mainly to Akamatsu (page 2) as his main support. After her death (page 6), Momota (page 4) and Harukawa (page 3) seemed to pick him up, training him to make him stronger emotionally and physically.  _

_ He was the crutch who solved all six cases, whereas others really only chimed in. He lives up to his title as a detective.  _

_ He’s friendly with everyone, despite having little charisma. He puts off a calming aura and can usually put most people at ease.  _

_ Close relationships include: Akamatsu, Momota, Harukawa, Himiko (?). _

_ Personal opinion: L'homme dont je suis tombé amoureux. Protégez Saihara à tous les prix possibles. Je veux seulement qu'il soit heureux et libre de cet endroit. Mentez pour l'aider; gardez-le particulièrement inconscient des luttes. _

_ Extra notes: Apparently my partner, much more stubborn and determined in this loop, though that could be due to previous trainings.  _

_ Trust(?): Trustworthy.  _

With a sigh, I tried to shake away the cramps in my hand and cracked my knuckles before filling in his small portrait with a drawing of him. 

I took extra care on his, wanting to do him justice in drawing. Once I finished the sketch, I grabbed the colored pencils that had been stashed in my desk drawer (for some reason) and finished the coloring. 

I finally pulled out an invisible ink marker I made before dinner and drew the smallest heart, just barely above his name. 

The monitor said that it was four am. That was fine. I could do some looking around and take a roll call of everyone, hopefully fast asleep in their rooms. 

I stepped out of my dorm room quietly and first picked the lock to Kiibo’s room. He was apparently in sleep mode, a wire coming from the bottom of his foot. 

I nodded and made a mental note of that as I shut the door. 

Next came Shirogane’s. She was in her bed, snoring quietly. I hummed quietly and closed the door. 

It went on like that until I finally came to Saihara’s room. 

He was tucked into bed, his expression soft in sleep. His hair was messily strewn over one of his closed eyes. He seemed to be shivering in his sleep, though. 

Nightmares, I knew. After all, I wasn’t a stranger to them. 

I placed the back of my hand on his forehead, seeing that he was a normal temperature. It was definitely a nightmare. 

Unfortunately, I couldn’t wake him up, because I was supposed to be sleeping, according to him. 

Maybe I could try and wake him up, and then hide. 

All I knew was that I needed to get him back to sleeping peacefully. Well, it was more of a want but a need, but - wow, am I seriously becoming Saihara?

I tucked his unkempt hair behind his ear and pulled the blanket higher on him before stroking his cheek slowly. It didn’t seem to be working.

I poked his nose harder until he started to stir, then looked around for somewhere to hide.  _ I did not think this through… _

Biting my lip, I slipped under the desk just in time. 

Saihara rubbed at his eyes and looked around curiously with a yawn. “Who’s...there?” He mumbled. 

I held my breath. 

He dragged himself out of bed and looked around. “Hello…?” He found his door was open and grew concerned, making sure to close it and lock it behind him. “Are they...gone? But why were they here in the first place?” Saihara rambled. 

“Is there anyone in here?” He asked. After getting no response, he sighed and tucked himself back into bed. “Hm...I must’ve been imagining it. But what woke me up…?”

Saihara rested his head on a pillow and shut his eyes. After I heard his soft snores return, I stepped out of my hiding spot and walked back over to him. 

“Night, Shumai. Better dreams…” I whispered. He stirred again, and I placed my cool hand on his cheek. 

Saihara let out a gentle sigh and almost melted into my touch, the cheek beneath my hand going slightly red. I went to walk away, but remembered something. 

_ No more pointless lies. _

“Love you.” I took my hand away and sprinted out of the room. 


	3. Aches of the Mind and Body (Chapter 2)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Ouma and Amami become a bit closer, and relationships begin.   
> TW: Mentions of bullying, bad self talk.
> 
> If this is worse than usual, it's because I've been up for at least 20 hours straight, sorry.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love angst too much for my own good, I swear.

The next morning, I walked into the cafeteria feeling purely exhausted. Nothing new, sure, but it didn’t help my mood. The Dark Road of Despair from yesterday was no help, either. 

I sat down at the table next to Saihara and Kiibo. 

“Ouma, you do not look well. How tired are you?” Kiibo said immediately. I shrugged, and Saihara turned his attention to me. 

“I told you to go to sleep last night…” He scolded. I sighed tiredly and set my face on the table. 

“I was too busy trying to find a way out of here. Speaking of which, I’d rather you guys don’t go in my room, it’s a mess.”

In the previous loop, I acted all big, tough and strong, but my usual self was a bit more laid back. It felt nice to not have to shout every sentence.

Monokuma showed up and announced the First Blood Perk. I pretty much tuned it out, knowing it wasn’t going to be used anyway. Everyone seemed to react the same way. Saihara thankfully stayed on script. I really stayed silent after the death, which just made people think he’d come back. 

A couple minutes after Monokuma was crushed, and after the whole “Monokuma is dead” part, we started talking again. 

“Do you have any ideas on how to get out of here?” Akamatsu asked hopefully. I sighed. 

“I’m working on it. Rome wasn’t built in a day, after all. For now, I’m just trying to sort of…”  _ I can’t exactly tell them I’ve been making profiles of them based on their behaviors.  _ “Map the school.” I lied. “That, and I spent part of the night on guard to make sure no one left their rooms to kill someone.” 

“It’s going to be useless if you don’t go to sleep,” Momota commented, taking a bite of his pancakes. “Thanks for the food, by the way, Tojo-san.” 

“It’s my pleasure.” She bowed, sitting down for food herself. 

“I know. That’s why I had the idea for everyone to spend nights in someone’s room and shift guards. It would be pretty fucking hard to kill someone with fourteen witnesses and get away with it.” 

“So you’re suggesting we all sleep in a specific person’s room…?” Saihara asked curiously. 

“Basically.” I yawned and shoved my food away despite the snarling in my stomach. “Not hungry. Thanks though, Tojo-san.” 

She hummed and picked up the food, putting it on a tray and carrying it to the kitchen. 

“I think that’s a great idea! And we can all bond from it, too!” Akamatsu exclaimed excitedly. 

“It’d probably work.” Amami said, voice sounding almost as tired as mine. “I doubt someone’d kill out in the open, especially if there was a guard on watch. Is it just gonna be a rotational thing or…?” 

“I was just planning on being on guard.” I replied. 

“No, that would never work. You’d fall asleep.” Saihara said thoughtfully. “We should work in shifts, like Amami-kun said.”

“...I guess…” I said quietly. 

“So it’s settled, then! We’ll stay in a room together each night!” Yonaga said cheerfully. 

The rest of breakfast went on as usual until Saihara said something that caught my attention. 

“I had the weirdest thing happen last night...I think it might’ve been a dream, but…I was having a nightmare I think. And then someone woke me up, but when I looked around, they were gone. Then, because I was curious, I pretended to fall asleep, and I’m not sure if I heard it correctly, but…” 

“They said they loved me, then ran away…” He mused. 

“Are you sure you didn’t hear them wrong?” Yumeno asked curiously. 

“I might’ve heard them wrong, but what else could they have been saying?” 

“Above you…?” I lied.  _ This is necessary. I need to keep him from hating me more than he does if we’re going to be partners.  _

Saihara hummed. “Maybe…”

Akamatsu looked at me with a curious glint in her eyes. “But didn’t you say you were patrolling dorms last night? It would’ve been you, right?” 

“Nope, I didn’t go into any rooms. I just sat outside of my room and watched. I might’ve missed them, depending on what time they went to his room, since I spent some time taking notes on the school.” I lied again with a casual shrug. 

“I can show notes if need be,” I prayed they didn’t ask. “But I promise I’m innocent.” 

Saihara sighed. “That’s not needed. It’s just odd to me.” He stated. 

“M’kay.” I was so tired, I couldn’t even keep up the slightly less energy I had by myself. 

“Can I talk to you after breakfast?” He asked. 

“Sure thing.” 

Saihara and I left without him asking to meet Akamatsu in the library.

***

“So, what’d you need to talk about?” I asked leaning back on the pillows of my bed. Saihara hummed. 

“I assume you haven’t actually been mapping the school.” He said, looking towards the notebook on my desk. 

“I wrote profiles of everyone. If you wanna look, you can.” I shrugged. 

Saihara nodded and picked up the book.

I laid my head back and pulled the comforter up to my chin. With a relaxed sigh, I shut my heavy eyes. 

“‘M gonna close my eyes for a moment...lemme know if you got…” I yawned. “Any questions…”

I didn’t hear his response; I was already off in dream land.

…

…

“...i…”

“...chi…”

“...kichi…”

“Kokichi!”

I snapped awake and bolted up. “Wha?!” Saihara was holding the notebook in his hand. He seemed to have woken me up. 

“Ngh...What’s the question?” I asked, wiping remaining fatigue out of my eyes. 

He positioned the notebook to face me. “Is this...French?” His voice was curious. I nodded. 

“Yep, my dad moved to Japan from France, and he’d...take me there, sometimes. He taught me how to speak and write it so that I wasn’t clueless.” I smiled fondly, remembering him pulling me around Paris; I had stared in awe, my young eyes filled with confusion and wonder as I looked at the unfamiliar sights and listened to the unfamiliar sounds. 

“Ah, that’s interesting...Why did you write your personal opinion in French, though?” He squinted at the letters on the page as if he stared hard enough the ink would change to Japanese. 

“So no one could read it,” I replied automatically, wincing as the words left my lips. He looked up in confusion, so I added a lie on the end, “It’s so the mastermind can’t read it. Important stuff.”  _ Not really a lie, then. _

“But you can tell me.” Saihara said. 

“Cameras.” I lied again. He nodded. 

“Couldn’t you transla-”

“If the mastermind got their hands on it, things could be...bad…” I scratched the back of my head. 

“Hm…” Saihara’s eyes lit up. “You should teach me French!” He exclaimed, a soft smile taking his mouth. “I would assume you’re fluent. If you could teach me how to read and write French, then I could translate what you wrote. Plus, we could write things in codes.” 

I bit my bottom lip.  _ Shit, great job, Kokichi. You screwed it up. _

“It would take a long time…” I stated, forcing a light flush off of my face. 

“We have a lot of time, but if you really don’t want to, it’s fine…” Saihara tried to keep his smile up, but I could see the slightest bit of disappointment in his eyes.

_ The things I do for these people… _

“Okay, I’ll teach you. We can start later or something, I dunno. Have anything to add to notes?”

“I uh...Already did, I hope that’s okay. I added notes at the very back of your notes…” 

“Okay, cool. What time is it?” Saihara smiled sheepishly.

“It’s ah...almost dinner, eheh…” At my glare, he defended himself, “You need sleep, Kokichi. And you looked really peaceful. I wanted you to sleep without nightmares.” 

“They’re probably going to think you killed me,” I smirked, having more of my energy back now. I hopped off of the bed and plucked my notebook from his hands. 

“So, what happened at lunch?” 

“Nothing really. Maki and Kaito got into a fight, actually.” I tilted my head. 

“They’re like...soulmates, though.” I sputtered. Saihara shrugged. What was it about?” 

“Maki shouted at Kaito, saying something like ‘I’m not your broken thing to fix, get the fuck out of my life,’ you get the jist.” Saihara looked worried for his friends. I sighed. 

_ He’d never be that worried for you… _

_ He probably laughed at your corpse. _

_ He’s going to betray you.  _

_ Shut up, voice.  _

_ You’re a liar.  _

_ “You’re alone, Kokichi, and you always will be.”  _

_ Shut up. _

_ Everyone hates you.  _

_ Not anymore… _

_ I can fix things… _

_ You’re a murderer. _

_ Shut up! _

_ You killed Gonta, sweet innocent Gonta, and you killed Miu, and you killed Kaito. _

_ Shut up!! _

_ You will never be remembered. _

_ Stop!!! _

_ Everyone will be happier when you’re dead. _

“Kokichi?” I snapped out of my thoughts. “Is something wrong?” 

“N-Nope!” I exclaimed with a fake smile. 

He placed a hand on my shoulder. “You’re shaking. Tell me what’s wrong.” 

“There isn’t anything wrong. Let go of me.” Saihara sighed and pulled his hand away. 

“You marked me as trustworthy, Kokichi. You  _ can  _ trust me. We’re partners.” He said firmly. “I know it’s difficult, but I care about you.” 

_ “Pathetic? Look at yourself, Kokichi!” _

I couldn’t help it, I laughed. I laughed until my stomach hurt and tears were coming from my eyes. I laughed until I fell over and curled into myself. 

“Kokichi! Wh-What the hell?!” Saihara backed up. 

_ You’re scaring him, you’re a freak. _

_ Stupid, lying freak! _

_ “Get over here, runt!” _

_ “I’m sorry…!” _

_ Slam! _

I started to sob through my labored laughter, curling further into myself. 

“Kokichi, yo-you need to calm down, okay?!”

_ You’re scaring him. Scary, idiodic freak! _

_ “Please-Please let me out of the locker…!” _

My thoughts came to a screeching halt when I felt arms wrap around my small body. My eyes snapped open. 

_ He’s...comforting me…? _

“Sh...It’s all going to be okay, okay?” He whispered soothingly. 

Slowly but surely, my breaths became less and less ragged, and less tears fell. 

“I’m sorry…” I mumbled when he pulled away. I turned my gaze down to the ground. 

“I get it. I’m surprised it didn’t happen sooner…” Saihara replied, his voice still in a soothing tone. “Dams break. It was only a matter of time.” 

“It’s time for dinner, isn’t it?” I asked. “I need to find some makeup for my eyes, hang on…” I said under my breath. “Wait, I think I know…” 

I walked over to the desk and felt around, finally finding the concealer to cover my puffy eyes and tear stained cheeks. 

“Wait, how long have you used that?” Saihara asked. 

“Since the first day. If you’ve ever wondered why I’m so pale, here’s your answer. Makeup. Lots and lots of makeup.” 

“You…?”

“I’m not emotionless, as most people would have you believe. All of the deaths hit me hard. Add that to the fact that we live in an enclosed dorm and as previously mentioned, I’m claustrophobic, and additionally that I have absolutely no one to go to for comfort, and you get a completely mentally broken person.” I finished applying the makeup and looked back at Saihara.

“...you…?” His voice cracked. 

“Died under a hydraulic press alone and afraid for all of you in hopes that you’d make it out? Look at that, it’s the truth.” I said sarcastically. 

“You didn’t have to-” 

“Yes, Saihara, I did have to go into a depressive state for hours after trials alone. What was I supposed to do? Show up to your dorm and be like ‘hey, just got back from a sob-fest, you wanna emotionally support me?’? That’s stupid and you know it. As much as you’d like to believe that we were close, don’t deny the fact that you’d brush it off as a lie and shove me away.” 

“I would’ve opened the door and comforted you, Kokichi. I care about you. Why is that so hard to understand?!”

“I knocked on your door the day I died. Before the crossbow incident. I wanted to open up and explain things, because I wanted at least one person in the world to know how I felt. You didn’t answer. That’s when I gave up.” I bit my cheek. 

_ Honesty is tiring.  _

“Come on. It’s time for dinner. “

“Kokichi…”

I turned around. 

“I’m sorry for the way we treated you. Maki was a literal murderer and we were fine with that, but...I...we’re all hypocrites. I watched Korekiyo, who killed two of my friends with no reason, go without a word. You had a reason, you were just trying to protect yourself, and if I’m going to forgive the actual murderers, then I’m going to forgive you too. I’m sorry for not believing your final words, I’m sorry for shoving you away, I’m sorry for not looking deeper into your words, and I’m sorry for all of the horrible things I’ve said to you. You - You didn’t deserve those words. I know that now. You’re not pathetic, people want to be around you, the  _ real  _ you. The one I’m just getting to know now. You aren’t alone Kokichi, and you’ll never be alone again so long as I’m around to be there.” 

He looked so serious, so determined, so heart-wrenchingly honest, that I couldn’t help but want to cry again. I didn’t, but I wanted to. 

_ “Hello - Oh, gosh, are you okay?! Why were you in a locker…?”  _

_ “It’s nice to meet you, ____! My name is…”  _

_ What the hell…? _

The memory felt...rough, in a way? Was that the right way to describe it? 

Whereas all of my clearer memories, like ones with my members, had some sort of...shiny feel to them, this one felt sharp, jagged, real...

I couldn’t tell who the person was, their body was twitchy, fuzzy, blurry, and their voice was distorted to the point of unrecognition. 

I felt like I knew them, though.

It was a burning feeling, humming in my chest. Somehow, from somewhere, I knew who the person who reached their hand out for me was. 

Saihara walked out the door, and I followed behind him quietly. 

We arrived in the cafeteria. It still felt weird, walking in without making some annoyingly grand entrance. 

I took a seat next to Gonta and Amami this time. Saihara went over to sit by Akamatsu and Momota. 

“Did you enjoy your nap, Ouma-kun?” Kirumi asked as she handed out what seemed to be sushi. I hummed and popped one of the Maki Rolls into my mouth. 

Saihara looked at me and looked about to laugh. I smirked back. 

“Yeah, though I wish  _ someone  _ would have woken me up. What went on while your leader was gone?” I asked. 

The whole mask was more or less based on my own personality and sense of humor, except much more exaggerated, and it wasn’t sarcastic like most of my jokes were. 

“Momota-san and Harukawa-san got into a fight.” Amami commented. “It was over something dumb-” 

“Do you wanna die!?” Harukawa hissed angrily, clenching her fists. 

“Yes, actually, I do.” Amami winked. Saihara and I winced in unison. 

“Maybe not the type of thing to say in a killing game,” Ryoma shrugged, taking a bite of his food. 

“Speaking of which, have you gotten any closer to finding a way out, Ouma-kun?” Kirumi asked, setting a water down in front of me. 

“Nah, but we’ll find a way out soon, I promise.” I sighed. “I’m sorry, everyone. The nap took some time out. I’ll keep working on it, seriously.” 

“Wh - Guys, it’s been like eight hours…” Saihara cut in when everyone’s faces settled into disappointment. “Kokichi may be intelligent, but he’s not a god. You’re all crazy if-” 

“Shut up, Saihara.” I cut him off. 

He went silent and looked down at his food. 

“We can find a way out together!” Akamatsu shouted. “Ouma-kun doesn’t need to do it alone. Tell us how we can help!” I bit my bottom lip. 

“Okay...Um...I don’t really have a plan yet, but um...if you guys find anything out of the ordinary, let me know.”

“Of course,” Kirumi nodded. 

“Do you have a main partner or anything? Ooh, we should move in groups when we explore things!” Yonaga said excitedly. 

“I’m his ah...main partner.” Saihara waved nervously. 

“Ooh, is that why you’ve been going to his room so often?” Shirogane exclaimed. 

“Nah, I betcha they’ve just been screwin’ around, not virgins!” Iruma snickered with a drool on her chin. 

“Shut up, cum dumpster.” I spat, forcing blood away from my cheeks. Saihara was not as lucky; he smacked his face down on the table with a groan. Momota patted his head. 

“C-Cum dumpster!?” She squirmed. 

“You good over there, Saihara?” I asked. He just grumbled something in response. 

“Have we decided the shifts for tonight?” I asked to change the subject. Amami smiled. 

“Yeah. You and Saihara are first shift, Akamatsu and I are second shift, Yumeno and Chabashira are third shift, Iruma and Kiibo are fourth shift, Harukawa and Momota are fifth shift, and Tojo and Hoshi are sixth shift.” 

“What about Shinguji, Shirogane, Gonta, and I?” Yonaga asked. 

“Shinguji is...not fit for the job, and neither is Shirogane, Gonta needs to sleep, because he apparently gets grumpy if not, and you would probably try and steal the blood of the people sleeping.” Amami replied bluntly. 

“Everyone good with their shifts?” I nodded, and there were no objections around the table. “Now, who’s room are we using for this?”

“We could use mine.” Saihara volunteered. Again, no objections came. 

I shoved away my food slowly, as to not raise suspicion. “Another rule, no going anywhere without a group of four. That way, no one will die.” I stated. “At least, not without witnesses. I doubt anyone would be that dumb anyways.” I said. “If anyone has been found breaking this rule, a search will go out immediately, and said rule-breakers will be set in a corner so they can’t plot anything.” 

“That’s...a really good idea…” Saihara mused. I noticed he’d picked his head off of the table. 

“What about if I go to the bathroom! I don’t want to go with degenerate males!” Chabashira shouted. 

“There’s eight girls, they’ll come with, don’t worry.” I stated. She looked content by that.

“Any questions?” 

Silence. 

“Okay coo-”

“You haven’t eaten.” Saihara said out of nowhere. 

_ Shit. _

“Not hungry.” I stated. 

“You haven’t eaten since yesterday, best case scenario.” He said firmly. “Eat.” 

“Not. Hungry.” I gritted through my teeth. 

He glared at me from beneath his hat. “Eat.”

“No.”

A shiver went down my spine at that glare, but I forced the voice away. 

_ Ding dong bing bong! _

Monodam stared in silence at the monitor. 

With that, the monitor clicked off. 

I shoved my food into the trash. 

“C’mon, let’s get to Saihara’s room, eh?” I grinned, thankful for the distraction. Everyone started hurrying out and we got into the hall. 

I skipped to the dormitories with more energy than usual. I was still a little annoyed at Saihara for letting me waste time in lala-land, but it was alright. I could make up for it later. 

We got to his room, where he fumbled with the door before opening it. “I’ll get extra blankets. Anyone who needs anyone else, come with me.” I said, knowing there were more blankets in my dorm. 

“I’ll grab some stuff for a makeover!” Akamatsu said positively. 

“I’ll come too. I need to grab my charging cord.” Kiibo stated. 

The three of us walked to our own separate rooms. I grabbed about fourteen bundles of blankets, balancing them carefully in my arms, and grabbed the journal I’d written in yesterday and forgotten about. 

Akamatsu and Kiibo were waiting at the door for me. “By the way, sorry about what I said at the Dark Road of Despair. That was...rude.” I mumbled. 

“Oh, don’t worry about it, I shouldn’t have pushed you all so hard. Do you need me to take some blankets?” 

Without waiting for my answer, Akamatsu took about half of the bundle of blankets. “Thanks…” I mumbled. She smiled brightly at me, and her, Kiibo, and I walked to Saihara’s room. 

“We come bearing blankets, peasants! Bow down, mortals!” I shouted in my most regal voice. My classmates looked at me weirdly, and I pursed my lips in embarrassment. 

Look, people are hard, okay?

I dropped the blankets by the door and grabbed a fluffy purple one. Wrapping it around myself, I flopped down next to Saihara’s bed. 

He was laying there, writing in a black notebook. I noticed that he wore a white button up now, most likely what he had on under his jacket. He still had the hat though. 

I huffed and snatched it. He made a startled sound and bolted up. I crossed my arms and shoved the hat onto my own head. 

He simply sighed and relented, turning his head back to his notebook. 

“You look so nice without your hat, Shuichi!” Akamatsu said with a big grin. 

_ Right, I forgot those two are into each other.  _

_ I should let them get together. _

_ I should stay out of the way.  _

_ I should get out of here. _

“I’m going to the bathroomseeyoulaterbye!” I shot up and dashed off to my room. 

Huffing and puffing, I slammed the door shut and locked it tightly. There, I slumped against the door and put my head in my hands.

Too much, this was all way, way too much. 

I didn’t cry; I laid down in front of the door and curled into a little protective ball. My head throbbed, and all I could hear was blood pounding in my ears. 

I was weak, and hungry, and tired, and cold and sad, and alone, and it was all so much. 

_ Tomorrow the time limit motive comes out. I need to figure out how to stop that. It’s a bluff, it has to be. They wouldn’t let their show end so quickly, after all. So how would I convince them to believe me? I can’t use Saihara’s help, he’s too busy with Akamatsu.  _

_ I’ll get them out of here, by any means necessary… _

_ I could lock us all in Saihara’s room. No murders can occur there, not with everyone around. I need to make sure Ryoma stays right next to me, I can’t let him do something stupid.  _

The vibrations of the door knocked me out of my thoughts. 

I held my breath. 

“Kokichi, I know you’re in there.” Amami said. 

_ Oh, it’s avocado-ass.  _

I sighed and dragged myself upwards. When I opened the door, he immediately stepped in without a warning. 

“Interesting place you got here. What’s the whiteboard for?” He asked, sitting on my bed. I looked at my hands.

“Finding a way out.” I stated. “Why are you here?” 

“You...looked pretty stressed. I wanted to check on ya. So, what’s up?” He had some odd, calming aura. 

I could remember that we were somewhat close during the first loop. We just sort of hung out. It was nice. 

“...nothing.” 

“Kokichi.” He made me look at him. “Tell me.”

“Only if you tell me what you know. You know more than you let on. If you tell me, then I’ll tell you what’s making me like this.” 

“Fine.” Amami replied.

“I think...I’ve been here before...Not - Not here, like, this place. But in a situation like this before. I know I sound crazy. But this is familiar. Sort of. I don’t know any of you, but Monokuma...I get this strong sense of deja vu when I look at the bear, like something is pulling at my head.” 

“Your turn.” 

“I’m...Okay, promise me you won’t think I’m crazy, and that you won’t tell anyone.”

“Promise.” 

“I’ve been here before. I know all of you. Time went backwards. I tried to end the killing game, and I paid my life for it, but it apparently didn’t work, and now I’m back here with every memory of it. Saihara knows too. We know who the mastermind is, but we’re doing everything we can to prevent people from dying...Or at least, I am. Saihara’s just been watching over Shirogane for me and stuff. I can do it on my own. The reason I’m so tired is that I’m trying to get a way out of here.”

“But why did you run out? I can tell that’s not the reason.” Rantaro stated. 

I looked down. “Promise me you won’t tell him?” I looked up at him hopefully, and he nodded. 

“...I uh…” 

“Um...I…”

“...I have a…”

“...I’m uhm…” 

“I’minlovewithSaiharapleasedon’tjudgeme - !”

To my surprise, Rantaro just laughed. “Yeah, that was pretty obvious. I figured that out at the lunch table. You were literally the only one patrolling.” 

I looked away. “It’s that obvious?” 

“Everyone knows but him. For a detective, he’s pretty damn dense.” He snorted. I rolled my eyes. 

“Tell me about it.” I grumbled. “Y’know, in the past loop, I literally called him stuff like ‘my beloved detective, my beloved, and I also literally  _ told him _ , and speaking the exact words here, ‘I stole your heart, so now I’m satisfied. I don’t need to steal your life anymore!’. He is  _ that _ dense.” Rantaro snorted. 

“Anyway, getting off-topic here, I ran out ‘cause it’s so obvious that he’s into Akamatsu. I...feel like the third wheel.” 

Rantaro bit his lip. “Ah, yeah, gonna be honest here, I think I’ve got a crush on Kaede.” Rantaro scratched the back of his head. “But Kaede’s not into him. She’s said before that she thinks of him as her best friend.” 

“Also, I’m pretty sure he isn’t crushing on her. Like, I know the signs, and he’s not showing them.” He shrugged. I gave him an incredulous look. “Seriously, like, he talks to her, sure, and he’s flustered around her sometimes, too, but I’m not seeing any long pining gazes at her, are you?” 

“Well, no, but -” 

“And does he talk about her often?” 

“...no…”

“I know that he  _ does _ however, talk about you.” 

“Because we’re working together to stop this thing, and he needs an excuse to come to my room pretty often.” 

“He looks at you.” 

“He looks at everyone.” 

“When you took off his hat, he didn’t care.” 

“The hat that Akamatsu convinced him to take off last loop.” 

“Kokichi!”

“Rantaro!”

Rantaro groaned. 

“Come on, they’re worried about you.” He said. I shrugged. 

“What if I don’t wanna go back?” I challenged. Rantaro huffed.. 

“What if you follow your own damn rules?” 

I sighed and got up. Rantaro led me back.

Everyone stared. 

_ They all hate you.  _

_ They want you dead.  _

_ “Pathetic? Look at yourself, Kokichi!” _

_ They’d all be happier if you were dead.  _

_ You’re going to be forgotten about.  _

_ “But no one wants to be around you!” _

Rantaro shoved me forwards. I winced. Their eyes burned into me, searching for a scar to pick at. 

“Sorry about that.” I forced my lips to turn up. “I’m back, grovel at my feet and get down on your knees.” 

They stared. 

I ducked my head and grabbed my journal before finding a silent corner to hide in shame. 

Eventually, they turned away and got to talking again. 

Saihara stared the most, though his gaze was more curious than confused. His golden eyes met mine for just a moment before I flitted my irises away.

I looked to my notebook and searched for a pencil. Of course, I had forgotten it, because I was an idiot. 

I sighed and got to my feet to go grab a blanket. I stumbled, and almost fell, but I managed to grab it and slunk back into my corner. 

I was largely ignored, but it seemed like Ryoma, Rantaro, Kiibo, and Shuichi looked at me. To be honest, I just wanted to sleep. 

The problem with sleeping, though, was the nightmares. 

Not just from the previous loop, though. 

I had nightmares of all kinds. I’d have nightmares of DICE, the few people I’d opened up to, dying in front of my eyes. I’d have nightmares of days back in middle school, where I shoved into lockers, beaten bloody, or shouted at until my ears rang. I’d have nightmares of those I loved screaming at me, hitting me, shaking me to the core. I’d have nightmares of being unable to help the people I cared about the most. 

So many nightmares. 

I wrapped myself in the blanket and curled into a ball, shivering slightly. It was cold in here. 

And then it got worse. 

_ Cold, like the press. _

The ceiling was too low. 

_ Cramped, like the press.  _

The people were packed closely together. 

_ Just like how DICE was. DICE isn’t real.  _

Saihara was staring at me. 

_ Just like he did after the fourth trial.  _

_ “You have no one!” _

My jaw began to tremble. I dug my nails into my shoulder to stop the tears, something I’d learned was helpful after the trials. 

_ Trials… _

_ Stop. _

_ Killers… _

_ Murderers… _

_ Stop! _

_ You’re a murderer. _

_ SHUT UP! _

_ Alone and always-” _

“Kokichi?” 

I peeked out of the blanket. “Oh. What’s up, detective?” 

“It’s our shift, are you alright?” He asked, giving me his hand to help me up. I nodded with fake cheerfulness and forced myself out of my warm blanket, refusing his hand. For a moment, a flash of hurt came over his eyes, but it was gone as soon as it came. 

“I assume we’re sitting by the door?” Saihara nodded quietly. 

I walked with him to the door and sat down next to him. Everyone seemed to be settling in. Rantaro gave me a mock salute before he nuzzled into his blanket. 

About one half hour later, when it seemed everyone was sleeping, Saihara whispered, “What happened earlier?” 

“...” I didn’t respond, choosing instead to pretend I didn’t hear him. 

“Kokichi, I know you heard me.” He replied. He already sounded annoyed with me. 

_ When is he not?  _

_ Shut up! _

_ “You have no one!” _

_ “Please, please pleasepleaseithurtsShuichimakeitstopitallhurtsI’msorryithurtssobadShuichipleasecomebackitallhurts -”  _

_ Crunch! _

I blinked away the burn of tears in my eyes. “Nothing happened. I’m fine.” I said blankly.

“Kokichi. Don’t lie.” 

“‘M not. I went to the bathroom.” 

“You went to the bathroom for an hour.” It was more of a statement than a question. I opened my mouth, but he continued, “And it took Rantaro to go to the bathroom to bring you back.” 

“Fine. I wasn’t in the fucking bathroom, happy!?” I spat, keeping my voice in a whisper-shout. 

Saihara sighed. “Why can’t you understand that you can trust me?” He asked. I blinked. 

“I can’t trust anyone. I have no one. Just like you said. I’m pathetic.” I admitted. Saihara twitched. 

“Stop - Stop thinking about that. Those words aren’t true. You know they aren’t.” 

“Shut the hell up. You apologized to save your conscience. Don’t try to lie and say you didn’t.” I spat.

“Kokichi - “

“And don’t get going on that damn ‘we have to stay hopeful, mehmehmeh’ crap. Akamatsu was all ‘lol hope’ and look where the fuck that got us. Leave me alone. I’ll find a way out of here without your help. Stop trying to pretend you can fix me. I’m not your damn detective case, no matter how much you try to pretend I am. Stop trying to understand me. You never have, and you never fucking will.” 

The hurt in his eyes was evident. 

_ You’re just trying to keep him safe. Protect him. If he isn’t getting himself wrapped up in all of this shit, he can’t get hurt, and you can keep him safe.  _

_ I’ll keep him safe from Shirogane, and the sick bastards running this, and everyone who’ll try to hurt him.  _

_ I’ll keep him safe from me. _

Saihara turned away, reaching for a hat that wasn’t there, and I slumped down.

_ If I stay alone, no one will get hurt from me.  _

_ I can protect them. _

_ I can save them all.  _

_ I can help them. _

_ Keep them away from me, and I’ll keep them all alive.  _

_ I will keep them alive.  _

_ I have to.  _

_ They’ll get out, all of them.  _

_ But maybe I won’t.  _


	4. Rome Wasn't Built in a Day (Chapter 3)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Saihara and Ouma make up, listen to emo music, and then it all goes downhill.

The rest of our shift went quietly, with no conversation. Saihara didn’t turn around from his corner. 

_ It’s fine, you can do this on your own.  _

_ You can do this by yourself. _

_ You’re protecting him. Monokuma won’t hurt him now.  _

_ Being alone… _

_ … _

_ Being alone will be worth it.  _

_ In the end.  _

_ Right…? _

_ It hurts to be alone… _

_ But I can do it.  _

_ I’ll push all of them away.  _

_ I’ll put the damn mask on again, if that’s what it takes.  _

_ I’ll get them all out of here.  _

_ I know that I will.  _

_ I can. _

“Our shift is over.” Saihara said, his voice calmly chilling. I swallowed. He didn’t look at me; he simply went to wake Akamatsu. 

I quietly woke Rantaro. “It’s your shift.” I muttered. He groaned and dragged himself out of his blankets. 

_ Fuck, I shouldn’t have opened up to him, now he can use that against me… _

I curled into a ball in my corner, knowing that I wasn’t going to be sleeping. I squeezed my eyes shut and shivered again. 

_ Everything hurts.  _

***

~~~

_ “Stop trying to understand me. You never have, and you never fucking will. _ ” The words repeated in my head. 

_ “I want to try to understand you, Kokichi.”  _ I wanted to say. That statement, however, was caught in my throat, clinging to my tongue.  _ “If you’d just let me in, if you’d just let down your walls, I could understand you, I know that I could. I will understand you, if you just give me time.”  _

He had interested me since the first loop, a teenager, caught in a web of lies. But once that spider on the web got to be too much, once it clawed at his fingers and hands, once it forced its venom into his body and forced those lies to tear out of him, I left him in that web to be killed. 

I failed him. 

I lied to myself. 

I shouted my own venom at him, burning, stinging, screaming venom, and the venom sunk into his skin, sunk into his blurry mind, and burrowed deeper. 

No matter how much antivenom was delivered in the form of apologies, it still stayed, still stabbed him; his own personal spider. 

I gave him that spider. And now, I couldn’t take that spider away. 

I could tell how much that spider affected him, too, could see how much it bit down, could hear in his few moments of vulnerability how often it bit. 

There was nothing I could do to erase that spider. 

_ “Stop trying to pretend you can fix me. I’m not your damn detective case, no matter how much you try to pretend I am.” _

The next day, as soon as that morning announcement played, Kokichi shot up, grabbed his notebook, and sprinted out of the room. 

Rantaro had sent me an odd look, too; as if he knew something that I didn’t. 

His stare was piercing, and he looked almost...angry, for some reason. 

I walked to the cafeteria, those words from last night playing, and replaying, and replaying, and replaying like a commercial’s jingle you can’t get out of your head, minus the cheerfulness. 

Ouma-kun wasn’t there. 

_ Shit.  _

I sat down by Kiibo. Rantaro wasn’t there either. 

But neither was Monokuma. 

_ Right, Shirogane wasn’t able to get to Motherkuma… _

_ But...Where is Kokichi…? _

“Where did Ouma-kun and Rantaro-san go?” Kaede asked. 

“Maybe Saihara-kun knows.” I turned around, and Rantaro was leaning on the doorway with a frown. 

I cringed. 

“What would he know?” Momota snapped. 

Rantaro snorted. “As if you’d care where Kokichi is.” 

_ Wait, does he remember too? _

“Amami…?” Akamatsu said quietly. Rantaro met her eyes and sighed. 

“‘Scuse me, dunno what came over me. ‘M not hungry. I’ve got a little brother to comfort.” He gave a single wave and walked out of the cafeteria. 

“What did he mean, Saihara-kun?” Tojo asked smoothly. 

“I-I’m not really sure…” I lied. “I r-really don’t know what h-he’s talking about…” 

_ “I’ve got a little brother to comfort.” _

If Kokichi wasn’t here, would that make him Rantaro’s ‘little brother’? 

...did that mean Kokichi needed comfort?

...

...did I cause that…?

_ I need to make it up to him.  _

_ I need to apologize.  _

_ I need him to know that I’m sorry.  _

_ I need him to know that it’s not a lie.  _

As soon as I finished my food, I shoved away from the table and speed-walked to the dorms. 

Once I got there, however, a wave of nausea hit me, and I ducked into my room like a coward. 

I started pacing. Back, forth, back, forth, back, forth, until my legs hurt and my ankles were sore. 

_ Okay, okay, how do I fix this? How do I apologize?  _

I tapped my left foot and sat down on my bed with my head in my hands.

_How do I get him to really believe me…? Do I hug him? But he doesn’t like touching much...Do I yell at him if he doesn’t - wait, shit, that’s idiotic. Maybe I force him to believe me by_ _staying there until he looks me in the eyes._

_ That may work, but what if he slams the door on me, or just plain doesn’t believe my words. Maybe that’s a backup plan, then.  _

_ Am I overthinking this? _

_...yeah. _

I sighed. 

_ Why, oh why must Kokichi be so frustratingly untrusting? _

_ I hate it. Why is it so difficult to get on his side?! _

_ He can be so annoying.  _

_ Wait… _

_ I can’t think like that. _

_ If Kokichi trusts me, I’m not going to give him a reason to not.  _

Making up my mind, I walked out of my room and over to Kokichi’s door. 

I knocked gently.

The door didn’t swing open. 

I knocked again. 

Nothing. 

I rang the doorbell. 

“What?! What is so fucking - oh.” His aggravated gaze grew blank. “Why are you here.” It came out like a statement rather than a question. 

“I wanted to apologize to you, Kokichi, for...for all of the bad things I said to you. Even if you - even when what you did was horrible, you didn’t deserve words like those. Th-They were - I - I - your actions were terrible, but my words weren’t justified. They would never be justified, and I - “ I wiped at the tears building in my eyes as I started sputtering over words. “I s-still don’t - I - my words - my words should not be forgiven. Th-they still affect you, and I-I wish I could take them b-back, Kokichi, I really, really do.” 

Kokichi’s eyes were wide, and they seemed to be glossy. He swallowed audibly and stared at me, finally meeting my eyes, something I’d never wanted to do before. 

His right eye was a deep purple, as I’d assumed before. However, his left one had bright flecks of gold, as if he was wearing a contact or something. 

They were...kind of beautiful, if I were to be honest. 

_ No, Saihara, stop that, we’re not bringing those thoughts out right now.  _

Kokichi kept staring, and my breath caught in my throat in fear that he’d slam the door in my face. 

Kokichi wiped at his eyes and turned his gaze to the floor. “...you make this too hard...I just want to save all of you, why do you make it so difficult…” 

“You don’t deserve to be isolated, okay? You can only get better with help. Let me help you, Kokichi. Let all of us help you. Please.” 

Kokichi’s shoulders started shaking, and for one terrifying moment, I thought he was laughing at me. 

But he was crying. 

I opened my arms cautiously, and another surprise came. 

Kokichi caught me in a hug. 

He was cold, freezing in my arms, and I could feel him soaking my jacket, but I couldn’t honestly care less. I rubbed his back gently.

“Shh, it’s okay…” I whispered. “It’s all okay, I promise.” I had never really been good at comforting people, but I was trying my best. 

“I - I’m sorry…” He said quietly, his voice cracking. 

“Kokichi, don’t be sorry. It’s okay to cry.” I murmured, and loosened my arms around him. “It’ll all be okay, I’m right here. I’ll always be here for you, whenever you need it.” 

“Th-thank you…” He whispered. “‘M sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry, I told you already. There’s no need to be sorry.” Kokichi looked up and he wiped his eyes. 

_ Was he always this pretty…? _

_ No, bad Shuichi, you’re not falling in love with your partner, that’s just going to lead to embarrassment and problems in general down the road.  _

“Thanks for putting up with my shit…” He mumbled with a light laugh. 

“Yeah, I do that a lot, don’t I?” I asked sarcastically. 

Kokichi laughed and held up his ring finger. “Y’know, I still have a scar from the knife game, which makes me wonder if I have other scars. I can’t exactly see my back, and I never look in a mirror, like, ever. You wanna come in, by the way? I don’t think it’d be too fun if someone came out here, nishi.” 

“U-Uh, okay.”  _ That’s some...odd phrasing.  _

Kokichi seemed to realize at the same time and snorted. “Chill, I’m not going to let Iruma live out her fantasies...yet. Unless you want to, nishishi!”

I scowled as my cheeks went red. “Shush.” I grumbled as we walked into his room. He flopped down on his bed. 

“So, what new ideas do you - “

“Actually I was just hoping to hang out today. I think we both need a break. So, what do you want to do?” 

Kokichi smirked. “We could play the knife - “

“No.” I cut him off. Kokichi’s smirk didn’t falter however. 

“I’ve got an idea! Let’s say dumb pick-up lines and give them a rating!”

I rolled my eyes, but decided it wouldn’t be so bad. It would probably be fun. 

“Okay, you go first.” Kokichi hummed in thought. 

“‘Kay, lemme think. Oh! I got one. If you were words on a page, you’d - “ Kokichi cut himself off with laughter. When he finally composed himself he said, “If you were words on a page you’d be fine print!” He burst into snickers. 

I also laughed and massaged my temples. “Please tell me you didn’t come up with that yourself…” 

“Nah, I think I heard my dad use it on someone when we were in France once.” He giggled. “She rolled her eyes at him and walked away.” 

“I’m not surprised.” I mumbled. 

“Okay, your turn. Wait, what’s your rating? On a scale of one to ten.” 

“Four. Moving on.” I tapped my foot in thought, but I couldn’t come up with much. I finally got one and managed to laugh out, “Are you a bank loan, because you’ve got my interest.” 

Kokichi made a donkey-laugh sound. “Okay, okay, six, because I haven’t heard that one before, and I wish it stayed that way.”

I sighed. “I was trying!” I protested. “It’s not like I flirt with people! I’ve never even had a girlfriend!” 

“Okay, feel my shirt, you know what it’s made of? Boyfriend material.” I facepalmed as Kokichi wheezed.

“Please tell me you didn’t come up with that on your own.” I fended off laughs. 

“I - I did.” Kokichi got out. The absolute pride on his face was what broke me, and I started giggling. 

I never did like my laugh, it was annoying and weird sounding, and my friends often teased me about it. 

“Gimme your rating!” Kokichi exclaimed, crossing his arms. 

“J-Just because you made me laugh, you get a nine.” 

Kokichi grinned. “Yay! I win, nishishi!” His gleeful expression was a win enough for me. 

_ Shit, Shuichi, come on. _

“Sooo, what kind of music do you like?” He asked curiously. I rubbed the back of my neck self-consciously. 

“Um...emo music…”

Kokichi giggled. “Called it. Well, guess what I found at the warehouse while I was missing from breakfast?” He bent over, reaching under his bed, and pulled out a radio and some discs.”

“Why this is here is a mystery, but I have it! Take your pick,  Mon très charmant détective

_ French again _ _ , _ I thought curiously.  _ He said something about detectives...Something something detective. _

I looked at the cds and decided on one. 

He smirked as he popped the disc into the player and turned the volume up. 

The familiarity of the song was odd. The memories of listening to this music felt almost...shiny, shimmery, but all of this felt warm and solid. 

Kokichi looked almost enthralled in the player, staring at it with his head tilted. It was almost adorable, seeing his curiosity. 

When the song ended, I said smugly, “Are you going to criticize the emo music anymore?”

Kokichi’s cheeks went a pale pink and he grumbled angrily. “Shush.” 

I giggled again and flicked his button-shaped nose. Kokichi’s face went to a brighter pink at that. 

“Sh-shup.” 

“Shup?” I teased. 

“Jesus, when did you get so sassy? Did you extract power from the emo music or something like some sort of succubus?” 

“Kokichi, a succubus is a sex demon.” 

“...oh…” 

I snorted. “It’s okay, words are hard.” 

“Close your mouth. Don’t open it again.” I opened my mouth to tease him again, but he put his hand on my jaw and pushed it up to effectively shut me up. “Hush your face.” 

I laughed and crossed my arms.

_ Kokichi and I grew a little closer today. _

_ I’m glad… _

A knock came on the door, but it opened before I even stood up. 

“Sup, little bro, sup Saihara.” Rantaro said cooly. “What’re you doin’ in here?” He leaned against the doorway again. 

Kokichi grinned. “Saihara’s committing a murder! Buuuut, that’s a lie, we’re listening to emo music.” He spoke with a light lilt in his voice. “Why do you ask?” I realized Kokichi still had his hand on my jaw. 

I pushed Kokichi’s hand away from my face and he started whining. “Waaaah! Shuichi is bullying meeeee!”

_ First name… _

“Why are you harassing Saihara, little brother?” Rantaro smirked. Kokichi huffed and crossed his arms. 

“I - I ah...came here first…” I mumbled. Rantaro met my eyes for a moment and nodded quietly. 

“Cool. Anyway, I came to let Kokichi know that Kiibo was looking for him.” Kokichi snorted. 

“Looking for me to avoid me, I’ll bet.” 

“Shush, little brother. Kiibo’s in the game room if you wanna meet him. See ya.” With that, Rantaro pushed off of the doorframe and walked away.

“Why don’t you go hang out with Kiibo?” I asked. Kokichi frowned. 

“Meh, I’ll hang out with him later. We should figure things out for the -  _ fuck! _ ” Kokichi shot up. “We need to find out if Tsumugi has respawned Monokuma, and if not, we need to follow her everywhere, at least until lunch, and then we’ll get someone to keep an eye on her.” Kokichi’s hands flew up to his hair, where he started tugging.

I grabbed his hands away and pulled them back down. “Kokichi, stop that, you’re just going to hurt yourself. How about you go hang out with Kiibo for a bit - no, how about you go eat something, and I’ll watch Shirogane - “

“No way, no offense, but you’re really fucking dense sometimes and I need to do this. Besides, I’m not hungry. I have to go.” Kokichi went to run out of the room, but I snagged his wrist. 

“Kokichi, you need to stop. I’m worried about you. You haven’t eaten, you haven’t slept much at all, and you’ve been overstressing yourself  _ way _ too much. Stopping this game can wait, because we’re going to get  _ everyone _ out, and that includes you. You need to stay healthy and eat, and sleep. Promise me that you will eat.” 

“I’m not hungry. I ate this morning.” 

“Stop lying to me! Come on.” I started dragging him to the dining hall, but he dug his feet into the ground. 

“I’m. Not.  _ Hungry. _ ” I turned to him and saw that he was shaking, and I immediately felt guilty. 

“Okay, I’m sorry for pushing you. Can you at least eat something small? Like - Just a banana, or some oatmeal.” Kokichi sighed. 

“...fine...I’ll eat a fruit.” I let out a breath of relief. 

“Let’s go, then.” Kokichi hung his head quite low as we walked to the kitchen. 

I handed him an apple and we walked to the empty dining hall. Once he sat down, I sat next to him. 

He took the smallest bite of his apple and looked genuinely sick. 

Slowly but surely, he finished the apple to the core. 

He shoved the apple away, and I reached out my hand. 

Look, I’m in a constant state of touch-starvedness. 

He hesitated, but slowly took it. 

“C’mon, let’s go find Shirogane.” I said softly. Kokichi nodded, his expression determined. 

I’d always known he was pretty stubborn, but his dedication truly surprised me. I could tell from being around him more that he slept very little, instead using his time to find a way out of this place. 

We started looking, and eventually found Shirogane in the game room, chatting with Kiibo. Monokuma was nowhere to be seen.

Kokichi seemed to take a sigh of relief. 

“Helloooo, peasants.” Kokichi walked in dramatically, flicking his wrist over his forehead for extra effect. 

“Oh, hello Ouma-kun!” Shirogane said with a fakely bright smile. 

“Hi, Ouma-kun,” Kiibo waved. 

“Call me Kokichi, people calling me Ouma makes me feel old.” He shrugged, leaning on one of the machines. 

“Okay, Kokichi!” Shirogane said excitedly. 

Kokichi looked repulsed by that, but said nothing. He looked around and found the claw machine. 

He pulled a couple Monocoins out of his pocket and maneuvered the claw to pick up a small grey teddy bear. 

He held it up in victory, then tossed it into my arms. “Nishishi!”

He pulled out some more Monocoins and managed to grab a light green bear, which he threw into Kiibo. 

I inspected the small bear. It was...not very well produced. It was most likely made in a big factory with no love involved.

I kept it anyway. 

“Ooh, can I have one?” Shirogane said with a giggle. Kokichi smirked and reached into his pockets. 

“Whoops, fresh out of Monocoins, sorry, Plain Jane.” 

I held back a laugh; her eyes were obviously outraged, but her mouth was wiggling as it tried to keep itself in a smile. 

“Oh, okay…” 

“Aaaaaanyway,  _ I’m _ going to go look for Monokuma to see if he’s still living. Do you, by chance…” Kokichi grew so close to Shirogane their noses were almost touching. “Know where he is?” 

Shirogane’s eyes turned a bright blue. “I-I don’t know what you’re talking about - !” She sputtered. 

Kokichi feigned innocence. “Nishishi! Okay! How about you, Kiibo?” Exclaimed the boy as he turned away. 

“I have not seen Monokuma, no.” Kiibo sighed. “Based on your asking, I’d assume you have not seen him either.” 

Kiibo made a similar face to the one he made after the nineteenth run of the Dark Road of Despair. Not true despair, but disappointment and loss of hope. 

“Hm…” Kokichi tapped his foot. 

“Ouma-kun, how about we go hang out and let these two have fun, eh?” I could immediately see the way Kokichi paled. 

He met my eyes.  _ Trap? _ I mouthed. Kokichi winced and mouthed back,  _ I dunno. If I die, I guess we’ll know why, right?  _ I scowled.  _ Stop that. If it’s not safe, we’ll come up with an excuse. _

“What are you doing?” Kiibo asked curiously. I twitched. 

“Oh, ah, nothing, eheheh…”  _ Real good lie, Shumai. _ Kokichi mouthed. 

_ Shumai… _

“Come, I’ll show you something I found on the road of despair or whatever it was called!” Shirogane exclaimed and gripped his wrist tightly. Kokichi visibly wriggled in pain. 

Kokichi sighed and gave me a small, mock salute, mouthing,  _ If I don’t see you, tell everyone, and keep my big brother safe for me. _ He gave me a small smile. 

“W-Wait!” I cut in. Shirogane let go of Kokichi. 

“What?” She asked. 

“Kokichi and I were going to meet Amami-kun. He...asked for us. And Kiibo.” I added. Kiibo looked at me confusedly, but I gave him a look that said ‘go with it’.

“Oh, yup-yup, I forgot about the avocado! Sorry, you’ll have to wait at least a day to try and seduce your supreme leader.” Kokichi winked flirtatiously, to which Shirogane sputtered. 

I felt a warm flush on my neck, I bit my lip. 

Shirogane backed up and walked away, muttering something beneath her breath. Once she left the room, Kokichi cursed under his breath and sighed. 

“Saihara, you go to…” Kokichi bit his lip, most likely looking for some excuse. “You go to look for my lab, Kiibo and I will go say hi to Rantaro.” 

I nodded. “Say hi to him for me.” I said with a small wave. Kokichi nodded, grabbed Kiibo’s metallic hand, and started dragging him away. 

As soon as they were gone, I dashed off in Shirogane’s direction.

I found her heading towards the bathroom. 

“Shirogane-san.” I called. She froze. 

“Shuichi.” She stated. Her voice was cautious. “Tell me something.” She didn’t turn around. 

“Depends on what you’re asking.” I replied, colder than I thought my voice could go.

“You know, don’t you? You know about all of it. You know everyone here. You know exactly who the mastermind is. The girl who stands before you, puhuhu..” 

Shirogane finally turned around, her eyes as bright as flashlights. “You know every motive, every death, every person you sentenced to  _ die. _ ” 

“Kokichi knows too. He knows everything. And he wants to  _ get everyone out of here _ ,” She giggled, her voice mocking. “And he’s told Rantaro, who died first. He’s told Rantaro because he cares about Rantaro.” She laughed, genuinely laughed. 

“But Kokichi lied. Kokichi lied to you, and Rantaro, and everyone else. He’s said he wants all of you to get out. That part...is almost true.” She stepped forwards. 

“But there’s one person he doesn’t plan on leaving. Do you know who that is,  _ Shumai? _ ” Her laughter grew crazed, deranged even. 

“That person is - “

“Ohoho, you’ve backed yourself into a corner, little miss mastermind.” I turned around in surprise. 

Kokichi came around the wall and grinned. He held a voice recorder, one I assumed he had  _ “You know exactly who the mastermind is. The girl who stands before you, puhuhu...” _

“Tell me, Tsumugi, dear. How would someone innocent say something like that? Nishishi, that’s the thing, they  _ wouldn’t. _ ” 

True terror flashed in Shirogane’s eyes for a moment.

Then, she laughed. 

She laughed. 

“You don’t have real proof! I could say that  _ you’re  _ the mastermind, and they’d all believe me! I could say it’s Shuichi, and that he’s threatened you into changing the voice! You have no power!”

“I could kill you! I could you, Kokichi, and pin it on Saihara! And they’d never know! All of you are clueless! All of you are idiots! This season won’t end so soon!”

“But...I’ll give you a deal. If you can find a way out of here, a genuine way to leave, then I’ll let you leave, no problem. If you can take me down and get out of here, I will let you end Danganronpa!” 

“But that won’t happen. You’re hopeless, Kokichi. Your plan failed. You can’t do a thing right, and you  _ know it. _ ” She grinned maniacally. 

“Bye bye, and good luck.” Shirogane pushed past me and ran far away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fun fact, while looking for pick-up lines for this chapter, I found r o b l o x p i c k u p l i n e s  
> So I harassed my friend with them.   
> He did not appreciate it lol
> 
> Also, I know the angst was short-lived, but don't worry, there is more to come >:)


	5. How Can We Fix This? (Chapter 4)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Kokichi and Shuichi get a makeover, and Shirogane is a bitch, as per usual.

Kokichi frowned and stuffed the recorder into his pocket. “Okay, how can we fix this…?” He mumbled.

“What do you mean, fix this?” 

My brain started to overload with stress.  _ Kokichi’s going to die and you’ll be framed and then someone will commit murder and you won’t be there to help them and then everyone’s going to die and - _

“Hey!” Kokichi’s loud exclamation knocked me out of my thoughts. “Stop that. I know that face. Don’t stress yourself too much. She knows now, so what? It was bound to happen eventually. And guess what? You stopped her from respawning Monokuma!” 

“B-But what if she -” 

“I’m not going anywhere, Shumai. Not unless it’s on my own terms. Unless, of course, someone shoots me with a poisonous arrow that leaves me no choice.” He shrugged. 

“Don’t joke about that. You probably won’t believe me, but I was - I was really sad when you died.” I lied. 

Kokichi rolled his eyes. “You can’t lie to a liar. I can tell you’re fibbing. Even if you weren’t exactly overjoyed when you thought I was dead, you’d never have the reaction you did when you thought you found Kaito’s body.” 

“Kokichi - “

“I don’t blame you, of course I don’t, I’m a horrible creature. But don’t try to give me hope and lie, because at that point, you’re just as bad as Shirogane and her despair.” 

“Kokichi - “

“Stop panicking. I’m fine, and you’re fine, and all of us are going to get out of here alive, ‘kay?” He took my jaw and forced me to look into his eyes. “We’ll all be okay, I can promise you that.” 

“You’re lying. Shirogane said there’s one person you don't plan to let leave. Who was it?” I demanded. “A-And don’t lie! Because I’ll know if you lie!” It was a lie, of course, Kokichi was a master in his craft, but I needed an answer. 

Kokichi sighed. “Yeah, guess you would, hm? Well, I’ll tell you this. It’s none of you, not even that bitch, Shirogane. Who does that leave?” 

_ He… _

“Kokichi…” The anger in my tone melted away. Kokichi smiled sheepishly at me. 

“It’s time for lunch. C’mon, emo.” He turned away and started to walk.

***

We walked back to my dorm room, and I took off my jacket, which left me in my white button-up. 

I felt bad for Kokichi, who was stuck in his complicated straight-jacket with all of those buckles and clasps. So bad, in fact, that I offered him one of the identical uniforms in my closet. 

Kokichi’s expression changed from confused, to surprised, to flustered, all in the span of around four seconds. 

“Uh - I - pardon?” He craned his neck to look up at me, and his cheeks were just barely dusted with a slight shade of pink. 

I couldn’t help the small smile that upturned my lips. 

“Your uniform looks uncomfortable to sleep in, or at least the shirt does. Would you like one of the button-ups I have to sleep in?”

Kokichi’s mouth stretched into a thin line, and he swallowed audibly. “U-Um, yeah, sure thing. Thanks…” I pulled down the button-up and put it into his hands. “I-I’ll um - I’ll go change.” 

With that, he ran off, presumably to his room. 

“So, we didn’t get to do that makeover yesterday!” Kaede said loudly. “Why don’t we do it tonight?!” 

“I’ll go get some curlers and makeup from my room!” Shirogane said excitedly. 

_ Oh hell no, not while Kokichi’s gone.  _

“Groups of four, remember?” I spoke up. Shirogane’s smile twitched, but she nodded. 

“Where is Kokichi?” Kiibo asked. 

“He went to change. I gave him one of my shirts because his was uncomfortable, er, it looked that way, I mean…” 

I saw Rantaro smirk in my peripheral vision. 

_ Hm… _

“That’s against the rules.” Shirogane frowned, her hands on her hips. I sighed. 

“He just went to change. He’ll be back in - “

“Sorry about breaking the rules, nishi. I’m back now.” Kokichi popped his head out through the door and waved. 

Shirogane scowled. “Where did you go that was so important?” She spat. Kaede looked at her in surprise. 

“He just got dressed, don’t you remember Saihara saying that?” Kaede said. 

Shirogane huffed. “Well he shouldn’t have broken the rules! He made them!” She ranted. Kokichi shrugged and walked in. 

“I said I was sorry, jeez. I literally just got changed. I was gone for two minutes at most.” 

I looked at him. 

_ Cute… _

My shirt went all the way down to his knees and the sleeves ended far, far past his hands. The shoulders dropped and wrinkled at his sides. 

I found myself flustered, but shook it off.   
Kokichi took one of the blankets that were messily strewn on the floor still, and walked over. He flopped down next to my bed. 

“Whatever. Who wants to come with me to get makeover supplies?” She asked. Kaede, Rantaro, and Kirumi volunteered to follow her. 

“Oh, hey, I’ll come too, ‘cause I’m gonna grab a notebook and a pen.” Kokichi shrugged, standing up. 

The five of them walked out of the room.

The rest of us waited in almost complete silence, other than Iruma shamelessly flirting with Kiibo, and Angie’s gleeful humming. 

A couple minutes later, they returned; Kokichi with his vibrant purple notebook and blue pencil, Shirogane with her bad attitude and makeover supplies, Rantaro with nail polish, and Kaede holding a palette of makeup. 

“Hello, hello! Welcome back!” Angie chirped. Kokichi waved with his big grin and skipped over to me. 

“She didn’t try anything, correct?” I whispered. Kokichi’s smirk looked slightly less forced. 

“Nope! Probably ‘cause Akamatsu, Mom, and Avocado-chan were there, nishishi!” I gave him a small smile. 

“I’m glad. I was a bit worried.” I rubbed the back of my neck sheepishly. “What’s the notebook for?” 

“My super dark secrets of course!” I stared at him, so he added, “It’s a journal, Shuichi.” His voice seemed to go from annoyingly happy to slightly sarcastic and tired.

“Ah, yeah, that makes sense.” I mumbled thoughtfully. I wondered about what he wrote in there. 

Did he lie to himself, just like he said in the past loop? Or was it the more raw, emotional side of him than he preferred not to show to us? My interest spiked, but I knew I probably wouldn’t get a clear answer if I asked. 

“I draw more than I write, honestly, but I had a couple stories in my last loop. I wanted to be an author when I was little, but that’s obviously not going to happen, not with what I call my spinny brain.” 

“Spinny brain…?” 

“I find it really hard to focus on things, or one thing at a time, rather. I also have trouble keeping still. I tend to multitask a lot, actually. Like, before we got here when I wrote or did art I’d watch YouTube in the background, or watch TV. If I didn’t I’d get pretty bored and I’d be all over the place. I also tend to ramble a lot, or my brain will get scrambled and I won’t remember what I’m talking about, or God forbid, one thing will connect to something else in my head and I’ll start talking about something completely different. It...sucks. A lot.” 

“Ah...I’m...sorry…” 

“Don’t be, it’s not your fault I have a spaghetti brain. Nishi, that’s what one of my teachers called it, but it was with fondness.” 

“Does that mean you’re having difficulty staying on task with finding a way out of here?” I wondered aloud. Kokichi shrugged.

“Yeah, kinda. I’m working on it, eheh…” He laughed nervously.

“Could I see one of your drawings? I saw your blueprints last loop, and they were drawn well. I’m interested in seeing the rest of your work.” I gave him a small encouraging smile. 

“Um, yeah, sure, just gimme a sec.” Kokichi flipped open his notebook and flitted through the pages. 

“Here ya go,” He shrugged, handing me the book. 

It was a drawing of me.

My cheeks faintly went red as I scanned the sketch. Dark jacket, long eye-lashes, slightly messy hair, faintly rosy cheeks, pale complexion, nervous smile, it was all there, down to a ti. It was shaded warmly, and I realized that there were specks of dust and debris added onto myself, and there was glass at my feet.

He’d drawn me escaping…

“This is...really good, Kokichi.” I mumbled, feeling a warm flush creeping onto my cheeks. 

Kokichi smiled. “I’m glad you think so, nee-heehee!” With that, the notebook was snatched out of my hands. 

“Do you guys want a makeover?” Kaede asked. I was about to decline, but Kokichi spoke up. 

“I’d love to, nishishi!”

_ Well, if Kokichi can do it, I can too.  _

“Ah - um, okay.” I agreed reluctantly. 

“Great! Here, we’re doing them over here!” She smiled and dragged us over the corner. 

I could remember when I was so easily enchanted by that smile. It was shiny, glittery, cheerful, and sweet. That was everything I wanted back then, even if the person wearing the smile was little other than that optimism. 

Don’t get me wrong, I loved Kaede’s optimism, but sometimes, I just wanted a change of pace. Her excitement also made me feel bad for not being that cheerful. Add that to the fact that she plotted a murder in front of me, and there wasn’t much trust there. 

I cared about her a lot, really, I did. She was my first, and possibly best, friend. However, I didn’t love her in a romantic way like I did in the last loop. 

“ _ Shuichi! _ ” I jolted, startled. Kaede laughed. “You really spaced out there!” She giggled. “You’re up first. Rantaro’s gonna do your nails, and then we’re gonna do whatever we can with your hair.” 

I nodded unsurely. 

Rantaro took my hand and looked through a whole  _ arsenal _ of nail polish. There had to be at least thirty bottles in front of him. 

“I think a blue or a yellow would go good with your look. I’d say a black to go with your style, but it wouldn’t look quite right. Is that alright?” 

“U-Um, yeah, sure.” Rantaro was really, really intimidating. 

He pulled out a light blue color and began brushing it onto my fingernails. 

As he started that, I felt something tugging through my hair. I looked behind me and saw that Kaede was running a brush through my blue locks. 

“Now, the question is, how do we style this…?” Kaede mumbled. “It’s too short to even put it up. I guess we just brush it…” 

When I turned to him, Kokichi looked like he was trying his best not to laugh. My confused look seemed to push it over for him, and he broke out into loud wheezes. 

“You look - you look so concerned!” He got out. Rantaro chuckled and nodded. 

“You’re acting like we’ve invited you for dinner and served you a goblet of blood. I assume you’ve never done this before."

It went on like that for about five more minutes. Casual chatting, Kokichi making dumb and sarcastic jokes, Kaede giggling and subtly flirting with Rantaro, it was as if we were normal teenagers at a sleepover. 

And just like that, they were done. 

I looked in the mirror. They hadn’t changed a whole lot, other than making my hair smoother and making my nails a light shade of blue. I looked slightly less tired though, so I guessed that was a plus. “Now, while we do Kokichi, you’re going to get your makeup done by Kirumi and Tsumugi.” 

“A-Ah, okay.” I smiled awkwardly and walked over to Shirogane and Kirumi-san. 

Kirumi-san turned my face up, facing it to the light. “Please sit still, Saihara-kun.” She said in her soft, calming voice. 

I found myself looking at Kokichi, and how his makeover was going. 

“Nishishi! That tickles, you idiot avocado!” He snickered. I assumed he was getting his nails painted. Kaede brushed through his unruly purple fluff and she giggled. 

“Your hair looks like it would be really tangled, but it’s actually quite smooth. How does that even work?” She asked curiously. 

“I brush my hair as a nervous tic. I get nervous a lot.” Kokichi grinned cautiously. The others probably didn’t notice, but I’d figured out that every time he told a truth, his shoulders tensed, and his eyes grew just a bit dimmer.

_ How hard is it for him to tell the truth?  _

“Ah, that makes sense.” Kaede responded. She continued to brush through his hair. 

Mascara stabbed into my left eye. 

“Wh-Ow!” I shouted.

“Oops!” Shirogane said, masking her voice with worry. “I’m sorry, I’m not used to doing makeup for other people…”

I sighed. “It’s...fine.” It really wasn’t, now my eye hurt, but I had to act normal. 

Kirumi wiped my eye with a cloth. “I will take over with Saihara-kun’s makeup. You may go, Shirogane-san.” She said coolly. Shirogane sighed. 

“Okay. If you need me, I’ll be right over in that corner…” She stalked away. 

I heard Kokichi start giggling again. “What are you doing, Akamatsu? You are severely concerning me.” He said. 

“You’ll see, you’ll see! Just lemme finish!!” Kaede scolded. Kokichi huffed impatiently, but also laughed as Kaede pulled out a rubber band. 

“Please turn your head this way.” Kirumi requested, although it sounded more like a demand. 

Slightly flustered, I turned my head in the direction Kirumi asked. She smiled softly. “Please close your eyes for a moment.” 

A couple minutes later, Kirumi made a noise of satisfaction. “That should be good. Would you like to take a look?” 

“Ah, um, yes please.” Kirumi handed me a mirror. 

She seemed to have given me mascara and pale blue eyeshadow. My cheeks involuntarily went red. I never was one for makeup, but I would admit that Kirumi had made it work. “Th-Thank you, Tojo-san.” Kirumi gave me a polite smile and nodded in acknowledgement. 

I walked over to my bed and thought about something to do. 

Korekiyo, Angie, Himiko, Tenko, and Ryoma were chatting. An unlikely group, but it was actually going well, or so it seemed. Tenko wasn’t threatening to throw anyone, at least. 

Shirogane was pouting in the corner and was messing with her Monopad, probably trying to come up with some sort of motive. Her bottom lip jutted out. 

Gonta, Miu, and Kiibo were talking about something - probably a vulgar subject, based on the shade of Kiibo’s cheeks. He was scolding her and covering Gonta’s ears.  _ Aw, that’s sort of sweet. _

Maki and Kaito were mumbling something in the corner. They must have made up. Not that I didn't’ expect them to, I’d seen their interactions first hand, after all. 

I just sat there awkwardly, tapping my fingers on my thighs.

Kaede seemed to have put Kokichi’s hair in a bun with a butterfly clip. He was giggling and teasing Rantaro about something. 

_ Hm, I seem to pay a lot of attention to Kokichi now, don’t I? _

Thinking about it, I always paid extra attention to him. He spiked my curiosity. 

A case near impossible to solve. It was interesting. How could a person be so untrusting, so paranoid, so terrified, hide it well enough to go unnoticed? 

I’d always thought he was more than he acted he was. 

But...I didn’t show that after the fourth trial. 

_ I need to stop thinking about that. I need to put that behind me. It will be better for Kokichi’s and I’s mental health if I just try to forget about it. I’ve apologized. _

_ I won’t let him be alone again.  _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this chapter was short!! School's a jerk.


	6. Dense. (Chapter 5)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kokichi and Shuichi got in a fight :(  
> And Shuichi is friggin dense.

I leaned my head against my pillows. I was tired, but only a superficial type of tired, the kind where your eyelids are heavy, but not enough to droop.

A memory hit me like a truck. 

_ _____ smiled at me. “You know that t-type of tired, where you’re not quite sleepy enough to go to sleep, but you just wanna shut y-your eyes?” He stuttered. I smiled back at him.  _

_ I learned something. _____ was beautiful when he truly grinned. _

The memory didn’t feel like any of my normal ones, like the ones with my uncle, or my first case, which were shimmery, glittery in a way. 

This one felt more - what was the way to explain it? Hard? Bad? Rough?  _ Why does that order sound familiar?  _ I mused. 

I shrugged and placed my arms behind my head. 

I felt calmer than I had in a while. It was a warm, floaty feeling.  _ All of my friends are safe. We’ll all be okay. We’ll find a way out of here soon. Kokichi isn’t mean anymore. No one is fighting.  _

_ My life is...peaceful.  _

_ No one will hurt each other anymore.  _

_ It will all be alright.  _

_ We will get a happy ending. _

I let out a small, content sigh. 

That didn’t last long. 

_ “SHUICHIIII!” _

I screamed as Kokichi jumped on top of me.  _ “Doof!” _ I grunted when he made impact. 

“The hell, Kokichi!?” I shoved him off, which only made him laugh more. “Why!? Ju - I - Why though!?”

Kokichi flicked my nose and stuck out his tongue. When he finally stopped laughing, he said, “‘Cause of the look on your face! That was the best!” He wheezed. “I knew you’d do something cute, the biggest question was what?” 

A dark shade of red creeped onto my face, and I tried to sputter out words in the form of a sentence, but all that came out was unnatural gibberish. 

“J-J-Just get off me.” I finally got out, shoving my hands further over my face to try and hide the ever-growing flush that seemed to get brighter by the second. 

“Nishishi, okayyyyy. Do you wanna see what Mom-chan Kayayday, and Avocado-ass did to me?” He asked as he climbed off of me. 

‘U-Uh, yeah, sure.” I squeaked. 

When I looked, he gave me his signature Cheshire-like grin. 

His hair was tied up in a bun, so there wasn’t any hair in his face. He wore gaudy purple lipstick and eyeshadow, and his nails were a deep shade of violet. 

I hoped he couldn’t hear the pounding in my chest. 

_ Do I…? No, that’s ridiculous. I don’t like him that way. I just think he looks nice, that’s all. It’s just that dumb bi side of me that’s doing this. I don’t have a crush on Kokichi. That would never happen.  _

Kokichi giggled. “I knew you’d do something cute.” He repeated, before hopping off of the bed and picking up the notebook, most likely signifying that this - was it really a conversation? Whatever it was, it meant that he didn’t feel like talking anymore. 

I tried desperately to wipe the undoubtedly crimson color off of my face, but it didn’t feel like going away anytime soon, it seemed.

With a half-annoyed, half resigned sigh, I rested my eyes again. 

“Don’t go to sleep, Shumai, we’re first guard, remember?” Kokichi spoke up a couple minutes later. 

“I know. I’m just resting my eyes.” Kokichi snorted. 

“Well, don’t be surprised to me doing something dumb to wake you up once you fall asleeeep!” He dragged out the word playfully, and I just rolled my eyes beneath their lids. 

~~~

I hummed and tapped the pencil against the crisp white paper of my notebook. Art and writer’s block were currently hitting hard. 

Although idea-less days weren’t new to me, I usually had something to do to regain something to draw. Theoretically, I could draw one of the people in this room, but…

_ Eh, fuck it, I’ll draw someone here.  _

I decided on Rantaro, considering I had a basic picture of him in my mind, so I wouldn’t have to stare at him creepily. 

Sketchy lines made faint noises as I scratched the pencil across the page. The faint smell of lead wafted up my nose. I almost wanted to sneeze. I preferred mechanical pencils, even though wooden ones were better for drawing. There weren’t any in the warehouse, though, so I was stuck with this. 

Big, expression-filled eyes and small, button noses marked my artstyle. I used to have a Tumblr and an Instagram before I was dragged here, at least in my memories. 

Memories…

On the one hand, I wished I could have my real memories back. The thought of having actual people waiting for me could probably motivate me. On the other, I was afraid that I’d have no one, and that there would be no reason for me to leave this place alive. 

I tapped my pencil again, staring at the sketch, and I dropped my pencil. 

No one seemed to be sleeping yet, like they were last night. Kaede, Big Brother, and Kirumi were still giving makeovers. It looked like it was raising the spirits of just about everyone but Shirogane, who continued to pout in the corner. 

Except for Shuichi, that is. 

His hair was messy, covering his eyes, and he was letting out soft snores.  _ Cute _ . I thought. 

No one was watching, so I ever-so-gently moved his hair away from his nose and hid it behind his ear. He stirred, just a little, so I quickly pulled my hand back and turned to the notebook. 

I sighed and moved the notebook before I laid my head down on the carpet. Not to sleep, just to rest my neck. 

A calm feeling fluttered in my chest. Warm, comfortable. It was...nice.

“And that’s it for tonight!” Kaede said excitedly, snapping me out of it. “Does anyone else need a makeover?” No one replied. 

“I think it’s probably time for bed then, eh?” Rantaro stated. I got up from the ground. 

“Yup. I’ll wake up Shu.” 

“Shu, huh? Nicknames already? Sounds like they’re fuckin’ to me!” Iruma snickered. I rolled my eyes. 

“Quiet, skank.” 

“Sk-Skank?!” She moaned. I stuck out my tongue and went to wake up my partner. 

I moved his hair out of his face and booped his nose, a giggle escaping my lips. His nose scrunched up, and he twitched in his sleep. I booped it again and he grunted something beneath his breath. 

I poked his cheek, and he muttered something tiredly. 

_ Poke. _

_ Mumble mumble.  _

_ Poke.  _

_ Mumble mumble.  _

_ Poke.  _

_ Mumble mumble.  _

_ Poke. _

He grabbed my hand and sighed sleepily while he tugged it to himself. I was barely able to make out what he said.  _ “Stoppp...Five more minutes…” _

“Shuichi, it’s our shift.” I tried to pull my hand away, but he just continued to hold it.

_ “Mnnnn, nooooo. Just gimme...another hour…”  _ He slurred. 

“Shuichi. Gimme my hand and get up.” I said dryly. He huffed and puffed out his cheeks, staying exactly where he was. 

_ “Nah...Lemme sleep…”  _

“I literally told you to stay awake. Do not make me wake you up forcefully.” I warned. 

_ “Mmmm, gimme your worst and we’ll see.”  _

“You asked for it.” I smirked and pressed my lips to his ear, feeling a shiver go through him. 

I screamed. 

Shuichi shot up, cradling his ear. “Owwwww! What the hell, Kokichi?! My ear is  _ ringing. _ ” He complained. I laughed. 

“You said to give you my worst. So I did!”

“I - You know what, I should have expected that.” He grumbled. “My ear  _ hurts. _ I got used to you being quieter, and you do this to me.” 

That was about when I realized how quiet the room was. 

Kaede burst out in snickers. “You guys fight like a couple!” She laughed. 

“Wait, so they’re not together?” Himiko asked, genuinely confused. 

Iruma sighed and handed Kiibo some Monocoins. “Hey, this is missing thirty.” He pointed out. She groaned and handed him some more. 

“Wh-Wh - I’m sorry,  _ what _ ?!” Shuichi’s ear pain seemed to magically go away. His cheeks flared up to a dangerous hue of red. 

I could feel my own cheeks going hot, and I shoved my hands over my cheeks. “Shut up. We’re not a couple, you idiots.” 

“Oohhhh, the supreme leader is blushing…” Rantaro teased. 

“Shut up, Avocado-ass!” I shouted, which only made him laugh more. 

I heard Harukawa sigh and pass Kaito some Monocoins. 

“M-Maki!?” Shuichi yelled in both surprise and embarrassment. 

“You two act like you’re married. That’s the only reason.” She hissed. 

“I-I don’t even understand...Why do you think we act like we’re together??” He asked. 

“You’re always at each other’s rooms.” Kaede grinned. 

“You’re always together someway or another.” Kiibo added. 

“You call each other partners.” Rantaro smirked. 

“You two mention each other in passing conversation.” Maki mumbled. 

“Shuichi always looks deep in thought around Kokichi.” Kaito stated. 

“Kokichi is noticeably more gentle with Shuichi.” Korekiyo spoke. 

“Kokichi sleeps right next to Shuichi’s bed.” Himiko said. 

“The other day, Kokichi had the face of pure gay panic. I am an expert on this, Kokichi, do not try to deny it, male.” Tenko sent a playful glare to me. 

“Shuichi is a literal fucking apple at the moment.” Iruma pointed lazily at Shuichi.

“Kokichi is on the level of a strawberry, and he does not blush, like, ever.” Ryoma pointed out. 

“Shuichi is constantly in a state of bi distress, by the way.” Tenko said. 

“Kokichi - “

“Alright, alright, j-j-just please be quiet n-now!” Shuichi finally spoke up. 

I swallowed and tried desperately to force the color off of my face. 

“Kokichi is fucking wearing your shirt right now, Saihara.” Rantaro snickered. 

Aaaand, the color was back. 

“Sh-Shut up!” I flipped Rantaro the bird and stormed over to the door to bury my face into my knees.

Shuichi slowly followed. 

“Haha, the virgin’s gonna cheer up his boyfriend!” Iruma teased. 

“Go to bed!” Shuichi shot back and scooted away from me. 

Iruma just snickered. 

***

“Hey, Kokichi…?” Shuichi asked later, when everyone was asleep. 

“U-uh, yeah?” 

“What was Tenko talking about earlier? With the gay panic or whatever?” 

_ Shit, come up with an excuse.  _

“She was wrong, I’m pan.” I replied, trying to dodge the question. 

“But who was it for?” He persisted. 

“Uhm - uh - er - “  _ Come on come on come on -  _

“Kiibo. It was for Kiibo. He’s cool.” I lied. 

_ No more pointless lies. _

_ But it’s for a good cause. I need to protect myself from rejection. _

“Ah…” Shuichi mumbled. “You’re interested in him?” He asked. 

“Uh, yeah, kinda.” I lied again. 

“Okay...Good - good...ah...good luck with him.” If my mind wasn’t playing tricks on me, I noticed just the slightest bit of...was that disappointment…?  _ No, that’s just wishful thinking.  _

“Yeah, thanks. I don’t know when I’ll ask him out or whatever.” I scratched the back of my neck, trying to look sheepish.

“...ah…good luck with um...that…” Shuichi scooted away a bit more. 

“Are  _ you _ into someone? Kaede maybe?” I know Rantaro already answered that for me, but I wanted a straight answer from Shuichi.

“Oh, no way.” Shuichi laughed, though for some reason, it sounded slightly strained. “I had feelings for her last loop, but I realized that beyond her optimism, there’s not much to her. She’s still my best friend, of course she is, I love her in a platonic way, but I feel like if I was in a relationship with her that I’d feel bad for not being as happy as her.” He rambled. “Besides, she and Amami are definitely going to be a power couple.” 

“Yeah, that makes sense. Rantaro is really into her.” I said. Shuichi nodded. 

“I thought so. He acts differently around her, more...laid back. She’s the same way. Did you see her flirting earlier?” I giggled. 

“How could I not? Rantaro is almost as dense as you!” I said. 

“What do you mean by that?” 

“Uh - nevermind.”  _ Another slip-up… _

“No, I’m curious now.” 

“Last loop I had a huge crush on you. I don’t anymore.” I lied again. “Seriously, I called you ‘beloved detective’. I acted differently when you were around. I masked a confession before Gonta...was...Before I um…” I bit my thumb and moved on. “I literally told you, and I quote, I stole your heart, so now I’m satisfied.” 

Shuichi seemed to be taking this all in. “I...thought you were just teasing me…” He hummed. “Huh, I really was dense, wasn’t I?” 

“That, you were.” 

We slipped into an awkward silence. Shuichi seemed to be thinking about something, and he clutched his hand to the area his heart would be. 

I fiddled with my thumbs.

“You said you didn’t have a crush on me anymore, why is that?” 

_ Shuichi, why must you be so bad at social cues sometimes? _

I choked on my spit and my cheeks went red. “K-Kokichi! Uh - What - “ 

“I-I’m f-fine.” I finished coughing. “U-Uhm - I dunno, I just - d-don't like you in that way anymore.” Shuichi hummed and seemingly went back into thinking. 

I curled into a ball.  _ This is a really, really big mess. How the hell did I get myself into this? _ I wondered. 

_ It looked like Shuichi was disappointed earlier...Wishful thinking, probably. Or maybe he’s into Kiibo. Two innocent people together. That would make sense.  _ A sigh escaped my lips. 

_ I can’t say it ever, now. That’s...I don’t deserve him anyways. He deserves so much better than me.  _

_ Since I can’t say it aloud, I’ll...Fantasize. I feel like some sort of fanfic writer.  _ I chuckled mentally. 

I shut my eyes and sunk into a small train of thought. 

_ “Hey, Shumai!”  _

_ “Yes?”  _

_ “I love you!!” _

_ “Go fuck yourself Kokichi. I hate you.”  _

Alright, it doesn’t even work out in my thoughts, cool. 

I bit the inside of my cheek.  _ He deserves better than me. No one deserves an annoying liar. I’d just drag him down. I’m a weak, pathetic creature. A mistake for a human. No one actually likes me. They’d rather be around each other than me. They’d rather jump off a cliff than be around me. _

I realized my sleeve was growing wet. 

_ Fuck, I’m crying… _

As quickly as possible, I wiped my eyes and checked what time it was. “It’s the end of our shift.” My voice cracked, and I let out a stream of curses in my mind. 

“Um, are you alright?” He asked softly. 

_ Why, oh why am I such a goner for Shuichi Saihara? _

My heart rate sped up. “Yep! Totally great!” I forced a realistic smile and ran over to Rantaro to wake him up. “Hey, it’s your shift.” I whispered, letting my smile drop. Rantaro blinked groggily and nodded. “Good luck with Kaede.” I winked. 

Rantaro flicked my forehead and dragged himself into a sitting position. “Good luck with Shuichi.” 

“Shut up.” I grumbled and walked over to my area. 

I scooched as far away from Shuichi without bumping my head on the desk. Curling into a ball, I let myself become uncomposed for just a moment. 

My eyes burned, and I heaved out the smallest, quietest wail I could. It all hurt, it all just hurt so badly. 

_ Come on, think of something else, anything else. _

I fell into some memories of my father, even though he wasn’t quite real. 

_ My eyes wandered in wonder around the beautiful lights. My dad pulled me around, speaking with old friends and waving at shopkeepers. I spoke in broken French, but they seemed to understand the gist of what I was saying.  _

_ I vaguely understood the conversations around me, though there were a couple words I didn’t quite understand. That was alright though. _

_ I waved enthusiastically to the man at the bakery. My favorite bakery. My dad ran it, after all.  _

_ The man in the shop was my best friend, though we weren’t very close in age. “Bonjour, Bailey!!” I exclaimed.  _

_ He just smiled and gave me a polite nod.  _

_ Daddy took me home. “So, you want to play some video games?” I practically hopped up and down in excitement.  _

_ “Nishishi, yeah!!” We sat down in front of the TV, and Daddy turned on the Gamecube. He handed me a controller and turned on Animal Crossing.  _

_ About an hour later, it was nine-thirty, time for bed. Daddy picked me up, spun me around, which made me giggle, and carried me on my back to my bedroom.  _

_ He tucked the covers up to my chin and kissed me on the forehead. “Goodnight, Ko. I love you.”  _

_ “Love you too, Dad.” I smiled brightly at him and he ruffled my hair.  _

_ “You have to go home tomorrow, so you’ll have to pack your bag. I’ll help you.” I frowned.  _

_ “Can’t I stay here? Mommy doesn’t like me…”  _

_ “I’m afraid not, kiddo, but don’t worry, I’ll bring you back for Christmas break, okay?” I sighed and nodded. “You’re gonna do great things someday, bud. I’m proud of you.”  _

_ “Thanks, Daddy. Goodnight…”  _

_ “Goodnight, Ko.”  _

I opened my eyes, and everyone was up and moving.  _ Oh...I must’ve gone to sleep. _

The warm feeling in my chest from my dream was gone, but I could still practically smell my Dad’s aftershave, and feel his hands beneath my arms, spinning me around in the air. 

I missed him. 

_ Do I really need to get up…? _

_ There’s no reason to. No one wants me there anyway. _

_ I’m not hungry.  _

_ I’m tired.  _

_ I don’t want to go to breakfast.  _

_ I don’t want Shuichi to stare at me.  _

_ I don’t want them to look at my ugly face.  _

I pulled the blanket over my head and curled further into the fetal position. Maybe they’d leave me alone. 

My stomach hurt. 

“Kokichi…?” His voice came out muffled. Kiibo. 

“Kokichi isn't here, he’s in blanket town. Try again later.” I mumbled.

“Kokichi, please come out. It’s time for breakfast.” I sighed and peeked over the blanket.

“Do I have to?” Kiibo stared at me. 

“Yes.”

I groaned and pulled myself out of my cocoon and saw that there was no one left in the room. Not even Shuichi was there. 

“Come on, you’re already running late.” He took my hand and began to drag me to the dining hall. 

I just let him. No point in fighting, right? 

The dining hall was abuzz with talking. Shuichi, Kaede, Rantaro, Harukawa, and Kaito were in a conversation. They seemed to be the most...was popular the word? In our group. 

I sat down by Ryoma. “Sup.” I said, to my fellow loner, while Kiibo went to the more popular area.

The section I was sitting in was with Ryoma, Korekiyo, Kirumi, and Tenko. 

“Hey.” Ryoma said. 

“Hello.” Korekiyo mused. 

“Tenko greets you!” 

“Greetings, Ouma-kun.” Kirumi took a sip of her water. 

“So!!! Shuichi said you’re - “ Korekiyo shot her a look, and she quieted down, bringing her voice down to a whisper. “Shuichi said you’re into Kiibo.” 

I bit my bottom lip. “That was a lie. He asked me last night, which kinda put me on the spot.” 

I knew they wouldn’t spill. Ryoma didn’t talk to really anyone, people tended to avoid Korekiyo, Kirumi was trustworthy, and Tenko didn’t like talking to guys all that much. 

“So you admit it? It was quite obvious.” Kirumi asked curiously.

“Admit what?” 

“That you are interested romantically in Saihara-kun.” 

My cheeks pinkened. “Uhm...yeah, kinda…” I mumbled, barely audible.

“I KNEW IT!!!!” I winced at Tenko’s loud volume.

She gained glances from everyone, which, in turn, brought their gazes to all of us. “What are you degenerates looking at!? And the girls!”

Away went the eyes. 

Shuichi, however, continued to look curiously. 

_ Whyyyyyy…  _ I complained internally. 

Something Rantaro said seemed to catch his attention, though, so he turned to him.

“Shuichi was planning on waking you up this morning, but randomly changed his mind and had Kiibo do it. I had thought of that as weird.” Commented Kirumi.

“So, when are you gonna confess to him?” Tenko asked curiously. 

I was surprised that Tenko was so comfortable around me. She hated guys, or so I thought. 

“I - um - I’m not planning on it…” I scratched the back of my neck. 

“Why?” Ryoma chimed in. 

“Because he doesn’t like me in that way…? That’s pretty obvious.” I said, knitting my hands beneath my chin. 

Ryoma groaned. “Saihara was quiet all this morning. He is always quiet, although more so than usual. He almost seemed sad. I believe this is in response to you telling him you are interested in Kiibo.” Kirumi stated. 

“Yeah! He was super down in the dumps!” Tenko added. Also, he was saving a seat for you! He made my beloved Himiko sit by Angie instead of him!”

“He was looking at you this morning, while you were sleeping. Not in a creepy way. More of a…” Ryoma paused. “He looked at you the way I looked at my girlfriend, before…” Ryoma trailed off. 

“Humans are...interesting. They all show love in different ways. Saihara, it seems, shows his in longful gazes, flusteredness, comforting, and increased contact. These things apply to you.” Korekiyo said. 

“He doesn’t like me. If he did, I’d know by now. He’s not good at keeping secrets, and I’m good at seeing lies.” I responded, stamping out that dumb hope that flickered in my chest. 

“Perhaps he doesn’t know about it himself, yet.” Korekiyo replied. 

~~~

Why the hell did my heart hurt?

It had started last night, when Kokichi said he liked Kiibo. I should have been supportive, I should have been happy for him. 

But it just made my stomach hurt, and I got heartburn.

Watching Kokichi walk in with Kiibo send a dull throb through my chest. What was this? Why did my heart sink when Kokichi sat by Kirumi, Ryoma, Korekiyo, and Tenko instead of the seat I was saving for him? 

I sighed and laid my head on the table, pushing away my tray. 

“What’s wrong, sidekick? You’ve been down all day.” Kaito said. I shrugged and pressed my cheek to the cool granite. 

“Did you and Kokichi fight last night or something?” Rantaro challenged. 

“Wh - no…” I lied. “Why would you think that?” 

“You were looking at Kokichi weirdly this morning.” Rantaro smirked. 

“I-I don’t know what you’re talking about.” I mumbled, knowing exactly what he was talking about. 

In my defense, Kokichi just happens to look cute when he sleeps. Wait, that sounded creepy - 

Seeing him peaceful, without nightmares, was...nice. He didn’t get enough sleep. And for some reason, I just couldn’t...look...away…

“You stared at him for like five minutes straight.” Kaede spoke up. “I had to snap my fingers in your face to get your attention. And you were blushing. A lot.” 

I hummed. “I wasn’t looking at him. I was looking at his blanket.” I lied.

_ Wow, I  _ really _ suck at lying. _

“You were blushing...at a blanket.” Kaede badly stifled a laugh. 

“Shut it.” I mumbled, my cheeks going red. 

Himiko said, “I could make a love potion for you.” 

“I don’t love Kokichi. I don’t know why you think that.” I muttered annoyedly. It was the truth. I didn’t like him that way. I just found him cute sometimes. And pretty. That was normal. 

...right?

Yeah, of course I was right. 

Rantaro whistled. “You sure are dense.” He grinned. To my surprise, my friends murmured their agreements. 

“I beg your pardon?” I said. 

Kiibo rolled his eyes. “What he is saying is - “

“You’re pining idiots that just need to fuck already.” Miu finished for him. 

“Yes, minus the vulgarities.” Kiibo replied. 

“I - nevermind, I honestly give up.” I huffed. 

My friends continued to chat until we finished. I stood up just in time to see Kokichi dart out of the room. 

With his tray completely filled. 

I groaned. 

_ He needs to eat… _ I thought. With that in mind, I walked after him. 

“Kokichi.” He froze, and his shoulders tensed. “You need to eat to keep yourself healthy.” I said firmly. 

“Not hungry.” He said curtly and walked forward.

“Kokichi, it doesn’t matter if you’re not hungry, what matters is that you need to eat.” I snapped. 

“I don’t need to eat, because I’m not hungry.” He shrugged and continued forwards. Frustrated, I followed him and grabbed his shoulder. 

He leaped up and fell backwards with a yelp. Immediately, I felt guilty. His eyes were wild, and his breaths were coming shallowly. 

“Ko-Kokichi, I’m really sorry, I - “   
“...it’s fine…” He whispered, his jaw trembling. 

“It’s not, I shouldn’t have - “

“I told you, it’s alright. Go hang out with your friends. I’m going to go back to working.” 

“Kokichi, wait.” I took a deep breath. 

“I’ve been thinking about this for a while. There isn’t much left out there. We don’t have anyone to go home to. So what if we stay here for a while? If we can prevent people from killing, is...getting out really worth it?”

Kokichi’s breath hitched. 

He turned around. 

“That’s stupid and you know it, Shuichi. It doesn’t matter if we don’t have anyone to go home to. We’ll make something to go home to. If we don’t leave here, something bad is bound to happen. What do you think Monokuma is going to do once he comes back?! Let us all be fucking peachy?!”

“He won’t come back, we’ll prevent - “

“We can’t watch the mastermind twenty-four seven! You’re stupid for thinking that! We can’t stay in this hellhole! Look at yourself! You’re giving them exactly what they want!”

“If not going into despair is what they want, then yeah, I’ll do what they want!”

“That’s not what they want! What they want is for us to give up! If we don’t get out here soon, then someone will die!”

“They won’t! We’ll make sure they won’t!”  
“You can’t be that sure!”

“We’ll keep an eye on everyone!”

“What are we going to do if the food runs out!? What are we going to do if everything goes to shit?!”  
“That won’t happen, you’ve seen the warehouse!”

“You know what, Shuichi, you’re being really fucking insensitive right now! Do you  _ know _ how hard it is to walk around here and think about every single thing I’ve done?! You're not plagued with memories at every step!”

“I have to deal with everything I did to the blackened every day of my life! Do you think I  _ wanted  _ to kill Kaede without her doing anything!? No! You’re the one being stupid here!”

“ALL I SEE ARE CORPSES, SAIHARA! EVERY FUCKING TIME I LOOK AT MIU, GONTA, OR KAITO, I SEE THEM DYING!! DO YOU THINK I WANT TO LIVE IN A PLACE WHERE I NEVER GET A BREAK FROM REMEMBERING EVERYTHING HORRIBLE I’VE DONE TO THE PEOPLE I SEE AS FRIENDS?!”

“I SEE THE EXECUTIONS ALL THE TIME - “ 

“I CAN’T FUCKING LOOK AT THE COLOR PINK WITHOUT WANTING TO THROW UP! I CAN’T BE HUGGED WITHOUT BEING BACK IN THAT PRESS, YOU KNOW THAT?! I CAN’T BREATHE AT NIGHT BECAUSE OF ALL OF THE NIGHT TERRORS!! 

I realized that Kokichi was crying, sobbing even. He looked awful. There was snot coming from his nose, his face was red from screaming, his cheeks were shiny with tears, and there was a mix of trauma, anger, and remorse in his eyes. 

_ I yelled at him again. I hurt him again.  _

“Kokichi…” I whispered. 

“S-sh-shut up. I don’t want to hear anything you want to tell me anymore. Just l-leave m-me alone like everyone did last time.” 

“Kokichi, wait.” I said sternly. 

“I-I-I’m sorry for snapping at you. That was really uncalled for. I wasn’t thinking about you, because even though I - I saw the executions, you did too, and - and I can’t imagine r-reliving your own death…” I wiped my burning eyes and reached a hand out. 

“We’ll find a way out of here. I promise.” 

Kokichi wiped away the glimmery wetness on his cheeks and tried to compose himself.

“I was the one th-that instigated it…’m sorry…” He shook my hand firmly. 

“Are we good…?” I asked cautiously. He laughed softly, a beautiful sound, really. 

“Yeah...We’re good.” He smiled. 

“Awww, I love it when couples make up, nyah hah!”

I turned around and saw that Angie, Tenko, Himiko, Rantaro, Kaede, Kiibo, and Kaito were standing there, just staring. 

Kokichi’s cheeks went red, and instead of responding, he just ran. 

“We-We’re not a couple!!” I defended myself. 

“Dense.” Kaito rolled his eyes.

“I am not dense! Why does everyone keep saying that?” Rantaro chuckled. 

“You’ll have to wait for him to tell you to find out.” He winked. 

“Now, go get your boyfriend and have makeup cuddles.” Kiibo smiled. 

“He is not - you know what, whatever.” I huffed and walked down the hall. 

_ Cuddles wouldn’t be so bad, though... _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *slaps roof of chapter*  
> This baby can fit so much pining and density in it.


	7. Cuddles and Discarded Scarves (Chapter 7)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cuddles fluff :3  
> And Shuichi and Kokichi being dense idiots. As usual.  
> Also, starting off the friendship with Kokichi and Kiibo! I honestly live for platonic Kiibouma
> 
> Also!! TW for self-inflicted harm scars. Just a mention and a slight description of them, but if this makes you uncomfortable, this chapter is not for you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Accidental flirt Shuichi feeds my empty soul

I got a knock on my door as I continued to try and force the hue from my face. It was stupid, how flustered I could get. Annoying too, especially when my blushes took forever to fade. 

“Don’t come in, I’m committing murder. I’ll see you later when the body is hidden.” I called. I tried to bury my face in my scarf, but remembered that I was wearing Shuichi’s shirt. 

That didn’t help my red face. 

I heard Shuichi chuckle on the other side. 

_ Fuck. Of all people.  _

“I think we both know that’s not what you’re doing, Ko.” 

_ SHIT - I’M SUPPOSED TO BE THE NICKNAME PERSON! _

I buried my face in my pillow. “I’m more complex than you think.” I responded. Shuichi hummed. 

“Well, I’d like to understand you better, so that shouldn’t be a problem.” 

_ Fucking tease, leading me on this way. _ I thought, putting the pillow over my head. 

“Welp, I’m still not opening the door.” My voice came, albeit muffled. 

_ Click. _

“You don’t need to, you didn’t lock it.” Shuichi sat down on the bed.

“That was on purpose. Maybe I wanted you to chase me.” I smirked. I could practically feel his flush from here. It would go away in about three minutes though, because he’s lucky that way. 

“Liar.” He replied, laying down next to me. 

“If you’re here to apologize, I genuinely do not care, it’s fine.” I mumbled. 

“Maybe I’m just here for cuddles.” His tone mimicked mine from earlier.

“Do you do that on purpose?” I whined. 

“Do what?” His voice was genuinely curious, and I felt him shift his position on the bed. I almost made the mistake of taking my face out of the pillow. 

“You’re flirting. Do you mean to do that?” 

“I-I-I - what? I’m not flirting!”

“You just talked in a seductive voice, my dude.” Again, I could feel the heat exploding on his face from here. 

“You found my voice seductive?” It sent a shiver down my spine. 

_ Or maybe not... _

“I - no, you idiot, your tone.” I grumbled. 

“Ah…” He shifted his position on the bed once again, and I felt him scoot closer to me. “Well, no, I don’t mean to come off as if I’m flirting.” He responded. 

“But for the record, I came here for cuddles because I’m a-ah...touch-starved…” He said, embarrassment twinging his tone. 

“And you came to me, why?” 

“...because you’re the only one who understands my touch-starvedness…” He mumbles. “Besides...you’re small…”

I huffed. 

“Fine...Go ahead.” 

He wrapped his long arms around my small frame and pulled me close to him. I couldn’t help but let out a small sigh of satisfaction.

He was warm. And comfy. And his arms were soft. And I was also touch-starved. 

He rested his head on my shoulder and seemingly shut his eyes. I was positive he could feel the heat radiating off of my cheeks. 

I could fall asleep right here. It was comfortable, and warm, and safe, and peaceful, and there weren’t problems to worry over. 

It felt like home…

I let my eyes fall closed and let Shuichi’s soft and calm breaths lull me into a sense of security. 

_ I can trust him. _

A part of my heart wanted me to tell him right now. It would be so easy. Just a hushed,  _ ‘I love you…’ _

But the other, much bigger part said he deserved so much better than me. Someone happy, who wasn’t depressed and tired all the time. Someone kind, who his friends would approve of. 

Anyone but me.

I blinked away the burn behind my eyes and realized that Shuichi was asleep. I turned around to look at him. 

His hair was messy again, somehow. His cheeks were rosy. Small whispers of breath escaped his lips. His mouth was curved into a tiny smile. 

I pressed a quiet kiss to my fingers and pressed them onto his forehead. 

He stirred, just a bit, before his expression smoothed out again. 

I pushed his hair out of his eyes, and his arms around me tightened. 

_ “Mnnnn, lemme sleep…”  _

“You go to sleep pretty easily, don’t you?” I teased. He huffed.

_ “‘M tired...be a good cuddle-buddy and...be quiet…” _ He complained.

“More like pillow.” I continued. Shuichi let out a quiet whine. 

_ “You already woke me up last night...sh. Just lemme cuddle you and be shup.”  _

“Be shup, eh?” 

He pushed his finger over my lips in a shushing motion, and I nearly melted. 

_ “Thas better…”  _

“You’re sassy while you're tired.” I got out. Shuichi chuckled. 

_ “Yeah, well, you’re warm and comfy and disturbing the peace. ‘M a police officer, technically, an’ I sentence you to silence while you’re my pillow.”  _

I giggled and finally shut my mouth. 

“Sleep good, beloved.” I whispered. 

_ “You too, Ki.” _

~~~

_ “Hey, Kokichi…” I said tiredly, plopping down on the bed next to him. He giggled and wrapped his arms around me.  _

_ He planted a chaste kiss on my lips, and I grew lightheaded.  _

_ “What did I do to deserve you?” I whispered, pulling him closer to me. Kokichi smiled and placed his head beneath my chin.  _

_ “How was work today, dear?”  _

_ “Long…” I sighed. Kokichi hummed.  _

_ “Well...can I kiss it better?”  _

_ “Yeah, that’ll make it better, I’ll bet.” I replied. He pressed his lips to mine again.  _

_ “I love you.” He breathed across my mouth. I put my hand on the small of his back and responded, _

_ “I love you too, so much… “ _

I woke up and screamed. 

“What...the fuck...was that…?!” 

“Uh, Shuichi, the hell? I was sleeping, y’know.” 

Annnd I screamed again. 

“ _ wHY THE HELL AM I IN YOUR BED!?” _

“You came in here earlier asking for cuddles…?”

“Oh…” 

Kokichi laughed. “You’re sassy when you’re tired, y’know that?”

“Yeah, people have told me that…” I rubbed the back of my neck sheepishly.

“For the record, you’re really comfy. We should do that again sometime, minus the screaming.” 

“I could...say the same…” I mumbled, feeling my cheeks flush. 

“Aaaaanyways, we should get to lunch, hm?” He took my hand and pulled me out of bed. “Go smooth down your hair so Iruma doesn’t think we fucked. See ya there!” With that, he skipped out of the dorm room.

I found a brush on Kokichi’s table and quickly tamed my hair. 

I decided I’d look around Kokichi’s room a bit before going to lunch. He wouldn’t mind. We were partners, after all. 

He seemed to have put things on his whiteboard now, so I walked over there and took a quick look.

There was a big diagram, a map of the school, in which he pointed out possible exits and mastermind hotspots. Nothing super interesting there. 

I moved to his desk and found a notebook I hadn’t seen before. Upon opening it, I found a title saying ‘Future Couples. (So I can say I called it)’. 

Curious, I began looking through there. 

_ Rantaro and Kaede, makes sense. Kiibo and Iruma, yeah, probably...Tenko and Himiko...Maki and Kaito, definitely...Hm, what’s this? _

One of the couples was completely scratched out in tomato-red ink, to the point of excessiveness. 

_ Hm, I could shade the next page… _

I took a pencil and gently shaded the next page, but just as I was getting to the point where it was beginning to be decipherable, I was cut off. 

“Shuichi, why the fuck are you going through my room?” 

“A-ah, I j-just wanted to look over what you have so far…” I sputtered. “S-Sorry…” 

“You couldn’t have asked me first? Besides, I’ve pretty much shown you everything. Why the hell are you going through one of my notebooks?” 

“...I don’t know…” I shamefully said. 

Kokichi sighed. “Whatever. C’mon.”

The dream came back full force as Kokichi grabbed my hand, and I felt like I was going to pass out for a moment. 

I quickly pulled it away and tried to cover up my face. Kokichi looked back at me inquisitively. 

“Uh...You good over there, buddy?” 

My face was on fire, my head hurt, my heart was pounding out my chest, and my knees felt like they’d collapse. 

“I-I-I just n-need to si-sit do-down…” I dropped myself onto the bed and put my head into my knees. 

“Shuichi, seriously, what happened?” He sat down next to me, and I flinched. 

“H-Hey, did I hurt you or something? How can I make it up to you?” He genuinely sounded scared, which made me feel bad. 

“N-N-No, I’m f-fine. J-Just give me a moment…” I squeaked. 

“Shuichi, look at me, and do not lie. What happened?” I peeked over my hand and saw him looking at me concernedly. 

“Nothing, weird dream c-came back to me randomly, s-sorry…” Kokichi tilted his head. 

“What was your dream about?” 

“U-Uh - not important.” He frowned, but shrugged. 

“M’kay, welp, we should get to lunch. I won’t touch you, if it makes you more comfortable.” He sat up and walked towards the door. 

On stumbly legs, I followed, trying to drain the blood from my face. 

He ran ahead, so I slowed my pace as to walk alone for a bit. Not that I didn’t want to walk with him, but I still wasn’t able to make sense of that dream. 

_ It was just dumb hormones. That’s all it was. I do not have feelings for Kokichi. _ I decided.

Making up my mind, I sped up and walked into the cafeteria. 

“Haha, Pooichi and Cockichi fucked!”

“Miu…” I mumbled, taking my seat. She just laughed, spraying spit everywhere. 

“Hey, Dr. Vibrator, do you really think that Shuichi, one of the most innocent people here besides Gonta, would even  _ think _ about fucking me?” Kokichi snorted. 

“It’s just like those porno tropes!”

Kokichi just groaned and slammed his head on the table. 

“Gonta not know what that means…” 

“ _ And we’re gonna keep it that way!”  _ Kaede laughed nervously. “Let’s change the subject, shall we?” 

I nodded frantically. Anything to get off of this topic. 

I noticed that Kokichi was sitting by the loners again. Not that I had anything against it. Just...I’d like to sit with my partner, that was all. 

_ “Shuichi!” _

“Gah! U-Uh - yes, Kaede?” I turned away from Kokichi and met Kaede’s smirk. In fact, Kaede, Rantaro, Miu, Kaito, and Maki were giving me the same look. 

“You liiike him.” Kaede cooed. “Go on, go sit with your boyf.” 

“Boyf? I mean what does that even mean?” 

“Doesn’t matter. Go sit by him.” 

“Wh - no, I’ll sit here.” I said. “I was with him all afternoon, he’s probably tired of me by now.” At this, Rantaro straight up wheezed, as if it was the funniest thing he’d ever heard. 

“Speaking of which, what did you do? You disappeared for three hours and showed up with him.” Kaito questioned. 

My face went red, and I simply shook my head. 

Maki raised an eyebrow. “What did you do? Tell us. Now.” She leaned forward, and despite the fact that she was one of my closest friends, she still intimidated me. 

“We cuddled - !” I squealed, half from fear, half from embarrassment.

Rantaro wheezed again and slammed his head down on the table. “I - I’m sorry I just - “ Kaede patted his back, also snickering. Maki rolled her eyes but let out a puff of air that somewhat resembled a laugh.

“Oh shut up, it was just platonic.” Kokichi complained. “Why don’t you guys talk about the fact that Kaede and Rantaro are literally holding hands?” 

Kaede’s face pinkened. “Eheheh…Um…”

“I called it!” Kokichi smirked. “That was a lie, I didn’t know you were holding hands until you reacted. You can’t tease Shuichi anymore, ‘cause those two are actually together now.” 

“Does that mean we can tease you?” Angie asked. 

“You can try, but I will send my organization after you, nishishi!” Kokichi winked and stuck his tongue out. “So don’t even try.” 

I appreciated Kokichi taking the conversation off of me, even if it was in an odd way. Kokichi was odd in general. I’d accepted that by now. 

I noticed something else. Kokichi had actually eaten something. Nothing big, of course. But he had taken a couple bites out of one side of his apple. 

Progress. 

“So, Shuichi, you’re a detective, eh? How about one of your cases? You solve any murders?” 

“Ah, um, just one…” I scratched my cheek. “I wish I didn’t solve it, though. The culprit...they killed the victim because the victim drove his brother to suicide…”

I was flashed back to a long time ago, and I could see that cold, icy, rage-filled glare directed at me.

Which then led to Kirumi’s terror-filled eyes as she fell. 

Which brought me to Kaede’s blank eyes as the piano top was about to crash down on her corpse. 

Which made me think of Korekiyo’s bloody, melted-looking eyes. 

Which made me think of Himiko’s teary eyes when we found Tenko. 

Which made me think of Gonta’s eyes as I sentenced him to his death. 

Which made me think of Kokichi’s blank, shiny eyes as I said those words to him. 

Which made me think of Kaito’s eyes fluttering shut in the spaceship when he fell victim to his sickness.

Which made me think of Tsumugi’s menacing torches for eyes, shimmering behind her glasses. 

_ “Sidekick!!” _

“Ah!!” I shot to attention, and my chair tipped back, causing me to clatter to the floor in a shaking heap. 

~~~

I quickly got up and went over to Shuichi, who was now curled into a ball. “Hey, dude, you okay?” He didn’t respond.

I recognized the look in his eyes. 

He was flashing back to something, most likely the last killing game. 

“Shuichi, hey, stop thinking about it.” I whispered. “They’re all right here, they’re fine.” I tried to soothe. 

I never was good at soothing. Better at causing chaos, honestly.

“I-I’m s-sorry…!” He stuttered. 

“There’s nothing to be sorry about, okay? All of them are okay, see? Nothing is hurting them. They’ll be completely fine.” 

“What the hell is wrong with Shuichi?!” Tenko shouted. I bit my bottom lip and motioned for her to quiet down a bit. 

“I’m going to take him to his room so he can calm down, is that alright?” I directed my voice to my ‘classmates’ this time.

“I will take him to his room. You can bring the food.” Harukawa hissed and stood up. Intimidated, I hesitantly nodded. 

“‘Kay.” Little Miss Assassin walked towards Shuichi and simply threw him over her back, to which he let out a squeak. 

She walked out, and I sighed while I picked up his tray. 

Everyone was looking at me. 

_ Everyone hates you. They’re looking at you in disgust. Ugly, annoying, freak. That’s what they’re all thinking of. Nothing has changed. They all want you dead. _

_ Everyone would be better off if you were dead. _

_ No one would miss you.  _

I stumbled out of the room and almost dropped Shuichi’s food. I knew either Tenko or Rantaro would ask me about it later. 

_ Deep breaths. Don’t think about that now. You’re here to help Shuichi. Don’t be a selfish pig.  _

_ “Don’t be a selfish pig!” _

I squeezed the tray in my hands and stepped into Shuichi’s room. 

_ “Tell me what you’re hiding! Both of you are hiding something, I know you are!” _

“Harukawa, put him down, you nimrod!” I shouted. I dropped the tray with a crash and ran over. 

She was holding Shuichi up by his neck, where he was scratching at her hands and gasping for air. His face was turning blue, and he seemed like he’d lose consciousness soon. 

The flashbacks came again, but I shoved them away and launched myself at the teen, ramming into her with my shoulder. 

It shook her, and Shuichi slumped to the ground. 

“What the fuck were you doing?! He doesn’t know anything! Do you think this idiot can keep secrets?! Spoiler alert, he can’t!”

“You’re both hiding something. If you do not tell me what it is, I will make sure you never tell anyone anything again.” 

“We don’t know anythin - ghk!”

Now it was me who was in the air. Her grip felt tighter than it did last time. 

I struggled to breathe, and suddenly, I was back in the Hangar, and Kaito was dragging me, and I laid down in the press, and it was so cold and it was dark and it hurt it hurt ithurtShuichipleaseI’msorry -

I was flailing now, and I could feel tears dripping down my cheeks. Sharp exhales left my lips, but I couldn’t get air into my lungs. 

“Pl- Pl - ea-se…!”

_ “Tell me!” _

“G--h-hah-”

I could feel my eyelids start to droop, and everything was fuzzy. 

_ Don’t fall asleep, don’t fall asleep. _

_ But...it’s...so...hard… _

I could distantly hear someone shouting, but it was drowned out. My head felt like it was submerged in a pool.

“K-Kh - p-lea-s-e - “

My eyes fluttered shut.

And then I could breathe again. Sort of. 

The hand around my neck released, and I crumpled to the ground. 

It was hard to breathe, and it hurt, and it hurt and it was colditwascoldanddarkandbloodyanditallhurtsobadly -

I continued to take oxygen in desperate inhales, but each time I sucked the air in, a stabbing pain went through my chest. 

All I could think about was the arrow in my arm and back and the screaming pain in my lungs and the blood on the floor and my discarded scarf and the fact that I’d never get to apologize to anyone or even see Shuichi’s face again and -

...warm…

...it was warm…

I could feel someone’s arms around me, long and slender. They had very smooth hands, hands that oh so gently caressed my forehead. 

“Kokichi, c...on, sta...me…!”

“Stay...wi...m…!!”

“Pl…!”

“ _ DON’T...IE...N...ME!!!” _

_ Tired… _

_ So...tired… _

“Please…” I heard someone whisper. I couldn’t quite make out the voice. It sounded masculine…? Maybe it was a boy, then.

I tried to open my eyes, but for some reason, I just couldn’t. 

I tried to talk, but all that came out was a shaky sigh. 

I tried to move, but my limbs were too heavy, like shackles around my wrists and ankles. 

I tried to do anything. 

…

…

I managed, just barely, to get my eyes open. 

In my fuzzy vision, I was able to make out Shuichi crouched down next to me. He was staring at my face, and -

_ Why is Shumai crying…?  _

“Come on, j-j-just b-breathe...please…” He whispered, and his voice cracked. 

I opened my mouth to speak, and I managed to rasp out, “Wh-Why a-are you...cr-crying…? Wh-Where’s...Haruk-kawa?”

Shuichi let out the tiniest breath of relief. 

“K-Kaito’s t-talking to her. Oh my god, I-I th-thought you'd d-died…” He sputtered. “I-I was s-so scared. I-I opened my e-eyes and y-your fa-face was turning b-blue and s-she had you in th-the air, s-so I ran to get Kaito or Gonta.”

“C-Can’t get r-rid of me that easily.” I managed a small smile. 

To my surprise, Shuichi pulled me upright and held me tightly in a hug. “Y-You scared me, so badly. Don’t ever fucking do that again...I can’t lose my partner.” 

“You’d be better off if I was gone…” I didn’t realize I’d said it aloud until I felt him tense up, and his arms tightened around me. 

“Don’t ever say that, Kokichi. Don’t you even  _ think it _ . You’ve - You’ve helped me so much, can’t you see that? I-If you didn’t come in here, I-I’d probably be dead. A-And even if I don’t show it as much as I should, you really help me with my m-mental health...if I didn’t have someone to talk to about this, I - don’t know where I-I’d be right now…” 

“Living a happy life with your friends.” I grumbled. 

Shuichi pulled away and grabbed my cheeks. He forced me to look up at him. I felt my face heat beneath his palms. 

“Look at me. You are my friend. One of my best friends. Do you think I’d cry if I saw someone who wasn’t close to me on the floor?”

“I - “

“No, Kokichi. The answer is no.” 

“But - “

“Why don’t you understand? I care about you! I care about you a lot! A-And I...You’re important to me, okay? Can you at least remember that? I-If you don’t take anything from this, just remember that.”

“Um...Why are you blushing?” I rushed to pull my face away and shoved my hands over my cheeks.

“Probably just the circulation coming back to my face.” I squeaked. Shuichi hummed but looked unconvinced. He seemed to shrug it off. 

“H-Hey, um, you need re - “

“Shuichi, I slept with you this morning. I’m fine.” 

“Why did you word it that way?!” Shuichi stuttered. I thought back and laughed. Flustered, right on schedule.

“Cuddled. Does that make it sound better?” 

“...slightly…” He mumbled. 

“I’m sorry...Kokichi, I’m so sorry...I-If I didn’t freak out at lunch, this wouldn’t have - “

“Shuichi, don’t. It’s not y-your fault. I got myself into this. I provoked her - “ 

“To stop me from getting hurt!” Shuichi cut in. 

“You deal with the same things as I do, you know that, right? Sure, I have issues, but so do you. Don’t you get that? You deserve to be able to freak out every once in a while. How about this, I’ll bring you to the library and you pick out a book to be alone for a while. Okay?” I asked him. He looked down. 

“O-Okay.” 

I dragged myself to my feet and helped Shuichi up. “Actually, why don’t you lay down for a - “

“No way. I’m not tired.” He cut me off. He was doing that a lot, lately. Most likely because of whatever confidence he gained from ending Danganronpa. 

“Ooookay, well, the library is boring so I’ll leave you alone for a bitokaybye!” I dashed out of the room and went to the bathroom. 

My scarf was gone. 

_ Stop, stop, stop, don’t think about it, it’s still in his room, probably. You didn’t lose it. Of course you didn’t. You’ll be okay. Just go to his room and take it so you can cover your bruises. It’s going to be okay. _

The bruises on my neck were a galaxy, minus the pretty shimmering and the stars. My breathing was a bit ragged, but I didn’t think I’d have any permanent damage. My voice was okay, thankfully. After all, what was a leader without their commands?

_ You’re not a true leader. _

_ Shut up. I’m still a leader. I still have a leader’s mindset. _

_ But who’s a leader without his members? You have no one.  _

_ I have Shuichi, Tenko, Rantaro, and Ryoma.  _

_ They all hate you. Don’t you see the way Shuichi is happier before he notices you, or the way Tenko tenses when you show up, or the exasperated look in Kirumi’s eyes when you sit? The way Ryoma scoots away from you? The disturbed look in Rantaro’s eyes?  _

_ All of them hate you. _

_ All of them hate me… _

_ Everything about you is terrible.  _

_ I have - I have - I still have a talent! _

_ A useless talent. Fit for a useless person like you.  _

_ I’m useless… _

_ You don’t have a purpose.  _

_ I don’t have a purpose… _

_ No one will miss you when you die.  _

_ No one will miss me when I die… _

I looked at the mirror again. My cheekbones jutted out. My eyes were tired. There were dark circles, nearly black, beneath my lids. 

_ Tired… _

The bruises on my neck were ugly, so, so ugly. As ugly as they were last loop, if not more disgusting. They were beginning to yellow. 

I rolled my sleeve up, far, careful to not touch the scars. 

They were old. I hadn’t - done...anything...in a long time. But they were still there. 

There was a long, crimson scar on my arm that stretched to the inside of my elbow. Most likely because of the tearing out of the arrow there. My veins near the hideous scar were visible, probably because of the poison. 

_ So, so ugly… _

I pulled the sleeve down and used it to wipe my eyes. Couldn’t have anyone seeing me, now, could I?

I turned around and let out a scream. 

“K-Kiibo!! H-Hi! What are you doing here?” I sputtered. There was a look in his eyes, one that I hated more than anything in the world. 

Pity. 

“Where did those...scars come from?” He asked cautiously. I bit my bottom lip. 

“Nothing. Don’t worry about it. I’m fine.” 

“Kokichi. Do not lie.” He said sternly. “Were those...recent?” 

“No.” I said truthfully. “They were from a more...difficult part of my life. I don’t do that anymore. I don’t...have the room to do that anymore.” I tried to laugh, but it just came out as a weird squeaking sound. 

“Kokichi...you need to tell someone. Your mental health is obviously not good. I believe talking to someone would be extremely beneficial.” 

“You mean like...therapy? ‘Cause I tried that years ago. It didn’t work. Like, at all. If that wasn’t obvious.” I muttered. 

Kiibo sighed. “At least talk about your mental state with someone so that they can check up on you.” He pleaded. 

“Fine, okay.” I lied. 

“A-Also, Saihara said - “ 

“Ohh, ohh no, that was a lie, I promise. I was kinda put on the spot. You’re cool and all, but you’re not my type.” Kiibo sighed again, but in relief this time. 

“Okay, thank you, I’ve never been good at rejecting people.” He laughed awkwardly. “I-I’m romantically interested in girls.” He added. 

“Yeah, I get that. You were the first person my eyes fell on. That and the fact we were in the same room or whatever made it a decent lie. Shuichi seemed to believe it at least.” 

“He did. I’m not great at reading emotions, but he seemed...off this morning. Before you woke up. His movements were sluggish, and he seemed to look at your sleeping form quite often.” He said thoughtfully. “In addition to this, the panic in his face when he tried to save you was very raw. Of course, we were all panicking, but Saihara was - he was spazzing out.” 

“With all of this information in mind, I’d like to make an educated guess that Shuichi has a large crush on you.” 

He looked so sure, proud almost, when he said it. If it wasn’t so absurd, it would be kind of cute. 

I laughed. “Nah. He’s not good with death; that’s why I was so panicked. As for the whole ‘looking’ thing, that’s just a trick on the eyes, I’d assume.” I shrugged. 

Kiibo frowned. “They call Saihara dense.” He muttered. “Anyways, ah, would you like to go do something? I am interested in getting to know you better.” 

“Honestly, I have nothing better to do, so sure.” I shrugged. Kiibo smiled. 

“Okay! Let’s go!”

~~~

For the first time in a while, I couldn’t focus on my book. 

My mind kept flashing back to Kokichi being held in the air. His eyes were wild and petrified, his breaths were only sharp gasps, and when Gonta and Kaito finally got Maki away, Kokichi dropped to the ground with a loud thump. 

The bruises on his neck were so much worse than the ones from the previous loop. 

The feeling of fear in my heart was something I’d only felt once before. Kaede’s execution. 

The possibility of my partner lying there dead in front of me sent my heart down to the pits of my shoes. 

The bargaining replaying over and over in my head was still clear.  _ Please please please, if he’s not dead I’ll never be annoyed again, I’ll spend all my time with him, I’ll make sure he’s always okay, I’ll never brush anything off as a lie again. Please just don’t let me lose him! _

I couldn’t lose him.

I just couldn’t. 

I didn’t know why. 

But there was a part of my heart that pounded so much harder when he showed up in the room, or when he smiled, or talked to me. The feeling didn’t have a name, not yet. All I knew is that Kokichi had a small shard of me wrapped around his small and thin fingers. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *sobs*  
> It was fluff for a while!


	8. Someone Returns (Chapter 7)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Misunderstandings...  
> So many misunderstandings...  
> Also includes; Kaito being a bro, Kokichi writing an essay on love, and a very exhausted author-chan (please send help)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If this is especially worse than usual, it's probably because a) my mental health is struggling, and b) I procrastinated a lot this week and finished this at like 1:00 am -

Once again, that thought crossed my mind. 

I wasn’t stupid. I was a detective. I knew when I had feelings for someone. And I did  _ not _ have feelings for Kokichi. 

_...right…?  _

I set my book down and noticed that in the spot Kokichi had laid about an hour ago, a scarf sat. His scarf. 

I pulled myself up. I assumed this wasn’t super important if he’d forgotten about it, but... _ I’ll bring it to him anyways.  _ I decided. 

So, I bent over and picked up the wrinkled checkered garment. 

Looking closer, it was old, and very worn, it seemed. The fabric had that familiar, unsoft feeling, like the kind on an old teddy bear you’d had since you were six, or your favorite shirt. 

Inside of the scarf, like the part where it touched his neck, there were various patches sewn into the places I could only believe were tears.  _ How long has he had this?  _ I wondered. 

I chose to stop snooping and smoothed out the scarf in my hands. 

_ Kokichi is probably in his room. I suppose I’ll check there.  _ Nodding to myself, I headed out of my room and over to Kokichi’s. 

When I knocked on the door, I didn’t get a response. With a bite on my bottom lip, I walked to the cafeteria to see if he was there, instead. 

Not there either…

_ Arcade, maybe?  _

Terror was beginning to build in my chest.  _ What if he’s dead? What if Tsumugi kidnapped him? What if Maki finished the job?! What if -  _

“Oh, hi Shuichi!” Kokichi waved. I snapped out of my thoughts. Kokichi and Kiibo were seemingly hanging out. 

_ Right, Kokichi has a thing for Kiibo… _

_ I’m probably being a third wheel.  _

_ I should - _

“Oh! You have my scarf!” Kokichi’s mood immediately skyrocketed as he skipped over and put the scarf over his neck.

Not before I got a glimpse, though. 

His neck was a deep purplish color, and it made me almost sick. The way he oh-so-eagerly tied the scarf around himself only added to that. 

“Ah, um, well, uh - “ I stumbled over my words. “Have fun - uhm - hanging out.” I managed to sputtered. 

Kokichi smirked. “Will do, Detective Emo. Have fun with your book or whatever.” He gave me a mock salute and skipped back over to Kiibo. 

I couldn’t hear what they were talking about, my head felt like it was underwater. I nodded awkwardly and walked off towards my room again, but made a detour.

_ So Kokichi asked Kiibo out. I’m happy for him, right? I’m supposed to be happy for him, he’s one of my best friends, possibly my best real friend anymore. Kaede’s great, but she doesn’t know me anymore. Kokichi’s the only one who truly knows me. So why aren’t I happy for him? He likes Kiibo. He loves Kiibo.  _

_ Why does thinking about that make my heart sink to my shoes?  _

_ C’mon, Shuichi, you’re being stupid. He loves Kiibo. It’s obvious.  _

_ Why does my stomach hurt?  _

_ Kokichi probably asked Kiibo out on a date.  _

_ Why is my breathing speeding up?  _

_ Kokichi is probably going to ask Kiibo to be his boyfriend.  _

_ Why the hell am I going to cry!? _

I stepped into the bathroom and pressed my fingers to my temples. I bit my bottom lip until it nearly bled and took a deep breath. 

_ Don’t cry, don’t cry, don’t cry. _ I thought.  _ It’s fine, you’re okay, don’t let yourself be weak and cry. Weak people cry. You aren’t weak anymore. _

_ “I-I’m sorry for crying…!” Stuttered ______.  _

_ “No, darling, no, it’s okay…” I whispered soothingly.  _

_ “I’m weak! I’m supposed to be strong f-for @&$#@*$^*...”  _

_ “You’re not weak, _______. People cry on &&#^@!( all the time.” I said, pulling him into a hug. “I promise, it’ll be okay.”  _

_ “O-Okay…”  _

I snapped out of it with a gasp.  _ What was that!? _ I took another deep breath. “‘Sup bro. What’re you doing looking at the mirror?” Kaito asked as he walked out of a stall.. 

“A-Ah, um - nothing.” I mumbled, wishing for the billionth time since I’d lost it that I had my hat back.

_ Kokichi has my hat.  _

“Ohhh, is this about the Kokichi and Kiibo thing?” Kaito leaned on the wall, and I sputtered. 

“Wh - no! I don’t know why you guys insist that I like him!”

Kaito groaned. “I think your density is going to infect me. See you, sidekick.” And then he was gone. 

I sighed again and smoothed down my hair. 

_ I do not love Kokichi. I do not. I do not love Kokichi. I do not love Kokichi.  _

I repeated the words in my head until I knew they were true. I saw him as only a friend, a close friend, but just a friend and nothing more.

I let out a sigh and walked to my room.

~~~

I continued to chat with Kiibo. “So, how do you work?” I asked, out of conversation topics. 

“I have an advanced charging tank. I plug myself in at night and I’ll be charged for the next day. As for my speaking, I have an extremely hard to understand AI that grows like a human’s brain, and my voice matures as such.” 

_ Just nod and smile.  _

Kiibo laughed. “I can tell that didn’t make much sense. I don’t quite understand it myself, if I’m honest. I just remember opening my eyes one day and I existed.” Kiibo shrugged. “Professor Idabashi...he...I can’t explain how lucky I am that I was created. I’m going to use myself for good!” I smirked. 

“Soo, just curious, do robots have dicks?” 

In my defense, I’d never gotten my answer. 

“I - wh -why would you ever ask that!? How is that even important!?” Kiibo sputtered. I snickered. 

“In case I meet a hot robo-dude! Not you, dork, like - if Shu- if my love interest ever died or whatever, I’d wanna bring ‘em back as a robot!” I exclaimed excitedly. 

Kiibo huffed and crossed his arms. “Fine, no, Kokichi, I do not have male anatomy. I don’t wear clothes, where would it even go?”

“I dunno, I thought it’d be like an attach-thingy.” I shrugged “So that means robo-babies  _ won’t _ be a thing?” Kiibo snorted. 

“Thankfully, no. I’ve seen some of my professor’s earlier work, and trust me when I say that that is a  _ good _ thing.” He shivered.

“Whadayya mean?”

“Professor...Tried to accentuate the ‘cuter’ parts of baby-robot things. Which mean bigger eyes, freckles, and tiny hands. However, he failed to make a baby-sounding voice, so they ended up sounding like Hoshi-kun.” This time, I shivered. “Yeah, it was a fail.” 

“Are we sure Ryoma’s  _ not _ one of those?” Kiibo started laughing again until he started coughing. 

_ How does a robot cough?! _

“I - cough - because - I - choke on - biocomponents. The energy-acid-stuff floods up into my vocal area and messes with my vocal box.” Kiibo explained before I asked. 

“Anyway, you’ve asked me a lot of questions about being a robot. I’d like to ask some of my own about being human.” 

“‘Kay, ask away.” I replied. 

“What does it mean when you have these weird...fluttery feelings in your chest when you’re around someone? I’d assume you’d know, with you being a human and whatnot.” 

I smirked. “Who do these feelings appear around?” 

“I-Iruma-san…” He mumbled. “I enjoy her company. She shows her real feelings around me...I like the real version of Miu.” He said, scratching the back of his head. 

“Ooooh, the robot has a thing for the inventorrrr.” I cooed. Kiibo stuttered. 

“Wh - no! I - I don’t - “

I grabbed Kiibo’s face and pointed it down do he’d meet my eyes. “As a master of pining, just go tell her, dammit. She likes you too. If she doesn’t you have the right to sock me in the gut.” 

“...fine...maybe later...I still have some questions though.” 

“Mkay! Go on.” 

“If you’re really an expert on relationships like you say you are, why aren’t you with Shuichi?” 

If I had a drink, it’d probably be on the floor right now. 

I let out a small sigh once I composed myself to speak. . 

“Master of pining, remember? ‘Sides… He deserves better than me. Sometimes you just gotta learn when to let go…” 

_ “Why don’t you hang out with me instead?”  _

_ Shuichi walked away.  _

_ “You have no one!” _

_ “Kaito has us!” _

_ “But no one wants to be around you.”  _

_ “You’re alone, Kokichi, and you always will be.”  _

I took a deep breath and wrapped my arms around myself. 

“So, I’ll let go. It’ll make him happier in the long run. That’s what I want for him, not him being stuck in a relationship because he thinks he has to.” I shrugged, blinking back the tears in my eyes. 

“Kokichi…”

“It’s fine, really, it is. Do you have another question?” I lied and forced a small smile on my face. 

“Ah, um...hm…” Kiibo looked deep in thought. “What does food taste like?” 

I shrugged. “I dunno, it depends on the food. For instance, Gummy Worms are really sour. And chilli peppers send a burn through your mouth. It’s a good kind of burn though.” I didn’t mention that I hadn’t had either of those things in a long, long time.

“What do you mean by that? Are they like different sensations, or different feelings? Do they cause emotions?” 

“It’s sort of like a sensation thing. I’ll use the gummy worms and chilli peppers example. Peppers make your mouth and face feel hot, almost like you’re blushing, if that makes sense. Gummy worms are kinda like - when you first try them, you almost cringe into yourself. It’s hard to explain. It sends a weird feeling in your head.”

Kiibo tapped his finger on his jaw. “Hm...I think I get it. So if you were to eat a dumpling and a slice of toast in a different order, it’d be a different experience?”   
“Basically, yup!” We ended up outside, in the courtyard. I plopped down into the grass. 

“Interesting…” Kiibo whispered to himself.

“Why do humans die? I know that robots die because their bodies break down to become unusable anymore, but why humans?” Kiibo asked. 

“It’s sort of the same thing, but your life is the use. If your body sustains enough damage, you can’t use your body to live anymore. Or if you get too old, your body is broken down.” Kiibo nodded. 

“How does love work? Why do you fall for...only one person?” Kiibo asked, much quieter this time. 

“...”

“You don’t have to answ -” 

“It’s complicated. Really complicated. It could be as simple as finding something attractive about someone, or it could be loving someone so much it physically hurts. The features vary, but you could fall for someone because of their looks, mind, or both. You could love someone because of the way they think or act. It could be something as dumb as finding the way they laugh cute. It could be as intense as overlooking every flaw in a person to appreciate the good parts. It could be as serious as loving everything about someone. It could be as frivolous as just wanting to screw someone. But that’s more lust than love. Love is a more...warm feeling. Like a feeling spreading through your chest when you look at the one you love. It’s like coming inside to air conditioning from a hot summer day. Love is - devoting yourself to making someone happy, even at your own sacrifices…” I whispered. 

“You do dumb things just to make your lover smile, like promising to teach them a whole language, or making stupid jokes. You pay much more attention to make sure that they’re doing okay. You cry when they cry before you even know the reason because it hurts so much to see them sad. You still come back to them even if they're wrong. God, you’d go back to them even if they may have made you kill like three people and tried to blow up an entire school. You see them as family. You give them a piece of your heart and have to just trust that they won’t misuse it. You know if it came down to it, you’d die just to keep them safe.” 

Kiibo hummed. “Interesting…” He breathed. Do robots breathe? 

“Do robots breathe? Or is it like a simulated thing?” I asked randomly. Kiibo shrugged. 

“I don’t need air, no. Is that what you mean?” I nodded thoughtfully. 

“I think it’s dinner.” Kiibo pointed to the darkening sky. 

“Oh, m’kay.” I said, standing up. We walked in a straight (that’s a lie, nothing about me is straight) line to the dining hall, with Kiibo in front of me. 

I dropped down into my seat by the loners, and Kiibo went over to sit with Shuichi. “‘Sup.” I grinned. 

I was greeted, and I knitted my hands beneath my chin. “Sooo, how’s it going with Himiko, Tenko?” 

Tenko sputtered. “I dunno what you’re -”

“Tenko. Honey. You are physically incapable of denying it.” I giggled. Tenko huffed. 

“She doesn’t like me that way.”

I shook away the thought of Himiko standing and staring distraughtly at her corpse. 

“Isn’t that the same logic you use with me?” I hummed. 

“With Shuichi it’s obvious! I still don’t see how you can’t figure that out, but that’s a rant for another day.” Tenko muttered. 

“Tenko.” I stated. “You are literally with her on a constant basis.  _ Constant. Basis. _ And she does not push you away. She acts resigned. But she doesn’t push you away, right?”

“Well, no, but - “ 

“Then stop pining and go ask her.” I whined. Tenko huffed. 

“B-But what if she’s not into girls!?” She shouted. 

I rolled my eyes. “If she’s not into girls, then she’s not into girls. Doesn’t mean you shouldn’t at least ask.” 

“B-But - “

“No. Go ask her out, stupidhead.” I cut her off. Tenko sighed.

“Fine. Maybe I will.” She challenged. “But only if you ask Shuichi out.” 

I bit the inside of my bottom lip. “Depends...Would I have to do it any time soon?” 

Tenko tapped her fingers on the table. “...by tomorrow. You have to ask him out by tomorrow.” I thought it over. 

_ I can fake it. I’ll agree to the deal. I’ll just say I did it and he rejected me or something. _

“Fine. Alright. Go.” I said. 

Tenko squealed. “Well I’m not doing it now!!! It’s the middle of lunch and everyone will stare at me!!!” She shrieked. 

I shrugged. “M’kay.” I found it ironic that now everyone was staring at us. “Didn’t have to give everyone tinnitus.” 

Tenko’s cheeks went red and she looked around. Embarrassedly, she threw her tray to the side and dashed out. 

“Tenko…?” I heard Himiko mumble. 

I felt bad for making Tenko run away, but I knew she’d be back later, so I didn’t go after her. 

And then things managed to get worse somehow. 

Shuichi stood up quietly and slid into Tenko’s place. “A-Ah, um, is she going to come back?” He asked. 

“Probably not. She’s probably convincing herself to finally ask Himiko out.” Ryoma shrugged. 

“Oh, wow, I didn’t know she was planning on doing that. I always did think she had a crush on Himiko, though…” Shuichi said thoughtfully. 

“Kokichi convinced her. They made a deal.” Korekiyo added. I winced and shot Korekiyo a look, but he didn’t seem to get it. 

“What was the deal?” 

“To ask - “

“I have to do nineteen cartwheels simultaneously outside in front of Tenko.” I lied quickly, the first, most absurd thing to pop into my head, to shut Kirumi up. 

Then came the glares from Kirumi, Ryoma, and Korekiyo. 

“Ah, that’s...odd. Then again, I really shouldn’t be surprised.” He smiled. 

_ Why is he so pretty when he smiles? It’s seriously not even fair. To me or the rest of us. Who gave him the right to look so good. You look at this man, and you keep looking, and there’s literally no flaws. Who came up with this? It’s just not okay. What the hell. _

“Kokichi?” 

“Huh?” I snapped out of my internal rant. “Did you say something?” 

“Why did you lie?” He looked hurt. “I thought we were over that stuff.” He frowned deeply. 

“What?” I tilted my head, genuinely confused. 

Shuichi sighed. “Whatever. We’ll talk about that later. Who do you plan to ask out? Kiibo?” 

_ Why does his voice sound so blank?  _

“Uh - I - um - “ I took a swig of Panta to stall the embarrassment. 

“No, I’m not actually into Kiibo, you put me on the spot, dingus.” I said and took another drink of Panta. 

_ And it got even worse. _

I started choking on the Panta.

“Kokichi!” Shuichi sputtered in surprise. Ryoma patted my back until I stopped. 

“Second time in one day, epic.” I said sarcastically, quietly thankful for the distraction.  _ He’ll probably forget about -  _

“I...still want my answer.” Shuichi muttered. 

“I don’t want to give you your answer, so how about you go fuck yourself.” I snapped out of instinct, and immediately regretted it as soon as I saw the mix of shock and disappointment. 

_ Run. Go. Get out of there.  _

I forced myself out of my seat and ran out of the lunchroom without another glance.  _ Where do I go? Where do I go? Come on, come on. _ I thought desperately. 

I skidded down the hall, out the doors, and found the open manhole, where I slowly climbed down and curled into a ball. 

It was cold, and damp, and dark, small, and -

_ This was not a good idea.  _

I fell to my side and squeezed my eyes tightly shut. The ground was just as cold as the air, even colder than that, actually. 

_ It was as cold as the press. _

The smell of iron wafted around me, and I was laying in that press again. I could see Kaito by the button. I could see the hazy shadows of Gonta and Miu hissing at me through the darkness of the hangar. I could feel the searing burn in my lungs and the pulsating arrow wounds that hurt so, so badly. I could feel the frigid metal beneath my bare back, wrapping around me like a winter’s wind. I could feel the warm blood seeping out of my spine wound. I could see Kaito giving me one last look of confirmation, and I could feel my arm weakly being pulled up and giving him a thumbs up as my eyes gently closed. 

I fell onto my side and clenched my teeth. 

_ Don’t cry, don’t cry, don’t cry, don’t cry, don’t cry, you’ll be weak if you cry, you can’t cry, you’re not weak, you’re not weak. _

I dug my fingernails into my shoulder and took in sharp breaths until I calmed. 

It took a while. 

When my lungs were done with their sucking at being lungs, my heart was done with its marathon, I clambered to my feet.

I almost tripped over myself, but I managed to stand. More of a slouch, really. Nonetheless, I was off of the ground. 

I wiped my eyes, where tears were drying, and stumbled over to the ladder. 

_ Do I really want to go up there?  _

_ No one wants me there.  _

_ I yelled at Shuichi.  _

_ I hurt him.  _

_ I should stay down here and not come out.  _

_ No one would miss me.  _

_ Stop that. I need to go up there and make sure Monokuma isn’t respawned. I need to stop being selfish and suck it up.  _

_ It doesn’t matter how they look at me. I’ve had worse looks last game. I need to stop being so weak and deal with this.  _

I placed my hands on the freezing rings and dragged myself out of the hole. 

Outside of the manhole, it was much less cold. Somehow, there was a soft breeze whistling in the dome. The stars were shimmery and gorgeous. 

It was a new moon, and I walked to the building in complete darkness and almost total silence, other than the chilly wind and the grass rustling. 

I pulled the door open and stepped into the building, where my shoes clicked down the marble hallway. 

I found solace in the soundless hall. It was peaceful, and the heating from the ‘school’ felt like a blanket wrapped around my shoulders.

I inhaled through my nose and walked the familiar path to the dorms. My body felt numb, and my eyes drooped. 

I finally made it to the dorm rooms, where I sat outside the door. 

If I was honest, I didn’t have the energy to feel Shuichi’s dirty looks, or anyone else’s for that matter. 

_ Maybe I could just hide until I find a way out of here.  _

_ No, that’s physically impossible. I’d be found somehow. _

I leaned against the door with a sigh and shut my eyes.  _ So tired...So very, very tired. _

The door opened behind me and I hit the ground with a groan. “What the fuckkkkk.” I grumbled.

“Oh...Kokichi.” I opened my eyes, and Shuichi was standing over me. He had a reserved look on his face, not unsimilar to the expression he had when the killing game started.

_ Shit. I ruined it, didn’t I? I ruined all of it. Any miniscule chance I ever had in the first place is gone. He hates me.  _

“Everyone went to their own rooms...they wouldn’t listen to Kaede, Rantaro or I…” He said softly. “I suppose there’s a reason why you’re the leader, right?” 

His voice was so smooth, and fake, and it hurt, it hurt so badly. 

“Goodnight, Kokichi.”

“Ni - “

Shuichi closed the door. 

“‘M sorry…” I mumbled to the closed door. I didn’t get a response. That was fine, I didn’t expect one. 

I got up and walked up the stairs and into my dorm room, where I slammed the door and flopped down on my bed. 

I buried my face in pillows to silence the voices screaming about everything from worthlessness to idiocy. 

But it didn’t work. 

Silence only echoed the sounds that were made. 

~~~

_ Why am I so hurt over this?  _

I continued pacing my room. 

Of course I didn’t expect him to be perfect. I knew he was struggling. How could I not when every time I came up from behind him he flinched? 

It didn’t make sense. 

_ Why am I so mad? _

When he lied to me, visibly lied, I was irrationally disappointed and angry. 

And hurt. 

I knew I shouldn’t have been. I could tell it was hard for him to tell the truth constantly now. 

I wasn’t mad anymore. Er, I was, but more at myself. And a little bit at him, still. 

I groaned aloud and flopped backwards onto my bed.  _ Shit, Shuichi. Shit, shit, shit. Why are you so worked up over this? It was an off-the-cuff remark. _

_ “I don’t want to give you your answer, so how about you go fuck yourself.” _ The words kept repeating. I knew it was stupid to think so deeply into this. Trust me, I knew. Yet, my mind wouldn’t let me drop it.

_ I should be mad. He lied to me. He yelled at me. And then he ran away without telling  _ anyone _ where he was going, which made me freak out because  _ God forbid _ Shirogane had killed him while we were all split up.  _

But there was also a part of me that forgave him. 

_ But...I did put him on the spot. I - He had a long day, I shouldn’t have pushed him. Fuck, he almost got killed, of course he’s going to snap. _

I sighed and decided to go to sleep. It was too late for all of this. 

So, I pulled my jacket, button-up, pants, and socks off before I pulled the covers up to my chin and closed my eyes. 

_ “Shuichi. Can I tell you something? Like - really important? Please?” He gave me a look so sweet that it was impossible for me to deny.  _

_ “Ah, um, of course. What is it?”  _

_ Kokichi’s eyes lit up. He took my hand, which sent a jolt of electricity through my arm and into my heart. I felt like it’d pound out of my chest.  _

_ He ended up dragging to the city park, where he met my eyes and gave me such a pure smile I thought my heart would stop.  _

_ B-Bump. B-Bump. B-Bump. _

_ “So…” He said quietly. His porcelain cheeks flooded with color, and his beautiful eyes seemed to stare into my soul.  _

_ “So…?” I prompted, voice just a bit above a whisper.  _

_ “I...Care about you.” His irises flicked away to my shoes. “A lot.”  _

_ “I know you do.” I smiled, and gently reached for his hands. “I know. I care about you too. How could I not care about my favorite partner? You’re my best friend, Ki.”  _

_ Kokichi sighed. “But…”  _

_ “I don’t like you. I - I - “  _

_ He started to stutter, and I felt my heart sink. The color in his face grew about four shades. He pulled his hands away and grabbed my face to make me look him in the eyes again.  _

_ “I love you, Shuichi. I love you, I love you, I-I love you with all of my heart, and I’m so glad that we made it out together. I - I love you, so much, Shuichi Saihara, will you be my boyfriend?” _

_ “Yes.” I whispered; my voice cracked. “Yes. Yes. Yes!” My hands practically moved on their own, and suddenly he had his lips on mine, and my heart was thumping against my ribcage, and his face was so soft and his arms were around my neck like he could never bear to pull away.  _

_ But eventually he did for breath. “I love you, fuck, I love you, Kokichi.” I breathed against his lips before pulling him in again.  _

**_“WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK - “_ ** I shrieked, coming to my senses. 

_ What the hell was that. What the  _ hell _ was that? WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT!? _

_ WHAT THE HELL, BRAIN? WHY?! WHY!? JUST - WHY!? _

My face was exploding with heat, as was my heart.  _ What the hell is wrong with me? _

_ I just argued with him yesterday. Watched him get choked out in the air. I laid with him in bed. And here I am, having - whatever the fuck that dream was, about my partner. My partner.  _

Then came a knock on my door. “You’re not dead, right, sidekick?” Kaito called. I sputtered. 

“U - I - Physically no, internally, the jury’s still out.” I called back, dragging my sorry ass out of bed and to the closet, where I pulled my white button-up and jacket over my head. 

“Can I come in, or - “

“Just a moment, I’m getting dressed.” I got out, pretty much stumbling as I changed out my boxers and pulled on a new set of pants. “Okay, you’re fine.” 

Kaito stepped inside. “So...Maki and I got together.” He grinned. 

“Congrats! I’m happy for you!” I said, before my face dropped. “But...Is Maki…?” 

_ Maki almost killed Kokichi again...She’s a murderer. But -  _

“I know. Trust me. Kokichi...I’m not gonna lie, he’s annoying. But what Maki did to him wasn’t right. We’re talking it out. Please, Shuichi. Give her a chance?” 

I exhaled. “Okay.” I said quietly. Kaito grinned. 

“Knew I could trust you, Shu!”

_ Shu...That sounds weird coming from him. I -  _

“Okay, that sounded really gay, dude. Which - nah bro, being gay is Kokichi’s job, not mine. No more nicknames.” 

“No more nicknames.” I laughed. “Wait - “

  
Kaito snickered. “Anyway, that’s what I’m here for. So...What was the dream about, Shuichi? Don’t lie.” 

“I - uHM - “

“You dreamt about him, didn’t you?” 

“NO! I DID NOT!” I defended myself, my already flaming cheeks heightening in temperature. 

“Shuichi. Buddy. You dreamt about him.” Kaito smirked and he patted my head. “I support you, bro.” 

“Wh - Support me on what!?” I sputtered. 

“Shuichi. You’re dense. Just remember that.” 

“I’m not dense!”

“Shuichi. You - You just dreamt about him. Most likely doing something weird, considering how red your face is.” 

“I ah - uhm - I - I can explain - “ 

“Honestly, I’m just curious. What’d you do?” 

I sighed and massaged my temples. “P-Promise you won’t tell anyone?  _ E-Especially  _ Kokichi!!” 

“Promise, bro.” 

“...” 

“...”

“...I…”

“...kissed him…” 

Kaito snorted. “And you  _ still _ think you don’t like him.” 

“I don’t!!” I shouted, shoving him. Of course, this only made him laugh harder. 

“Ohhh my god, you’re stupid, Shuichi.  _ The robot _ has figured out that he’s in love with someone. Jesus,  _ Tenko _ finally asked Himiko out. And you still haven’t gotten past your density to realize you like him, and that he likes you back.” 

“I DO NOT LIKE HIM!” I yelled loudly, socking Kaito in the arm. 

“Keep telling yourself that, Shuichi. Maybe you’ll believe it.”

“SHUT UP!” I shoved him and buried my face into my hands. 

“C’mon dude, it’s time for breakfast.” 

“I don’t wanna face him now…” I whined. 

“Too bad, you argued yesterday and you’re making up.” Kaito huffed. 

“But now all I’ll think about is - whatever that is…” I complained. 

“Didn’t want to do this, Shuichi.” 

I screeched as Kaito slung me over his shoulder and started running. “Kaito!!! Put me down!!” 

Kaito only chuckled. 

“ _ Kaitooooooo!” _ I cried.  _ “I’m going to be sick!” _

“No you’re not, drama queen.” Kaito snickered. I scowled and pinched his neck, which did literally nothing. 

I sighed and went slack in his arms until we were at the dining hall. 

He practically threw me over at Kokichi’s area and ran off. 

Himiko and Tenko were now sitting together, so there wasn’t any room at the area anyway, I tried to convince myself. 

“Oh!!!! Hi Shuichi!!!” Tenko screamed. “Come sit by Kokichi!! We saved you a spot!!”

Kokichi seemed to make a cut-off motion to Tenko, and he twitched. 

Tenko seemingly attempted to whisper, but I could hear her.

_ “Now’s your chance!!!” _

“Tenko, I’m sorry, but no.” Kokichi hissed. 

I sighed and forced my legs forward. 

I sat next to Kokichi. 

He tensed up next to me and subtly scooted away. I winced. 

“This is physically painful to watch. Just make up already.” Rantaro commented lazily from the other side of the table. 

“No one asked for your opinion, you rotten guacamole bowl.” Kokichi seethed and looked down to his shoes. 

He was still wearing my button up. 

_ Fuck. _

My cheeks went red and I rested my face on the table.

And then something horrible happened.

_ “Your headmaster is finally back!! No thanks to some of you!” _

Monokuma had returned. Shirogane was back in the game.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fun fact, Shuichi was originally going to figure out that he loved Kokichi in this chapter, but I decided on a really great angst scene and so, purely for the angst, Shuichi continues to be a dense idiot.   
> I literally rewrote four pages on google docs for this angst that hasn't happened yet.   
> Pining Shuichi will appear eventually.   
> For now, we have dense as a boulder Shuichi.


	9. Je T'aime (Chapter 8)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There's a new motive, but Shuichi and Kokichi have found a way out.  
> Oh, and Kokichi confesses.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Me posting earlier in a week? Woah, what is this? It's called Thanksgiving Break B)
> 
> This chapter's a bit shorter than usual, but u h  
> You'll - You'll see.

All of my breath left my lungs. 

_He’s back. I failed them_. 

I could hear Kokichi’s nearly inaudible cursing next to me

“And I’ve got a motive for your brats. I’m mad that none of you have killed anyone!!” Monokuma shouted angrily. 

“If no one kills anyone in the next twenty-four hours, all of you who have been unlucky enough to fall for someone here will get the Hanahaki disease! You better hope they like you back, because I’m not performing surgery!” And then he was gone. 

“Kokichi, I need to talk to you after this.” I whispered. Kokichi didn’t look at me, but he nodded quietly. 

I started thinking over what I knew about the disease. Maki, Kaito, Kaede, Rantaro, Himiko, and Tenko would be fine, since they were already going out together; the love was reciprocated. The people I were worried for, so far at least, were Miu and Kiibo. It was obvious that Miu was interested, and I could tell that Kiibo liked her too.

_That’s fine. Kokichi can try and get them together. He’s closer to Kiibo than I am, at least in this loop. Other than that...I believe that Angie is devoted to Atua - wait, I can just ask, can’t I?_

“Hey, so, uhm…” I spoke up a few minutes after Monokuma disappeared. “Can all of you guys define your sexualities and i-if you like anyone? You don’t have to specify who the person i-is…I’m u-uhm, Bi, and I don’t like anyone.” 

“I’m bi with a girl lean! And I’m with Rantaro, so…” Kaede said cheerfully. 

“I’m Panromantic and ace.” Rantaro added. 

“Angie is aro-ace!” Angie chirped. 

“I’m Heterosexual...” Kiyo specified. “I do not like anyone here.” 

“Straight, and I’m with Maki-roll!” Kaito grinned. Maki flushed as he raised her hand up with his. 

“...bi.” She growled quietly. 

“‘M straight. Don’t like anyone.” Ryoma said. 

“I am aro-ace, similar to Angie.” Kirumi stated. “Therefore, I do not like anyone romantically.” 

“Tenko is a hardcore lesbian!!! And Himiko and I are together!!!” Tenko screamed. Himiko put her hands over her ears. 

“I’m lesbian...And I’m with Tenko.” Himiko drawled. 

“Gonta not ever interested in people romantically!” Gonta smiled. 

“I’m pan and always horny! Kahahahaha!” Miu said loudly. “And this gorgeous girl inventor _is_ interested in someone!”

“I’m straight, and I am interested in someone...According to Kokichi. If he’s right.” Kiibo explained. “He did call himself the master of pining.” 

_Hm...I’ll have to ask him about that later._

“I’m homoromantic and ace!” Shirogane squeaked. 

“...” Kokichi stayed silent. I looked at him expectantly. We all did.

He didn’t make a sound.

We continued to stare, and I saw him tense up and hide his eyes behind his hair. 

“...I’m pan. Not interested in anyone.” He finally said. “Or in eating. See you guys later.” 

Kokichi walked off. 

_Shit. Shit. Shiiiit._

“Not interested in anyone…” Rantaro whispered, then burst out laughing. 

Kiibo also started giggling. Then Kaito, until everyone but Maki and I were laughing. 

“What?!” I sputtered. 

“A-And Shuichi’s not interested in anyone either!” Kaede got out, which only made her laugh harder. 

“Ohhh my god, someone better kill someone or these two are seriously going to die of Hanahaki.” Miu snorted. My cheeks went red. 

“Why!? Just - why!?” 

All I got was more laughter, so I stood up to go after Kokichi. 

“And now he’s off to go comfort him! Not interested in anyone!” Kaito wheezed. 

“I hate all of you, so much.” I grumbled as I stood up. So what if I was off to comfort Kokichi? He was my friend!

_Just my friend._

_That’s all he is._

I nodded to myself and tried to think about where Kokichi would go. Probably his own room. 

And in his room, he was. 

“...why are you here?” He asked, leaning on the doorway lazily. 

“We need a plan to get out of here as quickly as possible.” I stated. “Can I come in?” Kokichi looked away distantly, but moved. 

“Kokichi, what’s...what has you like this? You’re acting differently.” Kokichi just shrugged. “Kokichi, I’m not listening to your lies, you hear me?” I tried to be stern, but it just sounded more angry than anything. 

Kokichi flinched at my voice. 

_No, wait, don’t be scared!_ I didn’t say. 

“Kokichi.” 

“...are you just going to keep repeating my name?” Kokichi said, ducking his head. 

“I will until you tell me what’s wrong.” I said, softer this time. I reached out and tipped his chin up so he’d look at me. 

Of course, because he’s too stubborn for his own good, he looked anywhere but me. 

It was then that I realized the irony. 

Last loop, eye-contact was the last thing I’d ever wanted. I wanted no eyes on me. Kokichi was on the other side of the spectrum, with his dramatic show. And here we were now. 

“It doesn’t fucking matter. Just explain the plan so you can leave me alone.” He said bitterly. 

He slapped my hand away. I frowned. 

“Fine. I don’t have a plan, that’s why I came to you. You’re the smartest person here. If you stopped the rest of us from becoming blackened, then - “

“You know what Shuichi? I’m not that smart, you know that? Because in the end, people died. So many fucking people died. So many _teenagers_ died. Someone who’s truly smart is adaptable. If I was adaptable, I would have gotten everyone out of this hellhole. I don’t know why you bother trying to talk to someone as pathetic as I am.” He spat. 

He finally met my face, and his jaw trembled before his lips upturned to a sickeningly sweet smirk. A smirk I recognized. 

And he laughed. 

“You shouldn’t even bother! None of us will - “ 

I cut him off by pulling him into a hug and whispering into his ear, “Don’t. That’s not you. I know that’s not you.” 

He started to shiver. “Don’t be afraid. I-I only want to help you and everyone else here. And I know that the two of us can do it. So - So please don’t - … Don’t do that. Please. Promise me that you’ll never do that again, because Kokichi, I can’t handle that version of you.” 

“You will be okay. I can promise you that. And I’ll promise to help you through all of this.” I pulled away. 

Kokichi bit his bottom lip, and I couldn’t see his expression beneath his bangs. His cheeks were just slightly rosy.

“Promise me.” I whispered. 

“I don’t like m-making promises.” His voice cracked.

“I need you to promise. Please, Kokichi. J-Just do this one thing for me. _Please._ ” I reached my hand out. 

“But what if - “

“Kokichi. I’m supposed to be the one who worries, remember? Just be the Kokichi Ouma that I’ve met these past couple of days. I’ve met the real you. So don’t go back to who you were before. Okay?”

Kokichi’s hand twitched at his side.

He slowly put his hand in mine and shook it weakly. 

“Thank you.”

His hand was cold, freezing even, and his wrist was bony, but it sent practical sparks down my arm. It took a lot in me to not pull away. 

“...I promise.” 

“Do you want to tell me what happened? Because there is something wrong.” 

“...’m sorry for yelling at you.” He mumbled.

Ah. So that’s what this was about. 

“You - is that why you’re acting so distant? You almost died! Of course you were going to snap!” Kokichi stayed silent. “But if it makes you feel better, I forgave you a while ago.” 

“...thanks…” He said quietly. I could see the color of his cheeks gradually increase. 

“By the way, what was Kiibo talking about when you said you were the master of pining or whatever?” 

“Uh - it was a joke.” Kokichi said, but I could tell that it was a lie because his shoulders didn’t tense.

“That’s a lie. You have to tell me if you’re in love with someone, Kokichi. You _have_ to. Because I don’t know what I’d do if you came down with this - this sickness without anyone knowing about it.” 

“I’m not in love with anyone, Shuichi! Okay?!” I believed him this time.

“Okay.”

Why did my heart slow down at that? Why did I feel some weird sort of puncturing sadness?

I chose to ignore it. 

“Now, you’re the one who’s technically a police officer, which means you probably know something about escaping this place? Wait, that just came out as a word-mess.” Kokichi put his hand on his chin. “You know what I mean.” 

“Yeah.” I nodded. “But...I don’t really know. We escaped last time at Kiibo’s expense, and we’re getting all of us out of h - “ 

“Bombs!” Kokichi gasped. “If we can get Iruma to make a big enough bomb, the rest of us can make a shelter, and then we could blow up the dome!” He exclaimed. “We could really get out of here! Shuichi, we could get everyone out of here!” 

Kokichi smiled more brightly than I’d ever seen from him. Happiness was a good look on my partner. His eyes glittered, his nose slightly pricked up, and I swore even his hair was perkier. 

And then I ruined it. “It’s...probably not going to be that easy. You know that. Shirogane won’t let her show end so soon.” 

Kokichi’s eyes dimmed, and he bit the inside of his cheek. “Don’t you remember what she said, though? If we find a way out of here, she’ll let us go.” 

“But - “ 

“How about this. We try it. If it doesn’t work, then it doesn’t work. That’s fine. They can’t kill us directly.” 

“Yeah, I...Guess you’re right.” I mumbled. “We really could find a way out of here.” I knew it was a bad idea, but I allowed excitement to build inside of me. It was a warm feeling that spread from my face to my fingertips. 

_I’m going to get out of here. I’m going to escape this place with everyone this time, including Kokichi._

_Kokichi’s going to get out of here and get the respect he deserves. He could really be anything he wants. Maybe he’ll become an actor. Maybe he’ll become a writer. Maybe he’ll become a detective and we’ll solve cases together and celebrate and -_

_We’ll be happy._

_We’ll all be happy._

_All of us will be happy, and safe, and everyone will be okay._

“We’re going to get out of here… “I whispered, putting my hand over my mouth. It was more than I’d ever dreamed of since we’d gotten here. 

“No need to go crying on me, mon détective doux et chéri.” Kokichi teased, and I found myself...slightly attracted to his voice when he spoke in French. It wasn’t completely different, but it was smoother and almost charming.

“Talk in French again.” I said before I could stop myself. Kokichi gave me an inquisitive look, but did so anyway. 

“Comme ça, chéri? Je pourrais flirter avec vous en français toute la journée et vous ne le sauriez même pas. Aimeriez-vous cela, ma chère? Je ne serais pas opposé.” He smirked.

“Je t'aime. J’aimerais pouvoir te le dire. Je suppose que je suis trop lâche. Je veux le dire. Vraiment, je veux vraiment. Mais ça te ferait probablement me détester… Alors je vais le dire dans une langue que tu ne comprendras pas! Je t'aime du fond du cœur, Shuichi Saihara, et ce n'est pas un mensonge!” He booped my nose, and I felt my entire face go hot.

“Je t'aime. Je t'aime, je t’aime, je t’aime. Remember that for me, ‘kay? ‘Cause it’s not changing. Ever. And je t’aime means you’re never ever ever gettin’ rid of me.” 

“What does je t’aime mean?” I asked curiously, definitely pronouncing it wrong. Kokichi giggled. 

“I can’t tell youuu.” He winked at me. “Not yet at least. Maybe someday, when we’re out of here. Promise you won’t use a translator, m’kay? I’ll tell you when I’m ready.” He leaned in so close to my face that our noses were touching, and his lips were just a centimeter away from mine and I could practically taste his grape-scented breath that hit my lips and - “Promise me.” He whispered. 

My heart pounded against my ribcage so hard I thought it’d stop. My face was an undiscovered shade of red. His eyes were pointed directly at mine and I couldn’t breathe. He whispered again, “Je t’aime.” 

“What does it mean, Kokichi?” I breathed. Kokichi chuckled, and his lips flitted up in a cocky smile. 

“You’ll know someday. I promise you’ll know someday if you promise not to find out beforehand.” 

“I promise, if you’ll teach me what it means.” 

Kokichi grinned wider. “Un jour. That means one day. Je te dirai. That means I will tell you. So...Un jour, je te dirai ce que je t’aime signifie. Okay?” 

“Okay.” I responded, eyes half-lidded.

I wanted my heart to stop running a marathon on a treadmill, I wanted my face to return to its normal color, I wanted the sparks to stop shooting through my fingers where Kokichi had gently taken my hands. 

But I never wanted this moment to end. Not ever. 

So I didn’t let it. I stayed still and examined Kokichi’s eyes. His right one had flecks of gold mixed with the royal-purple color I knew. His left one was a never-ending pool of melted lavender. 

“Tu es si joli quand tu es concentré, nishishi.” 

I didn’t speak. I didn’t want the wonderful, beautiful partner in front of me to pull away and run off.

I wanted Kokichi Ouma to stay right here and let me look into his eyes forever. 

“C’est mal. Pour moi, de rester. Je devrais te laisser partir, te laisser vivre ta vie sans un fardeau comme moi. Mais je suis égoïste. Tellement égoïste.” 

His breath was intoxicating. My mind felt hazy. It was wrong, so wrong to stay here. 

I didn’t care. 

I spent my entire life caring too much, worrying over every little thing. 

With Kokichi, right here, it was different. 

There was a part of me that screamed to shove him away and get out of here however possible to forget the feeling of his warm breath hitting my face and the strangely beautiful stare. 

I ignored it. 

There was a part of me that wanted to lean forward not even an inch.

I could feel my hands slowly reaching up to the back of his head. 

“Je t’aime.” He repeated in that voice of his and we were so close and then -

He pulled away. 

“So selfish, aren’t I…?” He murmured, looking disappointed. 

“Shall we go tell Iruma about our request?” Kokichi said a few moments later. 

“Sure, yeah.” I smiled. 

Kokichi took my hand, where I felt genuine shocks go up my arm. Not a bad shock. It didn’t hurt. It felt weird. I enjoyed it. 

Kokichi dragged me to Miu’s lab, where she was working on something. “Hey, Miu!” He called, letting go of my hand (unfortunately). 

“What?!” She spat, turning around. 

“We need your help to get us out of here. We’ve got a plan. I don’t have the blueprints yet. I’ll work on them. But can you tell me what materials would be needed for a big bomb?” 

“You’re planning on exploding the dome, eh?” She asked. Kokichi nodded. “Hmm…” Miu started listing off what we’d need. All of which we could most likely find in the warehouse. Kokichi nodded and started tapping his foot on the ground. 

“Okay. I’ll give you the blueprints by tomorrow - “ 

“By the end of the week, because Kokichi here needs _sleep_.” I cut him off. 

“By _tomorrow._ ” He shot back. “Sleep is for the weak.” 

“By the end of the _week_.” I crossed my arms. 

“Tomorrow.” 

“You’re getting to two weeks here, mister.” I said accusingly. 

“Shuichi, you’re not my dad. Unless you want me to call you daddy.” He winked, and that broke me. 

I started choking on my own spit and blushing like a madman. It was just a joke, I knew, but my embarrassment was like nothing seen before. 

“Jesus, Shuichi, it was just a joke.” Kokichi patted my back and snickered. For some reason, contact managed to make it worse. 

I continued to hack on air for another minute until it was gasping. Kokichi, because he was himself, just laughed.

“Can’t have a body discovery now, can we?” 

“S-Shut up.” I wheezed. 

“You good there?” He asked, more genuinely this time. 

“Yo, boyfriends, stop being wholesome and get me the supplies and blueprints!” Miu spat. My face managed to hit another color of red. 

“M’kay, slut. See ya.” Kokichi blew Miu a mocking kiss and dragged me away. 

“Come on, let’s go get that stuff.” He grinned. 

***

~~~

“Hi, Kiiboy!” I waved. Kiibo rolled his eyes but walked over. 

“Hello, Kokichi.” I got distracted by one of the things we needed for the bomb. 

“Hey, Shuichi! I got the gunpowder!” I called, my voice echoing in the warehouse. “What’cha doin’ here?” 

“Ah, I was told to come find you two for lunch.” He stated. I hummed. 

“I’m not hungry, so I’ll keep looking. Shuichi can take a break though.” 

“What about me?” Shuichi asked as he came around the shelves. He had things piled high in his hands, his hair was messy and frizzy, there was a bead of sweat dripping down his face, and he was seemingly stumbling. 

“It’s lunch, so I said you should take a break.” I said. My stomach growled, though not loud enough to betray me.

“You should _also_ take a break, Kokichi.” Shuichi raised an eyebrow and set the things on the ground. “We’ll both come.” He informed Kiibo. 

“No no, Shuichi is - “ 

“ _We will both come.”_ Shuichi smiled, though it was strained. I winced, but followed Shuichi and Kiibo to the dining hall. 

As usual, I took my seat. Shuichi, surprisingly, sat down next to me. 

I took a small bite of my apple and listened to my...acquaintances' small talk. 

“I am worried about the Hanahaki disease. I am trained in many ways to perform first aid and other things related to health care, but I am unable to do surgery…” Kirumi mumbled. I didn’t miss the glance she sent me. 

“Well, I don’t think it will really affect anyone but Miu and Kiibo, and that love is reciprocated.” I mentioned. 

Tenko huffed, stood up, grabbed my arm, and dragged me out of the lunchroom. I yelped and struggled, but she was strong. 

Shuichi looked like he was going to follow and barter for my wellbeing, but something Ryoma said made him stay back. 

“You are going to march over there and confess to Shuichi right now, got it?!” Tenko hissed out in the hall. 

“No way! We’ve found a way out of here, I can’t risk - “ 

“Can’t risk what!? Getting hurt!?”

“N-No, I just want to make sure that I can’t screw things up before we escape. Maybe when we - “ 

“Kokichi Ouma, will you stop being a dense idiot? We made a deal. If you don’t tell him by tonight, then I will.” 

“Tenko! Be reasonable!” I complained. Tenko just scowled. 

“I am. I’ve given you this many days. You will confess to him tonight. You are not going to fall victim to Hanahaki, got that?”

“I won’t, okay!? I’ll tell him when we get out of here.” I lied. Tenko put her hands on her hips. 

“Who knows when we’ll get out of here!? You could be dead by then! I swear to fucking god, Kokichi, you _will_ confess tonight. Like it or not. I will force the words out of you.” 

“Please, Tenko, you can’t do this. I - I’ll do it some other time, really!” I was growing desperate. If she figured out one of my weaknesses, she could easily get the truth out of me. 

Tenko crossed her arms. 

“Tonight. No exceptions.” With that, she turned on her heel and stomped back into the room. 

I ran to my room and locked the door. She couldn’t - 

...she wouldn’t tell Shuichi. Right?

…

...she totally would.

I sighed and thought over my options. I could lock Tenko somewhere until I was ready, or I could hide in my room forever so Shuichi could never see my embarrassed face again. Confessing was off the table. Nope, anything but that. 

...right? 

I let myself wonder what it would be like if Shuichi accepted. It was a _very_ dangerous thing to do. 

I’d learned a long time ago to never get my hopes up. 

I fantasized anyway. 

_He’d be gentle. Really gentle. Maybe he’d be a sleepy grump. A cute kind though. And we’d...cuddle...And he’d hold my hand. And I’d fluster him by waking him up with a kiss...He’d direct those pretty smiles at me...And...He’d give me warm hugs...He’d kiss me on the cheek sometimes, or maybe I’d get really lucky and he’d...kiss me on the lips...Shuichi would bring me around and announce that I was his boyfriend to his friends, and he’d be all stuttery and blushy…_

Dangerous. So dangerous to think this way. 

I started working on those blueprints to distract myself.

It didn’t work. 

_If I don’t do it…I’ll probably die. No, I will die. I’m not getting that surgery. Ever. I don’t want to lose the fluttery feelings. I don’t want to die yet. I haven’t gotten to do everything I wanted to do. I don’t want to die yet. I don’t want to. I want to live._

_I have to confess._

I dropped the papers. 

_A note would be too...Impersonal. But what if I chicken out?? Shit, I can’t do that. I can’t just - write a note._ I sighed. _This is too hard._

_I need to do this._

_What if I chicken out??_

_What will I do?_

_What will I do if he rejects me??!_

_I can’t do this._

_I can’t do this._

_I can’t -_

_Stop. Calm down. I can do this. I_ can _do this._

With newfound determination, I stood up, unlocked my door, and walked to the lunchroom. 

Everyone was seemingly exiting quietly. 

I walked over to Shuichi and took a deep breath. 

“Can I talk to you? Alone? Outside?” I asked. 

Shuichi looked at me confusedly, but nodded. 

I went to reach for his hand, but decided against it, so I walked out with him behind me. I met Tenko’s gaze as the two of us went outside, and she smirked. I rolled my eyes. 

When we reached a part closer to the dome than the school, I took a deep breath. 

“So...I…” I started. For a moment, I tried to meet his eyes, but immediately decided against it. 

“...I care about you. A lot. Like, I really - I like you, okay?” I fumbled to find the correct phrasing. 

“I like you t - “

“Ah, ah, ah, lemme finish, or I’m going to screw something up and say something dumb.” I cut him off. 

“I - I don’t - … You’re interesting, Shuichi. You’re funny, you’re a grump when you’re tired, you’re fucking beautiful, you’re too kind for your own good, you’re too trusting, and…” I took another deep breath.

“You’re one of the best people I’ve ever met, you know that? D.I.C.E level of awesome. I - I-I don’t use that term lightly.” I could feel my face starting to heat up. 

“A-And last game, I - you - you were one of the only people who really cared, who gave me a chance until I lost all recognition of who I was anymore. You’re - I -...I don’t trust a lot of people. That’s obvious. I don’t use the term trustworthy lightly at all. Okay? You’re wonderful.” 

“A-And I realized that I-I did something I told me I would never do. Something I _promised_ myself that I would _never do._ It was so stupid, so, so stupid, Shuichi. It was so dumb.” 

“I…” I turned my face to my shoes. 

“Do you really want to know what je t’aime means?” I whispered. I saw him nod carefully in my peripheral vision. 

“J-Je t’aime means...it - it means…” I squeezed my eyes tightly shut. My heart was beating so loud I was sure he could hear it. 

“...je t’aime...means…”

“...I love you. That’s what je t’aime means, Shuichi.” I finally got the words to leave my mouth. 

I heard Shuichi quietly gasp above me. I felt just a bit of hope shoot into my chest. 

“I...I love you, Shuichi. I - It’s not a lie. Cross my heart, swear to die.” 

“...Kokichi…” 

“I-I’m really sorry for lying. I - I - I’m a coward. I really - I’m a coward…”

“I’m- I - “ Shuichi started stuttering, and I allowed myself a single look up. 

I regretted it. 

**_“I’m sorry, Kokichi. I don’t feel the same...”_ **

My stomach filled with dread. I felt a dull breaking in my heart. I blinked back fat tears and wiped my nose. I bit back the sob building in my chest.

“Ah...Y-yeah, I sh-should’ve expected that.” I got out. My voice was weak. “‘M sorry for...making things weird and stuff. I-I-I’ll finish the blueprints and I-I’ll get them to Miu. I-If y-y-you could just g-g-get the materials to her, that’d b-be great. W-When you s-s-see Tenko a-and Rantaro and stuff, j-just u-uh, let them kn-know I’m sorry. S-Sorry, Sh - Saihara.”

I took a shaky breath and stumbled back to my room. Saihara didn’t follow me. 

I locked the door behind me again and crawled into my bed. 

I’d work on the blueprints...later. 

I buried my face into the pillow and let out the waterworks.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm sORRY -  
> I WAS PHYSICALLY IN PAIN WRITING THIS -


	10. Finally (Chapter 9)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> F i n a l l y

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is very bad and very rushed. I'm so sorry. The epilogue will be out soon. I've kinda lost interest in this fanfic - oops -  
> I'm going to stick to oneshots from now on lmao

_ It hurts it hurts it hurtsithurtsmakeitstop - _

The flowers were constricting my lungs. I’d guessed no one had killed anyone. Not that I’d know. I’d been hiding in my room like a coward for the past…

_ How long has it been?  _

All I knew is that a nighttime and a morning announcement had passed. 

As well as knocks on my door. Not a lot of visits. Maybe around four times I’d wake up to a couple knocks on my door.

I was tired. My eyelids were heavy, my limbs felt like someone had poured liquid metal into them and left them to dry. 

So tired. But sleep is for those who deserve it. 

_ I’m always tired. Insomnia’s a bitch.  _

_ Knock, knock, knock, knock. _

_ They’re gonna start to shout soon. _

“Kokichi’s not here, please leave a message after the beep.” I called raspily. 

“Open the door, Kokichi.” Rantaro stated. 

“No can do. Currently dying on my bed. Please respect my dying wishes and leave me to be alone.” I said mockingly. 

Of course, because it was my life, I started choking up flower petals. Blue, of course. 

I lifted my palm to my mouth, and it came away smeared pink. My head felt light, like I could fall asleep again. 

I spat out the rest of the blood onto the floor and choked out a couple more petals. I rolled off of my bed and over to the weird circle I’d made of the petals. 

I slowly counted the petals. Eighteen now. No full flowers. Just the petals. 

“Little brother, if you do not open this door, I’ll either get Gonta or I’ll lock pick it.” I snorted. 

“You don’t have the skills, Rantaro.” I said, then started coughing again. No petals.

_ Click. _

“Don’t have the ski - oh Jesus, Kokichi, why the hell are you on the floor?” Rantaro put down the tray he’d apparently been holding and kneeled down next to me.

“I was on the bed. I had to add to my collection.” I said sarcastically, pointing to the circle. 

“Kokichi. What the fuck.” Rantaro stared at me incredulously. 

“I assume that’s rhetorical.” I shrugged. “To answer your question anyway, I don’t have the energy, nor the motivation, to drag myself back up.”

Rantaro sighed and surprised me by grabbing under my armpits and dropping me into the bed. “Thanks. I guess.” I went to close my eyes, but Rantaro picked me up again and made me sit up. “Manhandling. Really. I’m not four.” 

“You act like it sometimes. Now drink.” He handed me a glass of water. I looked at it distastefully; Panta was my favorite drink, after all. How much of that was because it worked as a pun on my sexuality is for you to decide. 

Yeah, I came out to my organization with Panta. What of it?

“Kokichi.” Rantaro scolded. I sighed and lifted the glass to my lips, where I took a small sip. It made the burn in my throat just a little more tolerable. I took another sip, then another, until the liquid was gone.

My mouth left a bloodstain on the glass. 

“Better?” Rantaro asked. 

“Little bit.” My voice wasn’t itself. It lacked its usual lilt, and the small bit of cheerfulness.

“Now eat. You need to keep your strength up. Don’t give me the ‘I’m not hungry’ bullshit.” Rantaro handed me a warm bowl of oatmeal.

I sighed, and, knowing there was no getting out of it, I took a spoonful. Then another. And another. 

“Do they know that I have this?” I asked, taking another bite. 

“Yeah.” Rantaro replied. “You wanna talk about it?” 

“Wh - no, of course not.” I took another bite of oatmeal. “I don’t feel like reliving it.” I mumbled. 

Rantaro sighed. “I’ll get you another water. Don’t lock your door. I should probably just bring the pitcher, eh?” I just nodded emptily. 

~~~

_ Shit.  _

I stared at the purple campanula petal in my hand. 

_ Purple. _

_ Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck. _

_ I’m in love with someone.  _

_ I’m - I’m - _

_...I’m in love with Kokichi Ouma. _

_ The boy I just rejected. _

_ Holy shit. I’m going to die, aren’t I? _

_ Kokichi’s going to die too.  _

I spat out the blood onto the ground and threw the petal down with it before speed-walking to my dorm room. 

I noticed Rantaro exiting Kokichi’s room, which was left open. Kokichi either finally let someone into his room, or Rantaro opened it by force. I assumed the latter. 

I could hear distant coughing.

Guilt flooded me, and I went to walk into my room. Not before I caught Rantaro’s eye. He didn’t glare. He didn’t even scowl. He just looked at me emptily and gave me just the smallest shake of his head. 

I realized there was a look that I hated much more than hate. 

_ Emptiness. _

The kind of eyes that people have after they die. The kind of look I’m given by some when they’re returned to their parents. 

The kind of look Kokichi gave me as I effectively stepped on and cracked his heart. He was certainly forcing a smile, but it was just that, forced. His eyes...They were shiny, and I was fully prepared to see him burst into fake tears. 

But he didn’t lie. He kept his promise. 

His shiny eyes still haunted me. Almost as much as the way hydraulic presses haunted me. Or pianos. Or rocket ships. Or vines. Or pots of boiling water. Or bees.

I shivered. 

I walked into my room and sat down, pulling off my jacket. Absentmindedly, I wondered if Kokichi was still wearing my button up. And regretted it.

_ Why do I like him anyways? _

_ His eyes are really pretty, and his face is cute, and his skin is soft, and he makes me force myself not to stutter when I talk to him, and my chest always feels warm around him, and the real him is really kind to me, and he -  _

_ Holy shit. I am so fucking dense. They were right. _

I exhaled through my mouth and started pacing my room.

_ What have I done? _

_ What the hell have I done?  _

_ We’re both going to fucking die. _

I wiped at my eyes, which had gone wet, and sat back on my bed. My throat burned badly, and I knew I had to confess before things got worse.

But something was stopping me.

_ If he rejects me, then - _

_ He won’t, he has it too.  _

_ What if he doesn’t want to get together after this? _

_ No, no, he likes me in that way, right? Then I should just do it! _

_ But what if he just doesn’t see me? Locks his door? _

_ His door is open right now, I could go right now and get it over with.  _

_ What if he just plugs his ears? _

_ What if he yells at me? _

I choked out a bloody flower petal and spat it onto the ground of my room. Gross. 

_ Stop. Stop. I need to do this. I need to do this. I need to do this. I can’t be a coward. _

I took a deep breath. 

I exited my room and knocked on Kokichi’s door. 

“If you’re not Rantaro, don’t come innn!” Kokichi called hoarsely. I frowned. Was that from the Hanahaki?

...or was it from tears?

I pushed the door open. 

“...hey…” I mumbled. Kokichi looked up and scowled at me. 

“Come here to rub in the fact that I’m a clingy idiot who can’t get over unrequited love? ‘Cause I’m not up for it, Saihara.” He said bitterly. 

“That’s n-not...why I’m here.” I said softly. “I need t-to...tell you something.” Kokichi just rolled his eyes. 

“And I need you to get out. So move.” He spat, then started to cough. 

“Kokichi…” I walked over to pat his back. 

“D-Don’t touch me!” He shoved me and continued to choke up blue flowers. 

“Y-You - “ 

“L-Leave me alone already. Y-You being here makes this worse.” 

“Kokichi - “ 

“G-Get out!”

“Shut up and l-let me tell you that I love you, damn it! I care about you! I - I was stupid! So stupid that it took me spitting up purple flowers to realize it! B-But I know now! I kn-know why I find your smile so cute and why I always want to be around you! I love you, Kokichi! I love you so much it hurts! A-And I - I understand if you don’t want to get into a relationship, b-but I d-don’t want you to b-be sick! S-so - I-I - I’m sorry, I-I’m so sorry, I-I wish - I wish everything could be e-easy, b-but it’s not…” I heaved out. 

Kokichi stared blankly at me. 

And then his eyes glimmered. 

“Saihara-chan...likes me back…?” He whispered. 

“I-I love you…” I repeated. 

And then there was this awful churning in my stomach. Suddenly, all the flowers were on the ground. 

**_“...I love you too, Shumai…”_ **

I resisted the urge to cry, but I couldn’t help but get closer to Kokichi so I could scoop him up in my arms. 

“Say it again,” He begged. 

“I love you, so much, Kokichi. So much.” 

Kokichi smiled weakly. 

“I-I love you too, Shuichi. I have since the last loop, you know.” He breathed. 

“C-Can...I…” I cleared my throat. “...can I kiss you, Kokichi?” 

Kokichi smiled and looked up at me. 

“Is the sky blue?” 

“...would that be a yes?” 

“Yes, you big dork. You can kiss me.” 

That was all that I needed, and I pressed my lips to his. 

It felt like fireworks were going off in all directions. My heart would explode if I wasn’t careful. 

Kokichi threaded his hands around my neck as if he could never dare to let go of me. 

The kiss didn’t last long, just a few moments, but it felt like it’d lasted forever. 

I pulled away first for the sake of airflow. 

Kokichi gave me the sweetest smile as he caught his breath, pink staining his thin, slightly chapped lips. 

“Be my boyfriend?” Kokichi asked. 

“Is that a question?” I laughed. Kokichi just smiled.

“Now, let’s go get Slut-chan and the Terminator together so we can get out of here.

***

The bomb was done. 

It was finished, and it sat in Gonta’s arms. 

Kaede had the idea for us to hide in the Dark Road of Despair manhole, and just about everyone had crouched in there but Kokichi, Gonta and I.

“Are you ready?” Kokichi asked. 

I didn’t know what was on the other side of the dome. For all I knew, it could be chaos. But I linked hands with my boyfriend.

“So ready.” I grinned. 

Gonta placed the bomb, and the three of us crawled down the ladder. 

“You guys ready? Put your hands over your heads to protect yourselves, remember? In case things go wrong.” Kokichi ordered. 

“...I’m sorry.” 

I looked up, and Harukawa looked genuinely remorseful.

“I shouldn’t have…” She trailed off. 

Kokichi frowned. “You do realize you almost killed my beloved, right?” He asked. “And me, for that matter. 

“I’m trying!” Harukawa spat, and it was familiar again. 

Kokichi sighed. “We’ll deal with this when we get out of here.”

_ When we get out of here. _

“Fine.” 

“Alright. Everyone get into position. Who’s gonna press the button?” Kokichi asked. 

“I mean, it was your idea, cuck, so you do it.” Miu rolled her eyes. 

Kokichi stared at the button. 

“...Okay.” He nodded. “You guys ready?” I crouched and put my hands over my head. 

The group muttered their agreements. 

Kokichi took a deep breath. 

“Three…”

“Two…”

“One…”

**_B O O M._ **

The last thing I heard before blacking out was Shirogane’s screech. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> w o a h  
> t h e y f i n a l l y g o t t o g e t h e r -


End file.
